16th Feb 2003
No War ….
It was a sea of people everywhere…
Once, there was a frog. He lived in a well – where he had been all his life. One day, he got a visit from another frog. “Where do you come from?” asked our friend. “Oh, I come from a lake, some distance from here.” “Really? How big is it?” “Oh, enormous.” “What? Bigger than this?” said the well frog as he stretched out his limbs. “Oh yes.” said the lake frog. “Bigger than this whole well.” “That’s impossible.” snapped the well frog. “Nothing is bigger than this.”
Before this weekend I was the well frog. But I learned a lesson never again to rule out a perfectly viable alternative just because it is beyond the realm of my experience so far.
I came out of Green Park station, and I was amazed with what I was seeing. I have never been interested in politics. In fact have always avoided it because in my experience that was the whole reason that we are where we are and we have been away from home for all these years. But this time it seemed different. My friends were talking about the Anti War March so passionately that I really wanted to see it by my own eyes. I have never thought about it, maybe a bit ignorant, but, was taken aback by the crowd and the harmony of all these people together with one precise and explicit message, Peace.
It will be very difficult to capture the extent of what I could see in words, it was just a sea of people everywhere, walking peacefully together. I started walking against the crowd at first; I wanted to feel the intensity by studying the faces. The first thing that caught my eye was a placard that had 3 words on it. ‘Love’, ‘Truth’, ‘Integrity’.
I went forward and ask the man with the placard if I could ask him a few questions, and he smiled welcomingly. He said he has come down from Exeter for the march. I thought it would be a silly question to ask why you are here, so instead I asked what are the 3 words suppose to tell us in respect to the current situation?. He said, it is about the people, we are here for the love of people, and we are here to support the truth. I interrupted him there and said ‘Truth? He said, ‘ Do you really think, this war is triggered because they say Iraq is making mass destruction weapons?’ he said that with such authority that I realised he is not looking for an answer so I let him carry on. “They meet in secret. They gather furtively in darkened rooms, their voices never rising above a whisper. These are the plotters and the planners. The scoundrel schemers who desire nothing so much as their benefits and others downfall. They know that the best way to unnerve people is to cast aspersions on their integrity. We pride ourselves on being principled. If they bait their hooks with a taunt that challenges this, they figure that we will fast lose all perspective. But we are here to show them otherwise “.
Well put I thought, rather strange but well put. I thanked him and let him carry on.
‘oil for blood’ , ‘stop the war’, ‘ down with imperialism’ and ‘this war is a class war’, where among other titles of the placards held with all sort of groups, communities and ages. I asked a 7 year old girl who was walking with her mother, wearing a ‘help the war children’s’ charity pull over, ‘Do you know why you are here?’ And she said: ‘Because I don’t like war, kids die in the war. They should be able to go to school instead! ‘. Very moving…I just smiled at her and thanked her dully.
Came across a few of our senior citizens walking together making sure they are not separated from the crowed. They came from Yorkshire one of them said. They said they are here because they think Tony Blair’s actions are against British people’s real interests, and that is not what the people want. He said war is not the solution. He had strong feelings about the state of terror in town because of the current situation of tanks and army near Heathrow. He said : “how come we don’t see soldiers in Rome, Berlin or Paris”. His wife said: “war would only trigger retaliation, it will create more chaos. People don’t want this; it is the politician’s game!, I am ashamed for Britain for what they are doing! “
I spotted a young girl giving out fliers labelled ‘Israeli Apartheid Policies’. I asked her why she is here? She said because they are killing people all around the world, how come they have suddenly seen Iraq as a threat. How come no one stops Israel from killing civilians every day, civilians who have the right to be on their own land’?
I joined a few friends who were taking a coffee break and decided to interview, H, I thought the fact that she is half German and Half Iranian could give me a diverse view from my fathers especially, as in the morning he gazed at me saying “you want Sadam to stay? Is that what you are going to support?” I could see why he was angry, he has lost far too much during the war, may be that blinded him from the complexity of the dilemma. Or may be he has too much anger!
H’s views were very much the same as everyone else I had talked to so far, both as a European citizen and as a mother she insisted, “War is not the solution”. And went on “The lies, deceits and the imposition of imperialism, make you think! May be we can’t do much about it, but we have the chance to show that we are against it. It is not just about the people it is about the future, liberty has the right to show. They are doing what the Nazi’s did in Germany, forcing their way. This is my first time taking part in a demonstration but the reason I am here this time is because I think enough is enough. It is about civil liberties, this is unprovoked and no real concise justification for it, what the American press has been saying for the past couple of months is outrageous and this is just going to result counter attacks. As a mother I see the future far too complicated and unsafe for today’s children, it is getting worst rather than making things better.”
A’s views were similar to his wife, the fact that leaders are hypocritical about their motives and morals. Although as an Iranian he wouldn’t like Sadam to be in power, but “isn’t it up to the people to make that decision”? was his question. “The American policy and the domino effect that Richard Perl talked about in his paper in the 90’s can clearly be seen here, they are creating Chaos, it is nothing to do with democracy”.
An Asian lawyer working in city of London said: ‘they have no clear evidence; no court would accept such absurd material. This is just going to create adverse reaction and in danger civilians’.
I got back in the crowed and watch the little groups of Arabs, Asians, Turkish, Kurdish, British, and students from different universities protest against the war. With funny posters of the world leaders, peace encouraging pictures and devastating pictures of war children and other civilians.
Some people seem to think they can win arguments just by shouting. Others reckon the trick is to use longer words. What they all forget is that nobody ever wins an argument. To enter into one is to lose. It’s that simple. If you want to win, don’t get into a position of conflict, for, where there’s constructive dialogue there is always the chance of real progress. Argument is childish. And I thought these people here are proving that by this walk, almost 1 million people in the streets of London, all in all and all in one. It wasn’t just about Muslims, or Arabs it was about the people. They didn’t vandalise, scream or resorted to violence, they simply walked and showed their unhappiness. Even if they are not the winners I bet they would feel content that they did what they could do.
