It is over a year since I first started writing here...It was March 2003... I am thinking...Maybe I should stop writing...I don't seem to have much to say these days...I have become repetitive and pointless even to myself...

Maybe it is time to move on....

Maybe Not!

They say if you put your energy in to something you can make it happen...I put all my energy and mind into staring at my phone until it rings....but I am still waiting!!!! ....They....don't know what they are talking about.....

Zen masters encourage us to 'just be.' If asked, 'Just be what?' They reply with enigmatic silences. Or so we are told. Few of us have ever actually met any Zen masters. They don't do much travelling. They are too busy, 'just being'. Should we be going off in search of them? Or should we just learn to be what we are and assume that what we need is already going to be with us? If you have a comfortable, weatherproof environment, what does it matter how hard it rains? Only if our protection looks likely to let the elements in, is there a need to worry.

The worst a passing storm can do is enter through a small hole in our roof and spoil one tiny area of an otherwise comfortable room...I think it is better to put up with this philosophically than to climb outside to cover the gap and end up drenched....

Why are there so many words, in so many books in so many libraries? Why do we need all those explanations, observations dissertations?..Surely if we were a visiting alien, we would assume that those books were all needed because life on Earth was so complicated. Indeed, if it was me I would probably take one look at all the books I was supposed to read, and then turn my ship towards some more simple corner of the cosmos, that way I had less chance of getting caught up in an irrelevant argument....Nothing is ever straight forward though... is it?

If all life's roads were straight, vehicles would not need steering wheels. If humans are vehicles, though, they are cars not trains. We cannot follow strict timetables. Sometimes we speed up and slow down of our own volition, sometimes we must do what the traffic dictates. But always, we have options. Maps, though, are not necessarily in such easy supply. Isn't it that we have our inner sense of direction? Surely if we look closely we must also have at least one clear signpost..that way we have all we need....

As simple as that you say....ummm...I say it is even simpler!!!

Perhaps it is true that I am a creature of instinct and I am proud of this. But I do sometimes feel slightly ashamed of my impulsive nature. I see the 'mistakes' it has caused and suspect I should be more restrained. But wouldn’t that be so if only I desire a dull life? Perhaps then I may just attain this level of caution. But, for me, existence without adventure isn't up to much. I may be in risky territory but I don’t feel I am in any danger. I do sometimes wonder though that what is it I am after, after all….but I do know that it is not re-assurance I want… It's a reward. Or at least, some hard evidence that points to an imminent increase in my sense of 'measurable stability'. There comes a time when words lose meaning. Phrases, no matter how sensitively constructed, are just sounds, hanging in the air. We sometimes, at least, need to be able to touch, taste and feel our sources of security. And sometimes, it's good to feel determined to accept no substitute…I don’t know…is it re-assurance I am after?

Few things are ever quite what they seem. Few people too, ever say what's really on their minds. To get ahead we have to read between the lines. To stay ahead, we also have to accept that there's a danger in reading between too many lines, too often. I am as always trying to make sense of something that cannot possibly be what it purports to be. I maybe right to feel suspicion, wrong to assume that I can see the true picture…or neither…I guess all I can do is keep an open mind!

Some choices are easy. But all choices seem hard when we are harassed or hard done by. Often, we don't allow for whatever is impeding our judgement. We see our lack of certainty as inexcusable and try to compensate by acting decisively. Then, of course, we make moves that lead to more confusion…..

Once bitten, twice shy. But what about thrice? Could it be third time lucky? I am standing back, looking at something that went awry in the past. Since then I have avoided a painful repetition. But I have been watching a situation carefully and making tentative attempts to see if it has improved. Something does seem to have altered. Is it madness to have another go? Perhaps, Not if I am ready to apply all I have learned?

Maybe it's time to upwardly revise my own assessment of what's possible!

Sometimes, it's easier to agree with someone than to reach a state of agreement with ourself. When, for example, we hear another person saying that such and such is a good idea, we can latch on to their statement with more enthusiasm and trust than we can muster in response to our own inner voice. I may be confident but I still succumb to this syndrome from time to time. Perhaps, it is essential to keep everything in a realistic perspective....

Let us imagine, for sake of argument, we are trying to solve a crossword clue. To make the analogy more apt, let us say it's imperative to do this puzzle. There's a prize if we get it right or a punishment if we fail. 'Any old word' won't do. The object of the exercise is not just to fill space. We're better off with a hole in our grid than with a misleading answer. And we may not know what to accept but we know what to reject. That's a fine start. Perhaps we should be fussy, bold and be ready for anything.....Theory and practice are two very different things. Sometimes, there's simply no substitute for experience. We may well decide that there's no point in sitting around looking at the map a moment longer. The only way to get from A to B is to pick up our feet and start walking and to cast our caution to the winds. Put our money where our mouth is. Show the world that we mean business. The details of the route will sort themselves out if we just begin to move our feet!!!! (only if it was that simple!)

kash mishod rooza ra avaz kard....kash mishod khaterha ra zendeh kard....kash mishod hamishe bahar bood...kash mishod aslan hava abri nemishod vali baroon miomad....kash mishod hamishe fasle sonbolo narges bood....kash mishod hanooz bache boodimo bi dagdage....kash mishod hichkas doroogh nemigoft....kash mishod kasi kasi ra aziat nemikard...kash mishod adama hame khoob boodan...kash mishod hame shaba mahtabi boodan....kash mishod hame setareha ba ma harf mizadan....kash hame chiz sadeh bood....kash mishdo roo abra parvaz kard....kash mishod dastet to dastam bood.....kash mishod miboosidamet.....kash mishod sedaye nafasat ra toye khab mishmordam.....kash mishod to cheshmet negah konam....kash miashod sedaye pato hefz konam.....kash mishod ro sooratet dast bekeshamo khataye sooratet ra baraye hamishe be khater besporam....kash mishod inja boodi....kash mishod.....

