A rolling stone gathers no moss. A rolling snowball however, is another matter entirely. Roll a stone long enough and you will gradually wear it down. Roll a snowball and you will build it up, increasing its ability to resist a rise of temperature. So let's look at the desire, which, I feel, I do not stand a snowball's chance in hell of ever fulfilling. Stay where I am and all my hopes will turn to stone. Keep moving along though, and I never know what process I may be able to set rolling. As it appears and we all know all the debate and discussion in the world won't make a difference to my current need. I can try to understand it, I can contemplate the best way to address it or I can search for insights and indications. Ultimately though, it looks as though I am dealing with something that needs to be felt, not thought about, accepted not analysed, decided not dissected. Deep down, I already know that the only way to proceed is to stop wondering about how to proceed and instead, to simply proceed! Perhaps, the more I march ahead with confidence now, the more the right road will open up before me… (Notice the touch of optimism? umm...what have you people done to me!! :p )

When people asked me what I want out of life, I always used to take a few minute and re-run the tape of all the things I wanted in my head before I replied...when a friend asked me last night what I want out life, the impulse response was 'a normal life'!...when faced with her perplex reflection...I added...'something normal'...she still looked at me and raised an eyebrow. She then gave me a lecture on how disappointed she is with that response from someone like me...her argument to the subject of course is very valid...how do you define normal? How do you quantify things as normal?...what I call normal isn't necessary the norm to someone else perhaps I agree...but in the risk of repeating myself...I say once more...All I want...is Normal!...Whatever way you want to interpret or define it.

What difference can any of us really make to the state of the world? How, as helpless individuals, can we make any impact on all that harshness, darkness and heartlessness?

Some people truly enjoy being pessimistic...(i.e. Yours truely) Cynicism makes them smile. Gloom gives them a glow. They get a buzz out of the blues. A hit of hopelessness. This is perfectly acceptable. It's a free world, we are not all obliged to be optimists. We are perfectly entitled to take our pleasure wherever we can find it - as long as it does no harm to others. Mind you, there are some who might argue that negativity is harmful in the extreme; addictive, contagious and, once embraced, extremely difficult to abandon. Perhaps I should stop it and don't succumb to an unnecessary antisocial temptation today.

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. That's what many people fervently believe. They feel that just as all coins have two sides, so all situations have their pros and cons. What's good in one way will be bad in another. Are they right? Who can say. It is, though, very hard to imagine how the current conjunction of events in my life can have a significant downside. Maybe it is a heavenly gift; bountiful blessings from a benign cosmos. It may be a little overly-poetic, Or it could all be an understatement.

In the republic of the visually challenged, the partially sighted person is president. I have had to update this phrase, it use to read; "In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed man is King." This was a lot more succinct but not very politically correct. Yet the meaning is as apposite as ever. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. Powerful people rarely turn out to be any wiser, saner or more sensible than the rest of us. Now let's look at my power. Am I being truly fair? In attempting to defend myself, from a perceived threat, might I actually be creating an even bigger menace or potential problem? Perhaps I either need to understand much more - or to ignore much more!

Some people believe that attack is the best form of defence. The same sort of people tend to think that if you spare the rod, you will spoil the child - or that immigrants are aliens and enemies who sap the resources of the state and undermine the fabric of society. People with such aggressive prejudices are to be pitied. But deep down, within us all, no matter how wise, kind, intelligent and tolerant we may be, there's an angry bigot waiting for a chance to justify ignorant behaviour. Don't get me wrong I am not implying that I now might intensely dislike something or someone... The opprobrium I feel here seem like as if it is robbing me of my most precious possession; perspective.

Home..sweet home....

Expectation is a tiresome thing...because you always end up getting confused or disappointed... like you would expect to see french people in Paris but Aue Contrair you see everyone but them...this bloody french keyboard...I dont think I can make my point before my internet connection thing runs out...so I will tell you the rest later....when i get back home....

Tomorrow can never come. As soon as one today ends, another begins. Tomorrow's arrival is thus forever shifted back by a further 24 hours. Tomorrow though, is determined to make contact with us somehow so it employs a form of subterfuge. Rather than wait for some mythical point in the future, it sneaks into our lives, dressed in the clothes of today. It pretends to be a part of our current agenda. By the time we see where it is taking us, it is often too late. Well on the look out, for tomorrow, I am thinking what if it never comes?

None of us like loose endings. We prefer things to be neatly tied up and sorted out. That's why some of us enjoy reading or writing fiction. In storybooks, you can have that sense of completeness. In real life? Well, there's always going to be unfinished business of some sort, somewhere. You can't expect everything to suddenly start making perfect sense.

Many people have long memories and short tempers. For me, it's not a case of once bitten, twice shy. It is more that, once I have been bitten, I am forever ready to bite right back at anything that remotely reminds me of those offending teeth. Attack, I tend to feel, is usually the best form of defence. Often, that is very true too. What though, if I am in a safe position? I normally feel as though I have got a titanium shell and I only face a toothless monster with a weak jaw, so I might as well relax, but contrary to that position; It is now as if I am walking on a narrow path at the top of some great cliff. To one side, there's an impenetrable wall. To the other, a breathtaking drop to the sea far below. So... how safe should I feel? How scared should I be?
Insofar as I am fully aware of a particular danger, How could I ever have any reason to relax? I am terrified of taking a silly risk or forget to watch my footing. I guess it is only natural that the existence of a potential problem is providing me with a constant reminder of the need for caution. But should I be glad for the tension I feel? Would I have any reason to believe that everything is going to be ok and I can stop to worry!?
Some beliefs are easy and convenient. Others require conscious, constant renewal. We can't though, use this as a basis for deciding that one belief is more likely to be true than another. Indeed, we can't reliably employ any technique to assess the validity of a belief. We just have to believe what we believe - and then believe whatever we want to believe about whatever anyone else believes!