I walked along to the park while Samy was still taking pictures, and one of my other Iranian friend’s was talking to me about the fact that if the issue is to stop Sadam from developing nuclear weapons, then why don’t we let the UN deal with that? Shouldn’t he be called on a war tribunal for what he did in Halabja in 1988? Isn’t it strange that how the IRA have suddenly stopped? Hasn’t Iraq got 14% of the world’s oil? Isn’t it enough to last America for years?
It’s funny how sometimes, big things can have no great influence on us but little things can make all the difference in the world. But then again, who can say, in the overall scheme of things, what’s really big and what’s really little? Something now has triggered a reaction in these people. And they seemed ready to act on an impulse that they have been trying to keep at bay for a while. In many ways, it seems as if the time is all wrong and the reason is not quite logical enough. But they feel what they feel. I cannot deny this, nor ignore it, nor even suppress it! And as I discovered, that’s a very big thing indeed.
Sometimes, the great roller-coaster ride of life takes us to a terrifying height. Sometimes, it sends us plunging into an apparent abyss at a breathtaking speed. And sometimes? It simply glides gently along smooth rails treating us to the most glorious views of passing scenery. I can’t quite say where I am now. I have been thinking about the people I met this weekend, people I talked to and the diversity of views. I realised they are all in the impression that the governments are not working on their best interest. It is the fact that certain people are dangerously deluded yet they are speaking with great authority – be careful not to trust their every… LOOK OUT, the gorilla is behind you!...These people are out here because they don’t trust those who they picked as leaders. The imminent invasion of Iraq is not just a war on the people there. Like all wars in capitalism’s imperialist epoch this war is part of the way the system reproduces itself. It is perhaps a way to create a sense of powerlessness.
“One man’s ceiling is another man’s floor.” Paul Simon didn’t coin this phrase when he wrote his famous song but he helped to emphasise the poetry in it. It’s just one of those statements that mean more each time you hear it and which ultimately sums up the whole of the entire human condition. Right now, it speaks volumes about our own condition. Is one man’s blood for another man’s oil? Is one man’s land for another man’s power?
Was this really an Anti war Protest? Wasn’t the opposition more evolved around Blair and Bush? I heard on the radio that Sadam has been quite happy to know the millions of people around the world walked against the war. I hate to think he took it so personal. Was it in his support? I think not! I rather think it was about Love, Truth and Integrity.
Thursday, March 06, 2003
Een niz begzarad……this will pass too!
I thought this was the most meaningful thing I have heard for a long time. A friend of mine suggested I should write this in large font and put it in my room...so every time I see it, it would remind me of life to be just a river of our thoughts and dreams and they will come and go, so today’s sorrows will simply will be tomorrows memories.
Perhaps something is ending - but only so that something else can begin!
Clock and watch manufacturers have a lot to answer for. They put buttons on their time pieces which allow us to turn back the hands or adjust the numbers on the digital readout. Consequently, they cause us to imagine we have power over the passage of time. This is a lovely thought but ultimately, a very counter-productive one. We need to be realistic. At some point we have to let bygones be bygones. And the good news? We will soon be very glad that those bygones have gone by. Ummm…is that really the case though?
It is never easy to let go. Even when we are tired of something – even when we have had enough of it. Even when we know that we can only benefit from going in a different direction, we tend to hang on to our problems. Rather than move to some new inspiring topic we continue to think about whatever has hurt or upset us. It is as if we fear the loss of something familiar. We feel we ought to remain in control of everything – at all times – even if this obliges us to remain in a state of suffering. We know deep down that this is now the time to put that something behind us and we shouldn't be afraid to kiss it goodbye. But I guess we have that fear of may be one day we will miss it!
Happy memories never leave us. We must take care though, not to live in the past, revelling so much in yesterday's triumphs that we fail to take proper care of today's needs. Last month's dinner, no matter how nourishing it may have been, will not fill us today. Last week's lie-in, no matter how long it lasted, will not stop us from feeling tired tonight. Sometimes we feel sure though, that the route to success must emulate the one we took last time. Not so.
I carried on going through the classifieds putting a circle around anything that looked remotely suitable to take as a temping position. Radio Farda is blurting out all these news about Bush talking to Russians on the phone and I am trying to somehow picture him in the oval office talking to the Russian president or whoever, making the same familiar faces we all laugh at when he is on CNN acting like he is playing a Scene in independence day, “we will not be defeated he cries”. For a moment I thought of my problem at hand and decided to quote him in my head…I would not be defeated. Seems like I have become a statistic…this is the third time today that I have heard the line…180 million people on earth are unemployed! Fantastic..!
The first month was fun, second month I did loads of shopping, 3rd month the excuse was, it is x-mass and things will look better in the new year…hey, here we are almost two months in the new year and I am done having fun, I want a job now. Getting redundant might be good for some but for me, I ran out of fun things to do after a couple of months and I really want a job…I don’t mind getting up at 6:30 any more and getting home late and having to face arrogant clients…I miss the underground in the rush hour. Really I do!…I miss the Metro’s daily ‘famous words from famous people’ or whatever it was called and most of all the Dilbert cartoon.
It is one thing to sit staring at the TV with a glazed expression. We all know what it feels like to be overwhelmed by the choice of channels because there is nothing worth watching on any of them. (Morning TV especially hasn’t been exactly my best past time for the past couple of months).We cannot though, allow our lives to echo this predicament. It is one thing to know what you want but without a shadow of a doubt, one highly worthwhile option lies buried among the many petty choices that one can make. But to see what this is, we must first decide whether we are ready to switch ourselves off from all that we have planned and now have been diverted from.
You know they always say "Be careful what you wish for. You may just get it. And then, where will you be?"