I was reading one of our old conversations…that he had sent to me again…I guess on my persistent for wanting to post it on my web-blog!!!…Of course I never did at the end…but it was sitting in my received files folder…and it cut my eye while browsing through his pictures….

14th of May…. He is telling me about the Book exhibition and the rest…. Then he mentions this thing about dating 3 girls at the same time…. I didn’t think about it much at the time…maybe it didn’t seem important…and who am I to judge or label anyone or anything for that matter….

But now…. There is this nagging voice in my head…maybe it is unnecessary…. Maybe because I am just a girl…. I can’t help wondering whether he is doing that now too…I know we are dating…we are not even close to anything like that…but there is this thing that I can’t explain….no matter how much I deny the fact and say nothing is going on….there is something….there is always something…..

In that conversation he refers to wanting to test his own feelings…and realising that he has no feelings towards them…. In my book that would be ‘he doesn’t care’….

I can’t help wondering how many other girls at the same time of me he doesn’t care for……

I can’t help but wonder….

I talked to him after I read that script…. And as soon as we started to talk I forgot about what I was reading…. But I guess this morning I am hit by the post mortem symptom…Sitting on the train, clutching my hand in my packet to keep the cold away. I felt a rush of blood in my head. And an anxiety feeling that I hadn’t felt for a long time…and a nagging worry of…what if?

What is even stranger is that…I can’t talk to anyone about this…. This is what happens when without realising it he becomes the person you talk to about everything and anything and he suddenly is playing the best friend’s role on the other end of the phone without acknowledging it…

I feel the fear that I have been trying to kick away for months coming back and I shiver….

In the wrestle between my mind and my heart I end up reaching a decision that I am going to park this in the back of my mind where I cache all the information that I never want to refer to but may come handy one day….

I just wish there was a delete button and I could hear the w*** of the empty recycle been command…. But too bad the brain doesn’t get rid of the clutter that easily…

We work so hard to achieve more and thrive for success....but then when we get what we want we stand still and think...well ...now what????!!!!!

The Beatles sang, 'All you need is love.' But then, they were millionaire pop stars at the time. They already had money, fame, talent and even a degree of power. So perhaps it was true for them. Love was all they needed because they already had everything else. But what about the rest of us? Is love really all that we need too? That rather depends on what we mean by love, and by how deeply, sincerely and unconditionally we feel it. I feel there is already love in my life and there maybe whole lot more if I stay an optimist.... That may well prove to be, indeed, all I need!!!!!

We do not always feel able to be proud of our deepest desires. We often find ourselves feeling obliged to fight our appetites and resist our urges. It often seems as if the only way in which we can be 'good' is to do things which are dull. Only bad behaviour seems exciting. That's why life so often seems like one long inner wrestling match. So, should we struggle with ourselves ? Or is it OK to succumb to a powerful temptation? Perhaps that's between us and our conscience. But I will say this, some rules in this world were made to be broken.

Never shop for food when you're hungry, never negotiate a contract when feeling insecure, never set out on a journey when you're in a rush. All good advice, but not always so easy to take.... Needs must be responded to, regardless of how right or otherwise the time may be. ...

What's the definition of success? A refusal to be beaten by failure, perhaps!!!. What brings about progress? A determination not to stand still!!!
A miss, they say, is as good as a mile. That though, rather depends on the size of the target. If we are trying to achieve something exceedingly specific, then simply getting close will give us no comfort. Rarely in life though, do we need to organise our arrangements and involvements with the precision of an engineer. Indeed, if we try too hard to engineer anything we risk compromising our happiness by narrowing our expectations. Some say if we're not getting what we want, perhaps we should try wanting what we've actually got…..but that is seldom possible in reality….cause we live in a world where high achievers are congratulated and held up as examples to follow.

We tend to forget, though, that true quality of life is not related to how much we can get done but how deeply we enjoy our day-to-day experience of simply existing. Maybe we should be asking not, 'What can I add to my world?' but, 'What extraneous factor can I reduce or remove to lead a simpler, enjoyable life. Remember what the Americans say. 'Less is more'.

Some of us really don't want our problems to be solved. Some enjoy dealing with difficulty. They like having something to complain about. They fear that a life of comfort and contentment would be dismally dull or tiresomely tedious. So they keep on secretly stirring the pot…. I am not one of those people!!!

Why am I saying this to you now? Oh, no reason, really. Just passing the time making pleasant conversation, that's all. Nice weather we're having for the time of year, isn't it? Er...

It's funny how we can cope so well with life's big problems yet feel so frustrated about much seemingly smaller stuff. Maybe we take some of the anger that we really ought to feel about the big matters that we can't change, and direct it instead towards those more trivial targets. Or maybe, it's just the fact that sometimes the littlest things can provide the greatest pleasure…..

A friend of mine asked me this week…what makes me happy…..this is the second time that someone has asked me that question….and I have looked at them blankly….I may not have had an answer for that exact question but thankfully I could tell them what didn’t make me happy.. I do not need to be rich to be happy. Nor do I need worldly status, a blissful domestic set up, a brilliant creative idea or a perfect romantic life….okay…maybe a perfect romantic life… (But who is to say what is perfect!!!)…. All these things are nice enough if you happen to have them but they are still nothing more than 'roads to a destination'. The destination itself, a sense of profound contentment and gratitude for life, is a city to which there are a thousand approaches. Often, the less obvious paths provide a quicker, simpler, less-cluttered route to the centre…..