It is so strange...I never used to believe what people said...have you ever felt like that?... what they say about the only person who can make you stop crying is the person who actually made you cry! Tonight, with all its unnecessary slipage is the first time I have ever felt that way...I felt like I want to cry...and the only person who caused it...and can help stop it...is not even here!

Love, in its highest purest form is not just unconditional... it is universal. Sometimes, we catch a glimpse of the love that keeps our planet spinning on its axis. We sense the deep, divine love that keeps breath pumping in and out of our bodies, regardless of who we are or what we may deserve. That love is true love. The love we seek in romance is just a poor, pale reflection of that far greater force. How ironic that we see it as the be-all and end-all.

The more we carry, the more likely it is that, sooner or later, we will drop something. That's why some people try to go through life empty-handed. That way, they figure, they can never be accused of letting anything slip through their fingers. Attached to every endeavour is an element of risk, yet there really is no safety in inactivity. To do nothing can, under some circumstances, produce results that are far more dramatic. We can't sit around and say 'I don't want to do anything unnecessary now, but nor do I want to miss an important opportunity'....no matter how tempting it may sound!

Our ideas and opinions alter with the passage of time and the deepening of understanding. We learn, we digest, we inwardly grow wiser and more experienced in the ways of the world. Yesterday's irritations become today's amusements. The anxious fears of the past become the acceptable realities of the present. Our tastes alter, along with our preferences. Sometimes, we end up consciously electing to the exact opposite of what we once thought of as ideal. This is normal..right? Natural? and surely it is healthy. Only retentive people are doggedly consistent. I don't suppose we should apologise for our new point of view. Do we?
"That which does not destroy us makes us stronger", Or so, at least, they say. So that means we learn from it...right? So we get to re-evaluate things around us...we get to ask ourself, what am I doing now? Where am I heading? What are my plans? How am I already starting to gravitate towards the possible cause of further stress? It's a free world and supposedly I am a free spirit. I can choose as I see fit....all true...But I guess the challenge is to make sure that we are making a choice and that we are not just making ourself powerless in the face of some secret compulsion...whatever it maybe!

Which world do you want to live in, yesterday's or tomorrow's? Which would you rather inhabit, the world of how things ought to be or the world of how they really are? Comparisons are all well and good, just as long as they are valid. When, though, they are unrealistic or irrelevant, they create far too much confusion. I guess sometimes if what we've got doesn't measure up well against what we once had, we clearly need to change it. But if it merely fails to match some imaginary expectation or live up to some hypothetical ideal, perhaps we should want to think twice before altering anything.

I am still lost ...not sure if I like yesterdays with all its laughs and cries...or I want tomorrow...where I don't know what it would bring!

Who has the script to the play? And why, even if such a person is prepared to step forward, waving a piece of paper proudly, does their version of the plot differ so vastly from that of some other person with a similar set of guidelines? There are times when we yearn, with all our hearts, to be told what to believe, what to think or even what to feel. These are the times we are most vulnerable - yet they are also the times when actually we are potentially closest to the truth. Sometimes I feel as if I am in the middle of a great adventure...other times it seem as if I am in a perilous position, struggling to keep afloat on a sea of uncertainty. Am I somehow wrestling with fearful threats to my future stability? There is all the difference in the world between a person who feels as if they have some control over their situation and one who is losing all hope of ever gaining power or attaining freedom of choice. I have to be all I have the potential to be. It is no longer acceptable or desirable to retreat into a shell or to persuade myself that certain goals are due to be forever beyond my reach.

It's funny how sometimes, we see ourselves as small and helpless; seemingly destined to spend our lives travelling endlessly round in small circles. Even when we're feeling bold and proud, we can somehow limit our vision or tell ourselves that certain things will never be possible for us. Often, we have to be shaken awake from such a false perspective by a powerful or even slightly disturbing event. Only when we're 'on the edge' do we see how much we are actually capable of...whether or not we put ourselves on the edge or someone else is giving us a shove and a push is irrelevant!