Sometimes, we enjoy the journey more than the arrival. We like complaining more than we like problem solving. We like wistfully dreaming of some better tomorrow, far more than we like dealing with the challenge that changes presents. Sometimes too, we come up with ideas that are far-fetched, expensive and too complicated. We believe in these so passionately that we cannot recognise a simpler solution, even when it is staring us in the face. And perhaps this time my so long pessimism is clouding my vision to see the bright side to this saga.
May be it is a good things that I don’t have a job, maybe it is time I get up and do the things I always wanted to do and never got a chance because I was so busy moving along my career that I almost forgot the years going by.
It is snowing again! Did it use to snow before in London? Was I to busy to see that?
I closed my eyes while listening to Brian Adams ‘Here I am’ and made a decision. I picked up the phone and called the Writers bureau. I thought, we are approaching the spring, every one says spring is the new beginning, so I let this pass and I plan to start afresh. Perhaps next time you get to read something I wrote, it will be much better written! Wink wink….!
I thought this was the most meaningful thing I have heard for a long time. A friend of mine suggested I should write this in large font and put it in my room...so every time I see it, it would remind me of life to be just a river of our thoughts and dreams and they will come and go, so today’s sorrows will simply will be tomorrows memories.
Perhaps something is ending - but only so that something else can begin!
Clock and watch manufacturers have a lot to answer for. They put buttons on their time pieces which allow us to turn back the hands or adjust the numbers on the digital readout. Consequently, they cause us to imagine we have power over the passage of time. This is a lovely thought but ultimately, a very counter-productive one. We need to be realistic. At some point we have to let bygones be bygones. And the good news? We will soon be very glad that those bygones have gone by. Ummm…is that really the case though?
It is never easy to let go. Even when we are tired of something – even when we have had enough of it. Even when we know that we can only benefit from going in a different direction, we tend to hang on to our problems. Rather than move to some new inspiring topic we continue to think about whatever has hurt or upset us. It is as if we fear the loss of something familiar. We feel we ought to remain in control of everything – at all times – even if this obliges us to remain in a state of suffering. We know deep down that this is now the time to put that something behind us and we shouldn't be afraid to kiss it goodbye. But I guess we have that fear of may be one day we will miss it!
Happy memories never leave us. We must take care though, not to live in the past, revelling so much in yesterday's triumphs that we fail to take proper care of today's needs. Last month's dinner, no matter how nourishing it may have been, will not fill us today. Last week's lie-in, no matter how long it lasted, will not stop us from feeling tired tonight. Sometimes we feel sure though, that the route to success must emulate the one we took last time. Not so.
I carried on going through the classifieds putting a circle around anything that looked remotely suitable to take as a temping position. Radio Farda is blurting out all these news about Bush talking to Russians on the phone and I am trying to somehow picture him in the oval office talking to the Russian president or whoever, making the same familiar faces we all laugh at when he is on CNN acting like he is playing a Scene in independence day, “we will not be defeated he cries”. For a moment I thought of my problem at hand and decided to quote him in my head…I would not be defeated. Seems like I have become a statistic…this is the third time today that I have heard the line…180 million people on earth are unemployed! Fantastic..!
The first month was fun, second month I did loads of shopping, 3rd month the excuse was, it is x-mass and things will look better in the new year…hey, here we are almost two months in the new year and I am done having fun, I want a job now. Getting redundant might be good for some but for me, I ran out of fun things to do after a couple of months and I really want a job…I don’t mind getting up at 6:30 any more and getting home late and having to face arrogant clients…I miss the underground in the rush hour. Really I do!…I miss the Metro’s daily ‘famous words from famous people’ or whatever it was called and most of all the Dilbert cartoon.
It is one thing to sit staring at the TV with a glazed expression. We all know what it feels like to be overwhelmed by the choice of channels because there is nothing worth watching on any of them. (Morning TV especially hasn’t been exactly my best past time for the past couple of months).We cannot though, allow our lives to echo this predicament. It is one thing to know what you want but without a shadow of a doubt, one highly worthwhile option lies buried among the many petty choices that one can make. But to see what this is, we must first decide whether we are ready to switch ourselves off from all that we have planned and now have been diverted from.
You know they always say "Be careful what you wish for. You may just get it. And then, where will you be?"
Sometimes, we enjoy the journey more than the arrival. We like complaining more than we like problem solving. We like wistfully dreaming of some better tomorrow, far more than we like dealing with the challenge that changes presents. Sometimes too, we come up with ideas that are far-fetched, expensive and too complicated. We believe in these so passionately that we cannot recognise a simpler solution, even when it is staring us in the face. And perhaps this time my so long pessimism is clouding my vision to see the bright side to this saga.
May be it is a good things that I don’t have a job, maybe it is time I get up and do the things I always wanted to do and never got a chance because I was so busy moving along my career that I almost forgot the years going by.
It is snowing again! Did it use to snow before in London? Was I to busy to see that?
I closed my eyes while listening to Brian Adams ‘Here I am’ and made a decision. I picked up the phone and called the Writers bureau. I thought, we are approaching the spring, every one says spring is the new beginning, so I let this pass and I plan to start afresh. Perhaps next time you get to read something I wrote, it will be much better written! Wink wink….!
29 Nov 02
There is always something!
Is it true that, “You always hurt the one you love?” That explains everything. No wonder we have been taught that you should “love your enemy.” And, as we are all but powerless to inflict harm on the people we dislike, we should surely learn to loathe our loved ones. Then, we can never cause them pain. Er... that’s logical isn’t it? Have you ever find it hard to be close to a particular person. The emotional intensity of a tricky situation makes you feel inclined to walk away. But, there is a drawback to drawing back. And anyway, can you?!
A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. A sack full though, makes it come right back up again. Or else it brings the onset of diabetes! We have to be careful with sweeteners. They may attract us, but they also distract us from important realities. They make it all too easy for us to believe what we want to believe until, that is, the sugar coating wears off. Then, we can be left with a taste that is all the more bitter for the contrast. Do we need to try and train our palate to savour the true flavour of a certain situation? It is not exactly sweet but is it as sour as we fear?
