"Just follow your heart." That's what people say. They make it sound simple. They imply that, if only we can get ourselves "in tune with our deepest feelings" everything will be simple. They forget that the impulse of the heart is not particularly logical. It doesn't just disagree with the head by taking the opposite point of view, it winds it up to a frenzy by taking a stance that makes no sense. Or even, by taking two stances at once! I followed my heart, and where did it get me? ... round in circles. Perhaps I can't try to force it to follow a straight line...but that will be a change!!

"Be willing to be surprised"...An old friend of mine once said! I guess, we all, even if we are open-minded, spend more time than we realise keeping the unexpected at bay. If we see something coming up that we can't be sure of, we do our best to get one step ahead. We don't necessarily run for cover or refuse to let change occur, but we set up a series of controls and checks. We try to ensure that we won't get swept off our feet or taken off at a tangent. Life though, always finds a way to rewrite our agenda sooner or later. It has a mission to remind us that we really don't know everything. Whenever we allow it to make this point, we profit. It is only when we refuse to be told that we suffer.

It's strange how sometimes, familiar things can suddenly seem very strange to us. We think that we really know a place, a person, a subject or a situation. Then, something happens to alter our perception. After this, we can never see things in quite the same way again. I have been through quite a journey of discovery - and rediscovery - lately. Infact I am still going down that road. Though some events have placed me under pressure, have created lots of stress and caused a feeling of an increased need for real, strong security, I want to believe the process to be essentially a positive one. I am learning a lesson now that will be of practical, profitable benefit to me for the rest of my life...Never trust anything or anyone!...call that pessimism...but hey...I never claimed to be an optimist...that is a myth!

Sometimes, you just can't get comfortable on the sofa no matter what you do. You can rearrange the cushions, change your position and shuffle around for as long as you like, yet somehow, you won't feel fully able to relax. Well picture me with that syndrome right now....It is like there is a situation that just doesn't feel quite right...not just like!...infact there is!....but I keep thinking I can waste an awful lot of time and energy in an attempt to fix things. Yet it may make a lot more sense to accept that there will be a problem, regardless of what I do, so I might as well do whatever is easiest...which you have repeatedly heard me say...turn and walk away...and you have also heard me say that I would never do that again...I have even confused myself with this double standard that somehow only I have managed to create....

You see the thing is, If I walk I have only disregarded a decision I made...but if I carry on worrying and looking for solutions, for something that obviously is not fixable I will just be hurting myself...and helping out the process of deterioration...with painful agenda!!!

So...to turn or not to turn....??

How are we supposed to get what we want? They say, One technique involves learning to want whatever you happen to have...Ok...fair enough... Apparently this ensures success every time, and If it does not much appeal to you, here's an alternative they say... Try making sure that whatever you want is really worth wanting, so if you get it, you will never feel let down, and if you don't, at least you will be able to console yourself with the knowledge that you were attempting to achieve something truly worthwhile.

I guess what they are trying to say is to hold out for the best , you may yet get it...it is that 'may' part that I don't buy!

Imagine being blindfolded and then taken for a walk. You are led to a ledge and then instructed to jump. You stand there psychologically preparing yourself for a brave leap into a chasm. You are flexing and tensing your muscles in the hope that these will absorb the impact when you finally land. Yet in fact, you have only a couple of feet to fall! In a way, this is exactly what is happening to me now!Exactly how I feel... I can't quite see what is coming next so I am preparing for the worst. I guess you can't win'em all. But then, nor can we lose 'em all! The law of averages dictates that sooner or later, no matter how badly things seem to be falling apart, something is going to have to come together.

It's a little funny really. We are trained from the earliest possible age, to be competitive. As schoolchildren we are pitted against our classmates. Throughout our adult life we are encouraged to make comparisons. Who are we better than? Whose standard have we yet to surpass? Yet life is not a sport nor a game. Winning and losing are shallow notions - of interest only to the intellectually bankrupt and the imaginatively barren. It's not a victory we need , it's a sense of satisfaction that we strive for! Something to make sense of...Something logical.....but then again...If we are all so fond of logic, reason, sense and strategy - why are there so many pubs? Why do so many of us spend so much time ingesting large amounts of poisonous liquid in an attempt to blur our brains and dull our wits? The truth of the matter is that we love to feel a little stupid and bemused! Indeed, there's only one thing that most of us enjoy more than confusion... and that's delusion! We all at one point or another seem to be entertaining a particularly ridiculous fantasy , and we tend to indulge a bit in its amusement and ignore it i If it upsetting us...as if casually walking away from it...easier said than done!

