Sometimes, it's easier to agree with someone than to reach a state of agreement with ourself. When, for example, we hear another person saying that such and such is a good idea, we can latch on to their statement with more enthusiasm and trust than we can muster in response to our own inner voice. I may be confident but I still succumb to this syndrome from time to time. Perhaps, it is essential to keep everything in a realistic perspective....

Let us imagine, for sake of argument, we are trying to solve a crossword clue. To make the analogy more apt, let us say it's imperative to do this puzzle. There's a prize if we get it right or a punishment if we fail. 'Any old word' won't do. The object of the exercise is not just to fill space. We're better off with a hole in our grid than with a misleading answer. And we may not know what to accept but we know what to reject. That's a fine start. Perhaps we should be fussy, bold and be ready for anything.....Theory and practice are two very different things. Sometimes, there's simply no substitute for experience. We may well decide that there's no point in sitting around looking at the map a moment longer. The only way to get from A to B is to pick up our feet and start walking and to cast our caution to the winds. Put our money where our mouth is. Show the world that we mean business. The details of the route will sort themselves out if we just begin to move our feet!!!! (only if it was that simple!)

kash mishod rooza ra avaz kard....kash mishod khaterha ra zendeh kard....kash mishod hamishe bahar bood...kash mishod aslan hava abri nemishod vali baroon miomad....kash mishod hamishe fasle sonbolo narges bood....kash mishod hanooz bache boodimo bi dagdage....kash mishod hichkas doroogh nemigoft....kash mishod kasi kasi ra aziat nemikard...kash mishod adama hame khoob boodan...kash mishod hame shaba mahtabi boodan....kash mishod hame setareha ba ma harf mizadan....kash hame chiz sadeh bood....kash mishdo roo abra parvaz kard....kash mishod dastet to dastam bood.....kash mishod miboosidamet.....kash mishod sedaye nafasat ra toye khab mishmordam.....kash mishod to cheshmet negah konam....kash miashod sedaye pato hefz konam.....kash mishod ro sooratet dast bekeshamo khataye sooratet ra baraye hamishe be khater besporam....kash mishod inja boodi....kash mishod.....

I was reading one of our old conversations…that he had sent to me again…I guess on my persistent for wanting to post it on my web-blog!!!…Of course I never did at the end…but it was sitting in my received files folder…and it cut my eye while browsing through his pictures….

14th of May…. He is telling me about the Book exhibition and the rest…. Then he mentions this thing about dating 3 girls at the same time…. I didn’t think about it much at the time…maybe it didn’t seem important…and who am I to judge or label anyone or anything for that matter….

But now…. There is this nagging voice in my head…maybe it is unnecessary…. Maybe because I am just a girl…. I can’t help wondering whether he is doing that now too…I know we are dating…we are not even close to anything like that…but there is this thing that I can’t explain….no matter how much I deny the fact and say nothing is going on….there is something….there is always something…..

In that conversation he refers to wanting to test his own feelings…and realising that he has no feelings towards them…. In my book that would be ‘he doesn’t care’….

I can’t help wondering how many other girls at the same time of me he doesn’t care for……

I can’t help but wonder….

I talked to him after I read that script…. And as soon as we started to talk I forgot about what I was reading…. But I guess this morning I am hit by the post mortem symptom…Sitting on the train, clutching my hand in my packet to keep the cold away. I felt a rush of blood in my head. And an anxiety feeling that I hadn’t felt for a long time…and a nagging worry of…what if?

What is even stranger is that…I can’t talk to anyone about this…. This is what happens when without realising it he becomes the person you talk to about everything and anything and he suddenly is playing the best friend’s role on the other end of the phone without acknowledging it…

I feel the fear that I have been trying to kick away for months coming back and I shiver….

In the wrestle between my mind and my heart I end up reaching a decision that I am going to park this in the back of my mind where I cache all the information that I never want to refer to but may come handy one day….

I just wish there was a delete button and I could hear the w*** of the empty recycle been command…. But too bad the brain doesn’t get rid of the clutter that easily…