Some of us love to have problems. We like having something to complain about and blame our unhappiness on. We fear that if we didn’t have a difficulty, there would have be no explanation for our melancholy mood. And then we really would have a problem! This doesn’t suggest that our problems are necessarily self creating nor would I dream of implying a slight tendency towards exaggeration but if we just care to look out, there is always going to be something. Always. And there is always going to be someone. Always. Almost always the someone and the something will be closely connected. Either the someone will have caused the something or they will have been charged with the job of clearing it up. Or both. Too often for comfort, we find ourselves sorting out trouble of our own creation. But why bother? Is it the love thing?
The things we do for love! We go to great lengths, we put ourselves in positions that we would never accept under normal circumstances. If we ever regret this for a moment, we open frightening floodgates. We allow a torrent of self-criticism to come rushing into our lives. We start to be drowning in a rising river of doubt. We question what we already have done. And fear the future. And look for a reason to feel confident.
Have you ever tried to create a total blackout? It takes a lot of doing. You need a heavy curtain for every window - taped into place so that light cannot leak in from the sides. Unless it is dark outside, you will find it surprisingly difficult to eradicate all illumination. At first, you will think you have done it. But as your eyes become more sensitive, you will start to notice more and more chinks in the defence. Hard though it is to shut out light, it is ten times harder to shut out hope - and impossible to keep it out forever. We need something to help us to see a bright shaft of inspiration. But where? What?
It is said that our anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strengths. Ok, I take your word for this , or whoever who said this, but can someone tell me how to get rid of this? How to escape the doubt? How to skip the black out scene and where to see the light?
Is this the courtesy of comparison? Should we not look at what anyone else is thinking, feeling, saying or doing!? Shall we look only at what’s in our heart? Then, we will be happy indeed?
I used to believe the theory of comparison, no matter what you have, as long as you are happy with what you have then you have it all. But what are the rules? How do we define happy? Are we ever content for what we have? Or as human beings we always urge for more and want what we don’t have or we can’t have?
Isn’t love supposed to bring you happiness? Isn’t it supposed to fulfil all your needs and help you become one with your soul and what/who you love? But why is it so painful? Why does it ache so badly that even with the strongest blackouts, and no matter where you run, it haunts you and presses your heart so hard?
Shouldn’t we as rational species, believe that if we can’t have something we should just move on? So why it is that it hurts more when you are near something you want and you can’t have? Why can’t you just simply reach out and take it? Are we made for creating complications? Making complexities and fear the reality that if we take the risk we might actually feel happy? Life’s truly problematic puzzles involve issues of unquantifiable emotion or impossible paradox. Questions like, “how do you really feel?” Or, “If, right now, you could go back in time and change the past, would you still want to go back in time and change the past ?”
I guess I for one would never know the answer to that. My curtain has been pulled so tight that the last shed of light just disappeared with the denial of love couldn’t possibly exist in the same road of happiness.
I close my eyes and try to skip the dilemma for today and decide I will take care of that problem tomorrow. Or, to put it all another way, some things are best not thought about.
There is always something!
Is it true that, “You always hurt the one you love?” That explains everything. No wonder we have been taught that you should “love your enemy.” And, as we are all but powerless to inflict harm on the people we dislike, we should surely learn to loathe our loved ones. Then, we can never cause them pain. Er... that’s logical isn’t it? Have you ever find it hard to be close to a particular person. The emotional intensity of a tricky situation makes you feel inclined to walk away. But, there is a drawback to drawing back. And anyway, can you?!
A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. A sack full though, makes it come right back up again. Or else it brings the onset of diabetes! We have to be careful with sweeteners. They may attract us, but they also distract us from important realities. They make it all too easy for us to believe what we want to believe until, that is, the sugar coating wears off. Then, we can be left with a taste that is all the more bitter for the contrast. Do we need to try and train our palate to savour the true flavour of a certain situation? It is not exactly sweet but is it as sour as we fear?
Some of us love to have problems. We like having something to complain about and blame our unhappiness on. We fear that if we didn’t have a difficulty, there would have be no explanation for our melancholy mood. And then we really would have a problem! This doesn’t suggest that our problems are necessarily self creating nor would I dream of implying a slight tendency towards exaggeration but if we just care to look out, there is always going to be something. Always. And there is always going to be someone. Always. Almost always the someone and the something will be closely connected. Either the someone will have caused the something or they will have been charged with the job of clearing it up. Or both. Too often for comfort, we find ourselves sorting out trouble of our own creation. But why bother? Is it the love thing?
The things we do for love! We go to great lengths, we put ourselves in positions that we would never accept under normal circumstances. If we ever regret this for a moment, we open frightening floodgates. We allow a torrent of self-criticism to come rushing into our lives. We start to be drowning in a rising river of doubt. We question what we already have done. And fear the future. And look for a reason to feel confident.
Have you ever tried to create a total blackout? It takes a lot of doing. You need a heavy curtain for every window - taped into place so that light cannot leak in from the sides. Unless it is dark outside, you will find it surprisingly difficult to eradicate all illumination. At first, you will think you have done it. But as your eyes become more sensitive, you will start to notice more and more chinks in the defence. Hard though it is to shut out light, it is ten times harder to shut out hope - and impossible to keep it out forever. We need something to help us to see a bright shaft of inspiration. But where? What?
It is said that our anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strengths. Ok, I take your word for this , or whoever who said this, but can someone tell me how to get rid of this? How to escape the doubt? How to skip the black out scene and where to see the light?
Is this the courtesy of comparison? Should we not look at what anyone else is thinking, feeling, saying or doing!? Shall we look only at what’s in our heart? Then, we will be happy indeed?
I used to believe the theory of comparison, no matter what you have, as long as you are happy with what you have then you have it all. But what are the rules? How do we define happy? Are we ever content for what we have? Or as human beings we always urge for more and want what we don’t have or we can’t have?