We take the familiar for granted and give undue respect to the unknown. That's why so many stupid things happen in the name of progress. That's why people are forever reinventing the wheel. If we've got something good, we don't appreciate it. Yet if something is lurking on the horizon, just out of sight, then no matter how shallow or dull it may truly be, we tend to imagine it contains the answers to all our prayers.

Faith, as far as I am concerned, is not something you can subject to analysis. Rather like love, it is something you either feel or you don't. You can't talk yourself into it or out of it, nor can you explain, justify or rationalise it. When you have got a good feeling that you want to support, there is no need to engage your intellect. At the moment though, I keep asking; Is it a lack of faith that I need to conquer? Is it that I need something my heart and mind alike can believe in? That certainly sounds like a bit of a far-fetched aspiration but I have had more surprises lately than I can count...so one never knows!

Have you ever watched a tree grow? Have you ever watched a flower open? Such processes take place slowly and subtly. Only through watching a film, speeded up, do we get to see how they really occur. This is why, sometimes, we can feel as if there really is no movement in our life. Nothing is changing or moving on, then suddenly, one day, we realise that things are very different and they will never be the same again!

'Talk things through' That is what the experts all advise us to do. If we have a problem they say we should get it off our chest. Share the burden. Get a dialogue going. The more we communicate with each other, the more we will foster mutual understand and respect. Or so, at least, the great psychologists tell us. But what if you find yourself trying to have words with someone who just winds you up? What if, the more you talk to a particular person, the more inclined you feel to run screaming for the hills. What if it doesn't work?....Is it ok to pull back, shut up, and let more time pass?
Eventually, we can get used to most things. If continually assailed by an unpleasant noise, we will find some way to 'filter it out', If confronted with a lingering, noxious odour, we will eventually shut down the receptors in the part of our brain that recognises such smells. We can even handle pain in this way if subjected to it often enough. Sometimes, though, we end up protecting ourselves unnecessarily. I now feel inclined to toughen up...!

Raftaniash Raftanian...Moondaniash Mimoonan!

'Fools' we are reliably informed, 'rush in where angels fear to tread.' This leads us to wonder what kind of angels they must be? Why should bona-fide angels be afraid of anything? They have the supreme being on their side, don't they? I am now sorely tempted to doubt anything involving delicate matters like this and just simply like to call them difficult situations. This may be an act of stunning self-sacrifice or extreme stupidity. They say we can't always have what we want. Or can we? What if we decide to want what we don't want? Then, the universe can only disappoint us by giving us what we do want! That's going to protect us, isn't it? Or then again, perhaps not. Through such use of convoluted logic, we cut off our nose to spite our face. We do things that make no sense. May be we are secretly afraid of success? Maybe we fear that we will not be able to cope if our deepest wishes are granted?

We dream of happy-ever-afters. We yearn for cosy cottages with roses round the door. We want to live in peaceful places where all are respectful of one another's needs. And the trouble with all this is? Well, there's no harm in dreaming but we need to remember that we live on planet Earth. There are a lot of jagged edges in the real world - and a lot of unresolved issues too. There are no miracle cures for problems. I may just have to accept things the way they are for a while. That will prove easy as long as I stop punishing myself with unrealistic ideas about perfect solutions. Because there is no such thing....

Perhaps I should make this week the last instalment in a silly saga. There is something that I need to clear up, sort out and move on from. I can't alter certain crucial factors but I can at least decide that I am not going to let them bother me as much in the future. I have been taking something or shall I say someone far too seriously. In allowing myself to feel so concerned, I have been placing a subtle but steady drain on my own power and strength. Now it's time to care a little less and accomplish a whole lot more. I can't, of course, become callous or careless - but I can (and must) perhaps make my key choices a little more dispassionately, while holding on to a broader sense of perspective... (So did Lili insist!)