What are the first signs..symptoms...whatever... of a nervous break down???

If it's not one thing, it's another. This though, surely comes as no surprise to me. It has always been thus. The world is full of people who just can't leave well alone. For some strange reason, they all seem to have my phone number. (seem to know where I live too...well it is inevitable when sometimes those peoples could be as close as ...say..family!) How much easier life would be if only I didn't have to deal with all those idiots. Yet, how much more boring too. Exasperating developments make life interesting. Er... don't they? It seems like I may need to remind myself, , that chaos has a purpose and that stupidity can sometimes lead to serendipity. I remeber someone once said to me; 'There will be moments when you find yourself almost unable to believe what's happening. But as long as you can relinquish your desire for reasonable explanations you will find things work out surprisingly well'...I am very tempted to finish off with my usual walk away clause 'blah blah blah'...but the more I think about it...the more it is making sense...damn he maybe onto something with this advise...umm!

When your car breaks down, you send for the roadside repair service. But who tows away the tow-truck when the tow-truck breaks down? If you are experiencing emotional anxiety, you can consult an expert psychologist. But who gives therapy to the therapist?

Homeopaths believe that the less of a substance you employ, the more powerful it becomes. This idea intensely annoys the scientifically minded. They do not understand the subtle, etheric, esoteric principles upon which such semi-magical preparations are based. But they have a similar problem accepting other unprovable phenomena. They refuse to acknowledge the existence of love - or divine inspiration. There may be little logic in that but If I apply it to what goes on around me there's an awful lot of poetry and power in it.

What do you need if you want to make a dream come true? Energy? Commitment? Luck? Faith? Belief? Probably, we need all of the above - but perhaps not in quite the quantity we might imagine. Sometimes, we have to strive with all our might to get our heart's desire. Sometimes, we only have to lift a finger. But then, if one is feeling unduly pessimistic, like I do now...and most of the time... even the lifting of a finger can seem like an exhausting and pointless task.

I have another question while we are here....well more than one question...no point in haggleing ....Does the course of true love ever run smooth? Are the genuinely great and the good invariably destined to face constant challenge? Must the most talented people on our planet also be the most tortured? Must the most blessed be saddled with the heaviest burdens? I only ask because... Well, I suspect this is all a plot... although there's something in this situation now, which is extremely bitter sweet. But then, what else could it be? Would I really ever have things any other way?

Don't you sometimes get the feeling that wanting something can be more fun than actually having it? and when that unattainable item is lodged in your imagination, twinkling away like a breathtaking jewel, you think about what it would be like if you had it, how it would feel, how it would change your life? You dream about it, and the next day you embroider the fantasies a little more and have the same pleasures of longing all over again. But if you actually bought it, you would take it home, put it on a shelf and that would be that...umm I wonder if my current saga is just as simple as that!

No point in pretending that things are ideal - or almost ideal. A little tweak, here or there, in some slightly-flawed situation, is not going to sort me out. There's something more basic and fundamental amiss. That's the bad news.

I really feel I am facing a race against time...There are certain ways in which I maybe able to reduce the pressure I feel now - and I should employ them all!... Maybe self-imposed deadlines can and should be reviewed. I have enough on my plate just dealing with the tasks which are universally accepted as urgent…focusing on your MBA...getting on the right track with career...clearing your issues with your bank manager (we seem to need to resolve some issues and maybe our differences...just because I have no money in my bank account doesn’t mean he has to go ahead and put an stop on my credit card now is it!! :P )

I need to be superhuman to achieve a flawless result in a situation like the one I now face. So as you can see there doesn't seem to be any good news to give…

The good news could be that, I know...once I concede as much and become willing to instigate the appropriate major alterations, I will soon see what needs to be done. It may well involve hard work and compromise, but, at least, I will be truly constructive. And the progress that I make will benefit me for the rest of my days!....Discovery of the life time as u can see....

But that leads me to my usual...blah blah blah....

Some one read my fortune today...with one of those strange card game things...it all started really good ...you know...like 'Your heart is stuck somewhere... (Delet pishe yeki gir kardeh!) ' ... and oh... 'look two hearts are really close together' ... and apparently there is something very crucial when there is an Ace of Clubs and an Ace of Hearts lined up...'But'...damn there is always a 'but'...'There is also a black jack guarding the heart'...woohoo...tell me something I don't know...according to my so called fortune teller...this is a very difficult task and would never come about and I better forget about it...duh!

Isn't hindsight wonderful? It lets us see all sorts of things that we shouldn't have done, but did do. And do we ever learn from it? No, not really; we just go on and make the same mistakes all over again in the hope that it might turn out better next time. The key word there is 'hope'. That is what makes us human, and it is what drives us to do things which are supposedly outside our capabilities and experience, but which somehow surprise us by turning out well. I suppose what I am trying to get to is that...maybe I shouldn't let the recent setbacks stop me from hoping...because after all 'hope' is all I have got!

Can we really hold the feelings we don't want to end?