Isn’t love supposed to bring you happiness? Isn’t it supposed to fulfil all your needs and help you become one with your soul and what/who you love? But why is it so painful? Why does it ache so badly that even with the strongest blackouts, and no matter where you run, it haunts you and presses your heart so hard?
Shouldn’t we as rational species, believe that if we can’t have something we should just move on? So why it is that it hurts more when you are near something you want and you can’t have? Why can’t you just simply reach out and take it? Are we made for creating complications? Making complexities and fear the reality that if we take the risk we might actually feel happy? Life’s truly problematic puzzles involve issues of unquantifiable emotion or impossible paradox. Questions like, “how do you really feel?” Or, “If, right now, you could go back in time and change the past, would you still want to go back in time and change the past ?”
I guess I for one would never know the answer to that. My curtain has been pulled so tight that the last shed of light just disappeared with the denial of love couldn’t possibly exist in the same road of happiness.
I close my eyes and try to skip the dilemma for today and decide I will take care of that problem tomorrow. Or, to put it all another way, some things are best not thought about.
25th of October
Is life a fairy tale?
Dream, when you're feeling blue
Dream, that's the thing to do
Some things are truly beyond belief. We watch them happen with a mixture of awe and amazement. We re-run the tape in our mind, hoping to make sense of what we have seen. Yet though the filing cabinet of the brain can easily digest and store the familiar, it has great difficulty with the unknown. If it doesn’t recognise something, it strives to compare it to the nearest similar thing – and in the process it often makes big mistakes. And we normally think we know what it is that we don’t know but then we get delightfully surprised.
Today was certainly one of those days. I spend the whole day with my mum and my best friend A. I have to say it was rather nice, as I don’t often get to do that. Due to work pressure and all other things that happened around me which is life really, while I am busy making other plans! (I bet u have heard that one before!). Anyway, sunny October day, we go for a little walk, we have lunch, we go and pamper ourselves and get surprisingly cheap but rather good manicures and all that stuff girlies do when they have a day off. You must be thinking what the heck I am going to complain about then!!? Well give me a break here…I have just started!
Oh well… have you ever thought how different things might have been. If only I had done this, instead of that. What if I could have done X instead of Y? Etc.
I do! Sometimes…well ok…most of the time!! And today I was being punished for all that I have and haven’t done…I was even being told off for my own private thoughts…It is nice to have a friend who can read your mind but it is freaky when she gets together with your mum and they gang up on you and every little fragment of your mind is being analysed and every voice in your head seems like you have been thinking out laud!!
“How much such torture do you want to put yourself through?” A says with a concerned voice.
There is, of course, nothing to stop me from making myself miserable with such thoughts. But they (Mum and A) think their sole job, is to stress there is no need – and no point. They core idea is that I do not yet know enough about what is really going on in a key situation. The more I find out, the less inclined I will be to regret anything.
Then they swiftly move on and get to the main point they both have been waiting to get to…the real subject…the big thing….the sole fact of me being of course Single!!! ‘Still’..I like to insist on that word as my beloved mother kept saying it repetitively!!!
This is where I switched off and went into wishing there were something to save me from this. But there isn’t much you can do while you are getting your legs waxed and your mum, your friend and now the lovely beautician has joined them too!!! Faster than a speeding bullet? Able to leap tall buildings at a single bound? Not bloody likely. There are, it would appear, no super-heroes left in my vicinity. They have all gone into semi-retirement; taken up knitting. If the world needs to be saved, it had better look elsewhere. So no one to save me from this mess!
Well, normally I loose a switch and blow up. But perhaps this time my-inner caped crusader had enough strength for one last battle. For, despite myself, I now seemed to be very calm and even tried to force a smile, Despite the fact that I was being accused of being too fussy…too choosy…still living in the past…not giving any one a chance…being rude and selfish…being attracted to losers, bastards, mummies boys, egomaniacs and egotistical men…and living a dream waiting for prince charming!!
That last one did it really!! What is wrong with that? ‘I can live in a dream knowing that it would happen only when I am sleep and therefore no risk of ever getting hurt again!!!’ Jackpot!!! They all looked at me blankly…as if everything they just said was to a brick wall! (badeh hava!). In the case of my presumptuous friend and mother against silly woman around the world...the verdicts is in...Guilty as charge! Fine now that we all know I am an idiot lets just get on with it!
When I get some piece and quiet and it seemed that they have some how moved to another subject therefore leaving me in my world of fairytales, I closed my eyes and had a visit to my own Lapland!
Happy-ever-afters happen in fairytales. Is life a fairytale? Well, there's certainly a mythical aspect to every journey, even a quick trip to the local supermarket, if we care to sit down and envisage it. Maybe we should see ourselves as an adventurer on some brave quest. Think of our problems as challenges our enemies as dragons, our supporters as wizards and witches who can imbue us with magical powers. Now, are we going to emerge triumphant or defeated? Triumphant, of course. You'll see.
I planned to have a quiet evening in, after my very busy day as you could see! but no!…there are friend duties to be done!…so a trip to Tesco’s (our local super market…the Londoners among you would know!) is a must. And of course my effort to convince A to shop in Sainsbury’s that is right here failed. She has this loyalty thing with Tesco’s that beats me!! So Tesco’s here we come. I am not only going all the way around my head...I am actually going to a supermarket, that is quiet rare…living at home with Mum and Dad I normally only get the odd ‘ buy some milk’ request and the rest falls in Dad’s well assigned task list.