People who honestly speak their minds are often regarded with suspicion. We live in a polite society. We are encouraged, from an early age, to hide whatever we truly feel and to say what is expected of us. Such behaviour may sometimes go against the grain. There are times when even the meekest and the mildest among us prefer to be upfront and direct, regardless of the social consequences...But are they really? Being upfront I mean? Or in some cases like my experience today, they are trying hard to look like they are being upfront to rectify a situation or doing it out of concern for you?... Tonight I realised though I am particularly disinclined to live out a lie - or to support a suspect supposition, but I have no choice...I was, of course, wonderfully diplomatic and delicate. But I still ended up annoying someone...and that someone wasn't anyone but me…because I sat there and listened to the things that were being said…no matter how contradictory they were to what was said before…and no matter how they conflicted with what the eyes said… Perhaps it doesn't much matter. It's important for the right things to be said and done. If they truly are right, they will end up having the right results...Perhpas sometimes it is easier to switch off and stop listening and just take in what the eyes say deep within, and that will be enough for you...just to know!


The past month was far too strange, everything started to happen at once. Maybe that was not especially unusual. Sometimes it seems as if life is divided into times of feast or famine with not much by way of middle ground. I am beginning to get use to this sudden change schemes, creating a vast amount for me to deal with, focus on, learn and adapt to. It seems as if I have far too much to do in a short space of time. Shall I assume that unexpected developments are convenient coincidences, not aggravating impositions? Shall I aim for quality not quantity and, if something can wait... let it!? Isn't it true that I can't eat every meal on the menu and I can't buy every product in the shop? Nor can I take up every offer that comes my way. You see, the real restriction isn't financial. It is to do with the fact that there's a limit to the number of things I can give my heart and soul to. Rich and poor alike have to whittle down their options sometimes. Variety may be the spice of life but spice needs rice or it isn't nice. Or, to put it another way, some basic and fundamental things need dealing with.


Driving home last night I was thinking, why does everything in this world seem to cost so much? Why does it always seem as though, even if the price is not high financially, it is high in some other way? Why must we always give so much effort, energy, time or emotional commitment in order to get anywhere or to attain anything? Why does it seem that we are being asked to spare more than we can supply? I don't want to let anyone down, nor do I want to deprive myself of something. Nonetheless, reality must be faced. Or mustn't it? Maybe I should keep on trying to come up with the perfect way to fulfil all of my current conflicting needs. I may yet manage to square the circle after all. Watching the sunrise I thought that I shouldn't need to worry about all the 'opportunities' that I may be missing or the 'responsibilities' that I may be failing to carry out fully...or giving away the things or the people I may care most for... For once the right key choices have been made in my life, whatever else I need will come….the fact that I had nothing to do with making the choices is of course irrelevant! Or isn't it?

When a key has a label attached to it, we can instantly tell how useful it may be to us. “Aha,” we say to ourselves, “that opens THIS door. Now I know where to keep it and when to use it.” In every home though, there’s a drawer somewhere containing unlabelled, unrecognised keys. We don’t throw them out in case they prove useful. Nor, though, do we ever bother to experiment with them... until we come across something that needs unlocking. For keys, read answers. For doors, read problems. For drawer read ‘back of your mind’.

I listened...and I looked deep in the eyes that contradicted what was being said...then in a mare moment... I realised I don't need to say anything...infact I no longer wanted to say anything...didn't want to shout, didn't want to make a point...didn't want to shed a tear for my own comforts sake...I couldn't even if I wanted to...it was as though my tears have dried up...It was as if I was going through that drawer in the back of mind...which was saying reserved for pointless arguments...put me in here right in the back...and lock me up once and for all!

So I did...and as I was throwing the key away behind me I felt that sharp pain, deep in my heart, closed my eyes and wished for erasing this moment of that part of the brain that archives everything!!! Hoping to loose the archive tape too!

God, they say in the Old Testament, made man in his own image. Let us hope that he did not also copy his own personality when he created the human race. For if God is as judgemental, narrow-minded, ignorant, arrogant, stupid and selfish as most people on this planet seem to be, then, Houston, we have a problem. Somewhere within we may all have the capacity to be loving, tolerant, kind, enlightened, wise and selfless, but we don’t half hide it! He also gave us selective memory, which without; few of us would get very far. We all subconsciously bury painful or embarrassing experiences. Every so often, though, events in daily life require us to dredge up these old wrecks from the bottom of our emotional ocean. With a sense of resentment, at best - or real anger, at worst - we set out to remember a day we might prefer to forget.

My situation, may well be producing just such a vivid reminder of yesterday. But hey everyone tells me to be optimistic, someone even said “perhaps this experience could yet reveal something well worth retrieving” ….blah blah blah….

