Saturday, September 06, 2003

It is so strange...I never used to believe what people said...have you ever felt like that?... what they say about the only person who can make you stop crying is the person who actually made you cry! Tonight, with all its unnecessary slipage is the first time I have ever felt that way...I felt like I want to cry...and the only person who caused it...and can help stop it...is not even here!

Thursday, September 04, 2003

Love, in its highest purest form is not just unconditional... it is universal. Sometimes, we catch a glimpse of the love that keeps our planet spinning on its axis. We sense the deep, divine love that keeps breath pumping in and out of our bodies, regardless of who we are or what we may deserve. That love is true love. The love we seek in romance is just a poor, pale reflection of that far greater force. How ironic that we see it as the be-all and end-all.

Wednesday, September 03, 2003

The more we carry, the more likely it is that, sooner or later, we will drop something. That's why some people try to go through life empty-handed. That way, they figure, they can never be accused of letting anything slip through their fingers. Attached to every endeavour is an element of risk, yet there really is no safety in inactivity. To do nothing can, under some circumstances, produce results that are far more dramatic. We can't sit around and say 'I don't want to do anything unnecessary now, but nor do I want to miss an important opportunity'....no matter how tempting it may sound!
Our ideas and opinions alter with the passage of time and the deepening of understanding. We learn, we digest, we inwardly grow wiser and more experienced in the ways of the world. Yesterday's irritations become today's amusements. The anxious fears of the past become the acceptable realities of the present. Our tastes alter, along with our preferences. Sometimes, we end up consciously electing to the exact opposite of what we once thought of as ideal. This is normal..right? Natural? and surely it is healthy. Only retentive people are doggedly consistent. I don't suppose we should apologise for our new point of view. Do we?
"That which does not destroy us makes us stronger", Or so, at least, they say. So that means we learn from it...right? So we get to re-evaluate things around us...we get to ask ourself, what am I doing now? Where am I heading? What are my plans? How am I already starting to gravitate towards the possible cause of further stress? It's a free world and supposedly I am a free spirit. I can choose as I see fit....all true...But I guess the challenge is to make sure that we are making a choice and that we are not just making ourself powerless in the face of some secret compulsion...whatever it maybe!
Which world do you want to live in, yesterday's or tomorrow's? Which would you rather inhabit, the world of how things ought to be or the world of how they really are? Comparisons are all well and good, just as long as they are valid. When, though, they are unrealistic or irrelevant, they create far too much confusion. I guess sometimes if what we've got doesn't measure up well against what we once had, we clearly need to change it. But if it merely fails to match some imaginary expectation or live up to some hypothetical ideal, perhaps we should want to think twice before altering anything.

I am still lost ...not sure if I like yesterdays with all its laughs and cries...or I want tomorrow...where I don't know what it would bring!

Monday, September 01, 2003

Who has the script to the play? And why, even if such a person is prepared to step forward, waving a piece of paper proudly, does their version of the plot differ so vastly from that of some other person with a similar set of guidelines? There are times when we yearn, with all our hearts, to be told what to believe, what to think or even what to feel. These are the times we are most vulnerable - yet they are also the times when actually we are potentially closest to the truth. Sometimes I feel as if I am in the middle of a great adventure...other times it seem as if I am in a perilous position, struggling to keep afloat on a sea of uncertainty. Am I somehow wrestling with fearful threats to my future stability? There is all the difference in the world between a person who feels as if they have some control over their situation and one who is losing all hope of ever gaining power or attaining freedom of choice. I have to be all I have the potential to be. It is no longer acceptable or desirable to retreat into a shell or to persuade myself that certain goals are due to be forever beyond my reach.

It's funny how sometimes, we see ourselves as small and helpless; seemingly destined to spend our lives travelling endlessly round in small circles. Even when we're feeling bold and proud, we can somehow limit our vision or tell ourselves that certain things will never be possible for us. Often, we have to be shaken awake from such a false perspective by a powerful or even slightly disturbing event. Only when we're 'on the edge' do we see how much we are actually capable of...whether or not we put ourselves on the edge or someone else is giving us a shove and a push is irrelevant!

Sunday, August 31, 2003

We are all, to some extent, a product of our own past. It is only what we have been through that makes us what we are today. Sometimes though, we forget precisely what it is that we actually have been through - or we apply a very selective process when we sift through our memory banks. In drawing a discreet veil over a time that has now gone by, I am also cutting myself off from a recollection that I sorely need to draw on if I want perspective on a current matter. I think back bravely and clearly to see the best way forward today...then I remind myself that I need to be patient...time heals they say...but as someone said to me today...Time also kills!
I feel I am standing by the shoreline of surrender, expecting to be overwhelmed by a wave of inevitability! I ask myself am I resigned to a future full of compromise and repetition? Then I wade further out...fashion a board from the fabric of faith and prepare to surf on the tide of serendipity...try to build a boat of hope and start sailing the sea of possibility. I don't want to just sit here telling myself "there's nothing you can do"- I rather look out and tell me to "reach for the most obvious opportunity that I have and stop worrying about the drawbacks". But would I get help where and when I most need it? Will I experience success where and when I least expect it!? I have learned that smart plans fail to take me very far - but sincere, inspired actions, produce outstanding results…but not always!