So here I am in Tesco’s, one of those huge, 24 hour ones, and me being me, almost getting lost, am glued to A among all sort of Aisles while she is looking for ‘Loobia Sefid’ as she is attempting to entertain us with Ash on Saturday. I look pretty hacked off and just want to be in my jammies by the fire, by the time we get to the toilet rolls and the tissue aisle. So I am looking around trying to think how did I get myself into this, that suddenly I freeze!!! Oh my god.!! I stop for a second and the subject of my shock does the same!!! We both look at each other completely mesmerised (well I was…I don’t know about him!), thinking I know him from some where and I can feel a shiver in my body…good lord…what is happening!!? I think he thought the same thing…I know her from some where, without the shivering part of course...because we both smiled and I felt like a fifteen year old, all shy and coy and could feel the rush of my entire bodies blood in my face…so I turn the other way, enter the pampers aisle, hit the whole tower of them and have to catch myself saying ‘oh I am so sorry…oh I wasn’t looking at where I am going!’ to this old lady!! What is she doing in Pampers anyway!!!
I am now excited about being in Tesco, in fact I don’t want to leave!!! I remember where I know him from, a little encounter almost a year ago!! That is what I did last year when I saw him too…smiled, panicked and ran!!! Maybe not exactly in that order!!! I am such an idiot!!!
I find A, somewhere in the soft drinks and try to tell her without taking a breath while she kept saying who? The guy in Ireland?( she looks puzzled now!) What guy? Which one? Have you gone out of your mind? Stop and take a breath woman!!
Ok...I bet that at least 80% of you have now voted me, crazy, loner, nutter or something on those lines.
Don’t get too excited, in my little lost and busy world of work, studies and trying to forget about life and all its ups and downs, I was dragged by my friends to go and watch the world cup match in Ireland…YES…the one that Iran played against Ireland!! And this is where I saw Mr.Tesco, and like today had no courage of talking to and all I did was silly little smiles and of course got the same in return!!! And then we got on different flights and all I knew was both flights go to London. So he must live in London and end of story. Actually that is not entirely true! We stayed at the same hotel! I know that because the first time I saw him, he was sitting on his own in the lobby having a drink…this is 3 o’clock in the morning, and I have just arrived with my brother and his friends, feeling very jolly! (That is what a couple of ‘Black Russians’ and god knows how many Martinis does to you…you are jolly even despite the fact that your team lost!)… And can’t stop giggling. I look at him thinking that ...oh he is Iranian too! And umm he is kind of cute…I even had a little game of the hide and seek and more giggles from the third floor stairway! And in the morning when we were all checking out, guess who walks into reception to check out too...I pull my baseball hat right in front of my eyes as I vaguely remember what a prick I have been! Hoping that he hadn’t notice and most of all doesn’t remember me! (I don’t do well with embarrassments…and am not use to making a fool of myself very often…so this was definitely a first…Honest!!…well may be second!!)
I decide I am going to be very graceful and ‘khanoom’ as my dad would put it and just get on that bloody flight home!!! We are in the airport…so are our national football team and everyone is there to take pictures, sign shirts and it is quite nice to have all those people around and oh my god there he is again!!! And that smile …what the heck is going on with my heart…does it always beat like this!!! Is he talking to me….oh my god….he is…say something …stop staring..it is rude...say something! ‘Do you mind taking a picture of us’ he says, holding his camera towards me, pointing at his friends, Karimi, Daee and mahdavikia and some others I can’t remember!!! I smile coldly and take the camera and take the picture and think this is not gonna come out right…I think I zoomed only on him!!!
Oh my god… he is talking to me again…when I get back to my own calm self, I can go back in my memory and remember that we actually had a conversation!! Ok …ok…rewinding the tape in my head over and over again, I recall I know his name and he knows mine…is that it!!!? I can see him walking off and I am thinking …shit...I have to do something about this…but hey…being me...I watch him walk off!! And get on a different flight!!
And tonight standing in the check out, and smiling shyly and coyly again, watching him paying for his shopping and walking off with a girl I had a flash back of that moment…when he walked off and I only knew his name!!!
I had thought about him for a while when I came back, as you often do. We all need something to occupy our minds with and what better than a fantasy of something impossible. But then again the thoughts fade away when you keep giving yourself red cards and shout…Reality check!!! I never thought I would see him again!
We came out of the supermarket and A is laughing at me, because I was just standing there…frozen…not helping her with the bags…I heard her say ‘ Khabi ya bidar…amoo yadegar’!! So I snap out of it, grab a couple of bags and turn towards the car, when I notice he is coming towards us!!! Well not us...the parking ticket machine perhaps…..and I hear myself say : ‘Do I know you from some where?’ OH God…it is that heart beat again…I am having a fit!! Why couldn’t I just shut up!!! The fact that A has now walked off and is heading towards the car and left me on my own is adding to the pain ( …and she calls herself my best friend! ..a voice in my head says…What happened to moral support…and stopping me from doing something stupid…like bloody opening my mouth!) … He smiles and says…’ya I was thinking the same!!’ And there is my Icebreaker…!!
I have often noticed this signs ...“The impossible, we can do at once. Miracles take a little longer.” Signs like this adorn the walls of business premises the world over. Usually, they are displayed alongside other humorous announcements such as “Please don’t ask for credit because a smack in the mouth often offends.” In one way, this is a little unfortunate. It leads to the impression that miracles might NOT actually be feasible – and the impossible is NOT attainable. Yet true magic can and does happen – usually, just when we are not expecting it.
I can say that with 100% certainty. Because that is what happened today! I needed something exceptional and wonderful to occur. And it did.
What? Are you asking what next? Nothing...what do you think happened...I am a prick…you should know me by now …(yes he did recognise me...well I think he did...he asked how my brother is doing!! That should count for something...right? ) …after a little small talk of:
Mr Tesco: ‘what are you doing here?’
Miss brainless: …duh what does it look like? …‘shopping for a dinner thing at my friends!’ with a smile. Heart trembling across the floor by now…
Mr. Tesco : ‘Do you live around here?
Miss brainless: ‘No’…stupid girl….
Mr.Tesco: ‘?’ puzzled face…oh he is waiting for an explanation…
Miss brainless: ‘oh..my friend is…it is her shopping ritual for Ash!’