We are all, to some extent, a product of our own past. It is only what we have been through that makes us what we are today. Sometimes though, we forget precisely what it is that we actually have been through - or we apply a very selective process when we sift through our memory banks. In drawing a discreet veil over a time that has now gone by, I am also cutting myself off from a recollection that I sorely need to draw on if I want perspective on a current matter. I think back bravely and clearly to see the best way forward today...then I remind myself that I need to be patient...time heals they say...but as someone said to me today...Time also kills!

I feel I am standing by the shoreline of surrender, expecting to be overwhelmed by a wave of inevitability! I ask myself am I resigned to a future full of compromise and repetition? Then I wade further out...fashion a board from the fabric of faith and prepare to surf on the tide of serendipity...try to build a boat of hope and start sailing the sea of possibility. I don't want to just sit here telling myself "there's nothing you can do"- I rather look out and tell me to "reach for the most obvious opportunity that I have and stop worrying about the drawbacks". But would I get help where and when I most need it? Will I experience success where and when I least expect it!? I have learned that smart plans fail to take me very far - but sincere, inspired actions, produce outstanding results…but not always!

A watched pot never boils. Or so they say. Yet we cannot conclude, from this, that an un-watched pot will heat up more rapidly. It may fall off the hob. Or it may boil - and then boil over. What the authors of this old saying were really trying to get at, I venture to suggest, is that success involves striking a balance between watching - and not watching - the pot! Well...what I am trying to say is that perhaps slow process can eventually lead only to great success. Maybe... just maybe we need to keep the momentum going without becoming impatient or restless...Having said that I can't help not doubting wether I have got the strength? Do I have the stamina? Can I take much more of a certain silly situation? Probably not - but then again difficulties won't disappear overnight, they need to go through their cycle...lets just hope it is not a long cycle!

'When the going gets tough, the tough get going.' But am I truly tough? Or am I secretly tender? A part of me doesn't want to be a hero. A part of me really doesn't want to cope with crisis or thrive in adversity. A part of me just wants to be cosseted and comforted, loved and listened to, understood and empathised with. Is that really too much to ask?

Well...things just can't stay as they are. I have to move forward to the next stage. Either I do so through a process of conscious decision-making or I will find myself being dragged towards the future by a series of events and developments that are seemingly out of my control...(ha..what is new!!!) ... There's nothing sinister in the picture nor is there anything problematic...perhaps I should try and overcome my desire to freeze one moment in time, so that it stays the same forever...or perhaps not!

Rocket science? A piece of cake. Brain surgery? No problem. If I really want to put myself against something difficult, I can try learning to want what I can actually have. Now that's tricky. We spend our whole lives pining for the apparently unattainable. The more remote, unlikely, or impossible an objective is, the more we lust after it. And no matter how wonderful, how ideal an actual situation may be, we find fault with it and soon begin to resent it. No matter how precious, nay, priceless, gift it maybe or no matter how much it deserves appreciation!!!

Fairy stories have a lot to answer for. They lead us to believe, at an impressionable age, that dreams can come true with the wave of a magic wand. Later in life, our expectations swing to the opposite extreme. We figure that dreams just don't ever come true and we had better wise up to that fact. Yet actually, deep down apart of us wants to believe that they do. We feel as though if at first, we put in an awful lot of work... then maybe something will work out...Sometimes, too, we have to go through experiences that we might far prefer to avoid! So I think fairy tales should be banned....

While I am on a subject of nagging and complaining....let me say something else too.....

Other people should be banned too. Just look at all the trouble they cause and the mess they make. Look at how they behave. Look at what they patently fail to understand. Honestly! Where do they come from? What purpose do they serve? Just think how much better the world would be without them.

ummm.....Admittedly, it would be a lonely place. Admittedly too, there would be nobody to criticise or despair of. But... well... for better or worse, other people, with other views and attitudes exist...and I guess I am learning to live with all the differences...