Deep within the heart of every human being is a humble, simple soul. For all our sophistication, complexity and pride, we simply want to lead a happy, meaningful life. Our heart wants to feel safe; comfortable, comforted and content. That’s not some impossible, unattainable dream. It’s perfectly feasible to enjoy a life that contains very little stress and a great deal of joy. All it requires is perhaps a willingness to stop trying to rule a certain sector of the world. Maybe relax a little. Then relax a little more. If at all possible, go back to bed. According to one of my dear friends, “failing that, just don’t bother waking up too much. Avoid coffee. Drink camomile tea” .....I gave it a go...but had to wake up!


I need a boost, a break and a better way of leading life. Whilst I think I have been coping pretty well, I am now running out of cheerful, hopeful energy. What I want is for things to come more easily, for solutions to turn up more quickly and convincingly and for relationships to be less of a mixed blessing. Is that too much to ask for? Why should it be? If I don’t think an improvement is possible, then I must think again, as life will be so meaningless that way. I certainly deserve a treat…and it better come my way anytime soon…can’t live on camomile tea for ever you know…..Hello….anyone up there ? if you are listening…..I want my break…and cut this camomile tea crap!

All I have to do, if I want a certain process to stop at any moment, is to say ‘enough’. That magic word will almost instantly end the ride, the journey, the process or the problem. I am really not obliged to take more than I can cope with. I don’t have to go through any kind of endurance test. There has always been a part of me that feels it must put up with whatever the world is putting me through. Not so anymore. From now on the moment I feel inclined to assert my authority over a particular situation, I will do it . If the world is truly my oyster as people keep telling me, then I can be free to do whatever I want and whatever that makes me feel good, even if it is breaking someone's neck! Or screaming! Or kicking the bucket a few times...or sack a few people at work!! ( Perhasp the last one is a bit extreme!)...
Just a thought, but if as they say the world is infact my Oyster...then where the hell’s the pearl? Perhaps it is more accurate to view the world as my oyster farm, populated with molluscs in various stages of development. Some do, indeed, contain pearls but for various reasons, I feel more inclined to gaze longingly at the ones which are not yet ready. I want (or at least I think I want) a very particular pearl. Maybe in time, I can have it. Right now though, if I look in the right place, I can claim a whole string of other, no less wonderful prizes as long as I am not overly particular about it!...ya so they keep saying too...'Don't be Particular' about it!

I am beginning to feel thoroughly fed up with a particular person and a certain situation. I keep wondering what kind of a mistake I have made. In fact, I have nothing to regret, apologise for or 'undo'. All that's needed is an even more enthusiastic attitude on my part. Surely, there is a way to take a tough scenario and turn it into a source of pleasure and satisfaction. It involves storming ahead with energy, belief and commitment " regardless of how much cynicism, doubt or negativity surrounds it' or indeed, emanates from within my own mind. Shall I just ignore it all now? But that is what I always do...shall I run again? Shall I turn away and walk off? It seemed so easy before...but there is something strangely unknown and unfamiliar about this scenario this time...

Perhaps, It is time to redefine a role, rewrite a rule and give the heave-ho to a habit. For some while, I have been gazing wistfully into space saying: 'One day, I will change Factor X or solve Problem Y.' Each time I take a few tentative steps in this direction I get a sharp reminder of the reason why it is not so easy. Chastened, I step back again. There may never though, come a point where it's totally simple and easy. Sooner or later, I am going to have to summon some real willpower and determination.

Why wait till later? Sooner has arrived. If I seize this moment, perhaps I won't require another!!

There are points that need to be made, issues that ought to be discussed and matters that can no longer be ignored. The temptation is to wait until someone else says or does something. That though, merely gives away an advantage. But i guess I should be the one to take the bull by the horn and have the courage to open a conversational can of worms. There will, I can fairly safely bet, be an awkward moment when this first happens but it will be followed by a moment of much greater understanding, concord and communication. I don't normally away from what I know I must march bravely towards...but there is this strange heavy thing deep in my heart that is not letting me take a step.....

Why are we all so keen, so often, to get away from it all? What makes us feel that a change of scenery will heal or change something? Is it because, when we are outside our usual environment, we say and do things that at home we don't dare to? What I really want to make contact with now is my strength; the ability to be more resourceful, confident, and successful. Perhaps all this requires is a clear decision to stop following habit patterns which have been founded on false fear. I know I don't need to go anywhere different. I just need to see the current situation with fresh eyes. blah blah blah....