And……blah blah…
And NO I didn’t get his number…and no he didn’t seem interested…and yes I am an idiot, because I walked off and said ‘oh well see you around’…but hey...give me a break...I proved a point!! So miracles happen. It can. It will. Dreams can come through…may be not exactly the way you want them…but that is a start…right? I can now stand up and tell Mum and A, that I am happy in my little fantasy world of dreams…good things happen there…I don’t have time to deal with the disappointment today, I am too busy. I will deal with them tomorrow! And I can boldly say ‘Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.’ So I take my chances when I feel right!!!
As Jonny mercer sings:
Dream, when you're feeling blue
Dream, that's the thing to do
Just watch the smoke rings in the air
You'll find your share of memories there
So dream when the day is through
Dream, and they might come true
Things are never as bad as they seem
So dream, dream, dream
Is life a fairy tale?
Dream, when you're feeling blue
Dream, that's the thing to do
Some things are truly beyond belief. We watch them happen with a mixture of awe and amazement. We re-run the tape in our mind, hoping to make sense of what we have seen. Yet though the filing cabinet of the brain can easily digest and store the familiar, it has great difficulty with the unknown. If it doesn’t recognise something, it strives to compare it to the nearest similar thing – and in the process it often makes big mistakes. And we normally think we know what it is that we don’t know but then we get delightfully surprised.
Today was certainly one of those days. I spend the whole day with my mum and my best friend A. I have to say it was rather nice, as I don’t often get to do that. Due to work pressure and all other things that happened around me which is life really, while I am busy making other plans! (I bet u have heard that one before!). Anyway, sunny October day, we go for a little walk, we have lunch, we go and pamper ourselves and get surprisingly cheap but rather good manicures and all that stuff girlies do when they have a day off. You must be thinking what the heck I am going to complain about then!!? Well give me a break here…I have just started!
Oh well… have you ever thought how different things might have been. If only I had done this, instead of that. What if I could have done X instead of Y? Etc.
I do! Sometimes…well ok…most of the time!! And today I was being punished for all that I have and haven’t done…I was even being told off for my own private thoughts…It is nice to have a friend who can read your mind but it is freaky when she gets together with your mum and they gang up on you and every little fragment of your mind is being analysed and every voice in your head seems like you have been thinking out laud!!
“How much such torture do you want to put yourself through?” A says with a concerned voice.
There is, of course, nothing to stop me from making myself miserable with such thoughts. But they (Mum and A) think their sole job, is to stress there is no need – and no point. They core idea is that I do not yet know enough about what is really going on in a key situation. The more I find out, the less inclined I will be to regret anything.
Then they swiftly move on and get to the main point they both have been waiting to get to…the real subject…the big thing….the sole fact of me being of course Single!!! ‘Still’..I like to insist on that word as my beloved mother kept saying it repetitively!!!
This is where I switched off and went into wishing there were something to save me from this. But there isn’t much you can do while you are getting your legs waxed and your mum, your friend and now the lovely beautician has joined them too!!! Faster than a speeding bullet? Able to leap tall buildings at a single bound? Not bloody likely. There are, it would appear, no super-heroes left in my vicinity. They have all gone into semi-retirement; taken up knitting. If the world needs to be saved, it had better look elsewhere. So no one to save me from this mess!
Well, normally I loose a switch and blow up. But perhaps this time my-inner caped crusader had enough strength for one last battle. For, despite myself, I now seemed to be very calm and even tried to force a smile, Despite the fact that I was being accused of being too fussy…too choosy…still living in the past…not giving any one a chance…being rude and selfish…being attracted to losers, bastards, mummies boys, egomaniacs and egotistical men…and living a dream waiting for prince charming!!
That last one did it really!! What is wrong with that? ‘I can live in a dream knowing that it would happen only when I am sleep and therefore no risk of ever getting hurt again!!!’ Jackpot!!! They all looked at me blankly…as if everything they just said was to a brick wall! (badeh hava!). In the case of my presumptuous friend and mother against silly woman around the world...the verdicts is in...Guilty as charge! Fine now that we all know I am an idiot lets just get on with it!
When I get some piece and quiet and it seemed that they have some how moved to another subject therefore leaving me in my world of fairytales, I closed my eyes and had a visit to my own Lapland!
Happy-ever-afters happen in fairytales. Is life a fairytale? Well, there's certainly a mythical aspect to every journey, even a quick trip to the local supermarket, if we care to sit down and envisage it. Maybe we should see ourselves as an adventurer on some brave quest. Think of our problems as challenges our enemies as dragons, our supporters as wizards and witches who can imbue us with magical powers. Now, are we going to emerge triumphant or defeated? Triumphant, of course. You'll see.
I planned to have a quiet evening in, after my very busy day as you could see! but no!…there are friend duties to be done!…so a trip to Tesco’s (our local super market…the Londoners among you would know!) is a must. And of course my effort to convince A to shop in Sainsbury’s that is right here failed. She has this loyalty thing with Tesco’s that beats me!! So Tesco’s here we come. I am not only going all the way around my head...I am actually going to a supermarket, that is quiet rare…living at home with Mum and Dad I normally only get the odd ‘ buy some milk’ request and the rest falls in Dad’s well assigned task list.
So here I am in Tesco’s, one of those huge, 24 hour ones, and me being me, almost getting lost, am glued to A among all sort of Aisles while she is looking for ‘Loobia Sefid’ as she is attempting to entertain us with Ash on Saturday. I look pretty hacked off and just want to be in my jammies by the fire, by the time we get to the toilet rolls and the tissue aisle. So I am looking around trying to think how did I get myself into this, that suddenly I freeze!!! Oh my god.!! I stop for a second and the subject of my shock does the same!!! We both look at each other completely mesmerised (well I was…I don’t know about him!), thinking I know him from some where and I can feel a shiver in my body…good lord…what is happening!!? I think he thought the same thing…I know her from some where, without the shivering part of course...because we both smiled and I felt like a fifteen year old, all shy and coy and could feel the rush of my entire bodies blood in my face…so I turn the other way, enter the pampers aisle, hit the whole tower of them and have to catch myself saying ‘oh I am so sorry…oh I wasn’t looking at where I am going!’ to this old lady!! What is she doing in Pampers anyway!!!