When good things happen, we assume they must have happened for a reason. When bad things happen, we never feel so sure. At best, we remind ourselves that all clouds have silver linings…(Usually, I just curse my luck!!)... Yet how do we really know whether a development is good or bad? The things we like most, often do us most damage. The things we like least often bring the greatest joy. I have lately felt inclined to resent a particular situation.
But why should I worry? What do I have to feel anxious about? Is there really some terrible threat on the horizon? Am I truly in danger of losing something I treasure? ... (The question is…do I even treasure it!?).. How can I possibly look at the past with such wistful longing, whilst turning to the future with such intense trepidation? What has happened to my faith? I seem to have been lost in the road of destiny…there seems to be nothing that governs direction. Sometimes, it seems as if the course of fate finds it necessary to drag me, kicking and screaming, against my will, towards whatever I most desperately need to experience or to connect with. I don't seem to have a reason to relax no matter how I look at things. No matter how I turn the page…how I look at the glass I don't seem to figure anything out…I wonder though that; can an apparent problem actually be a blessing in disguise? Is the future really brighter than I think? If I try to be subtle, sensitive, and calm and quiet, will I find myself being led painlessly and pleasingly towards the perfect destination?

Health warnings are everywhere these days. The nanny state just cannot leave us alone. "Watch out for this... " "Be careful of that... " "Remember, this isn't good for you." ..."Be aware, there may be consequences to your actions... "It can surely only be a matter of time before warnings are also issued in marriage ceremonies - or on the adverts for lonely hearts in the newspaper. "GOVERNMENT NOTICE; Scientists have now proved that relationships can be stressful and may prove injurious to your health." "ALERT; Sexual attraction is not necessarily a guarantee of romantic compatibility." What am I driving at? ... I don't even know...but I am begining to think that although I am complaining about the current of state of people nagging me all the time...but maybe if ...perhaps if....well...if there was a warning system for these kind of things it wouldn't have been so bad...then some of us wouldn't have to be so scared all the time!

Someone said to me this week, when you are stressed look at the trees...after a while starring at the leaves movement with the breeze puts you in the right state of calm...I tried that this morning driving to Germany...he was right...I watched the scenery as we drove from Belgium to Germany and I felt calmer than I have been for months…maybe that is a good omen…I don’t know…

Bloody hell why can't they have proper keyboards in these foreign countries…or have they just moved Z and Y to confuse me!! German conspiracy….ummm maz be…oh Maybe!

Loneliness is derived from the latin meaning to hold up your heart
and look right through it!

A rolling stone gathers no moss. A rolling snowball however, is another matter entirely. Roll a stone long enough and you will gradually wear it down. Roll a snowball and you will build it up, increasing its ability to resist a rise of temperature. So let's look at the desire, which, I feel, I do not stand a snowball's chance in hell of ever fulfilling. Stay where I am and all my hopes will turn to stone. Keep moving along though, and I never know what process I may be able to set rolling. As it appears and we all know all the debate and discussion in the world won't make a difference to my current need. I can try to understand it, I can contemplate the best way to address it or I can search for insights and indications. Ultimately though, it looks as though I am dealing with something that needs to be felt, not thought about, accepted not analysed, decided not dissected. Deep down, I already know that the only way to proceed is to stop wondering about how to proceed and instead, to simply proceed! Perhaps, the more I march ahead with confidence now, the more the right road will open up before me… (Notice the touch of optimism? umm...what have you people done to me!! :p )

When people asked me what I want out of life, I always used to take a few minute and re-run the tape of all the things I wanted in my head before I replied...when a friend asked me last night what I want out life, the impulse response was 'a normal life'!...when faced with her perplex reflection...I added...'something normal'...she still looked at me and raised an eyebrow. She then gave me a lecture on how disappointed she is with that response from someone like me...her argument to the subject of course is very valid...how do you define normal? How do you quantify things as normal?...what I call normal isn't necessary the norm to someone else perhaps I agree...but in the risk of repeating myself...I say once more...All I want...is Normal!...Whatever way you want to interpret or define it.

What difference can any of us really make to the state of the world? How, as helpless individuals, can we make any impact on all that harshness, darkness and heartlessness?