I am now excited about being in Tesco, in fact I don’t want to leave!!! I remember where I know him from, a little encounter almost a year ago!! That is what I did last year when I saw him too…smiled, panicked and ran!!! Maybe not exactly in that order!!! I am such an idiot!!!
I find A, somewhere in the soft drinks and try to tell her without taking a breath while she kept saying who? The guy in Ireland?( she looks puzzled now!) What guy? Which one? Have you gone out of your mind? Stop and take a breath woman!!
Ok...I bet that at least 80% of you have now voted me, crazy, loner, nutter or something on those lines.
Don’t get too excited, in my little lost and busy world of work, studies and trying to forget about life and all its ups and downs, I was dragged by my friends to go and watch the world cup match in Ireland…YES…the one that Iran played against Ireland!! And this is where I saw Mr.Tesco, and like today had no courage of talking to and all I did was silly little smiles and of course got the same in return!!! And then we got on different flights and all I knew was both flights go to London. So he must live in London and end of story. Actually that is not entirely true! We stayed at the same hotel! I know that because the first time I saw him, he was sitting on his own in the lobby having a drink…this is 3 o’clock in the morning, and I have just arrived with my brother and his friends, feeling very jolly! (That is what a couple of ‘Black Russians’ and god knows how many Martinis does to you…you are jolly even despite the fact that your team lost!)… And can’t stop giggling. I look at him thinking that ...oh he is Iranian too! And umm he is kind of cute…I even had a little game of the hide and seek and more giggles from the third floor stairway! And in the morning when we were all checking out, guess who walks into reception to check out too...I pull my baseball hat right in front of my eyes as I vaguely remember what a prick I have been! Hoping that he hadn’t notice and most of all doesn’t remember me! (I don’t do well with embarrassments…and am not use to making a fool of myself very often…so this was definitely a first…Honest!!…well may be second!!)
I decide I am going to be very graceful and ‘khanoom’ as my dad would put it and just get on that bloody flight home!!! We are in the airport…so are our national football team and everyone is there to take pictures, sign shirts and it is quite nice to have all those people around and oh my god there he is again!!! And that smile …what the heck is going on with my heart…does it always beat like this!!! Is he talking to me….oh my god….he is…say something …stop staring..it is rude...say something! ‘Do you mind taking a picture of us’ he says, holding his camera towards me, pointing at his friends, Karimi, Daee and mahdavikia and some others I can’t remember!!! I smile coldly and take the camera and take the picture and think this is not gonna come out right…I think I zoomed only on him!!!
Oh my god… he is talking to me again…when I get back to my own calm self, I can go back in my memory and remember that we actually had a conversation!! Ok …ok…rewinding the tape in my head over and over again, I recall I know his name and he knows mine…is that it!!!? I can see him walking off and I am thinking …shit...I have to do something about this…but hey…being me...I watch him walk off!! And get on a different flight!!
And tonight standing in the check out, and smiling shyly and coyly again, watching him paying for his shopping and walking off with a girl I had a flash back of that moment…when he walked off and I only knew his name!!!
I had thought about him for a while when I came back, as you often do. We all need something to occupy our minds with and what better than a fantasy of something impossible. But then again the thoughts fade away when you keep giving yourself red cards and shout…Reality check!!! I never thought I would see him again!
We came out of the supermarket and A is laughing at me, because I was just standing there…frozen…not helping her with the bags…I heard her say ‘ Khabi ya bidar…amoo yadegar’!! So I snap out of it, grab a couple of bags and turn towards the car, when I notice he is coming towards us!!! Well not us...the parking ticket machine perhaps…..and I hear myself say : ‘Do I know you from some where?’ OH God…it is that heart beat again…I am having a fit!! Why couldn’t I just shut up!!! The fact that A has now walked off and is heading towards the car and left me on my own is adding to the pain ( …and she calls herself my best friend! ..a voice in my head says…What happened to moral support…and stopping me from doing something stupid…like bloody opening my mouth!) … He smiles and says…’ya I was thinking the same!!’ And there is my Icebreaker…!!
I have often noticed this signs ...“The impossible, we can do at once. Miracles take a little longer.” Signs like this adorn the walls of business premises the world over. Usually, they are displayed alongside other humorous announcements such as “Please don’t ask for credit because a smack in the mouth often offends.” In one way, this is a little unfortunate. It leads to the impression that miracles might NOT actually be feasible – and the impossible is NOT attainable. Yet true magic can and does happen – usually, just when we are not expecting it.
I can say that with 100% certainty. Because that is what happened today! I needed something exceptional and wonderful to occur. And it did.
What? Are you asking what next? Nothing...what do you think happened...I am a prick…you should know me by now …(yes he did recognise me...well I think he did...he asked how my brother is doing!! That should count for something...right? ) …after a little small talk of:
Mr Tesco: ‘what are you doing here?’
Miss brainless: …duh what does it look like? …‘shopping for a dinner thing at my friends!’ with a smile. Heart trembling across the floor by now…
Mr. Tesco : ‘Do you live around here?
Miss brainless: ‘No’…stupid girl….
Mr.Tesco: ‘?’ puzzled face…oh he is waiting for an explanation…
Miss brainless: ‘oh..my friend is…it is her shopping ritual for Ash!’
And……blah blah…
And NO I didn’t get his number…and no he didn’t seem interested…and yes I am an idiot, because I walked off and said ‘oh well see you around’…but hey...give me a break...I proved a point!! So miracles happen. It can. It will. Dreams can come through…may be not exactly the way you want them…but that is a start…right? I can now stand up and tell Mum and A, that I am happy in my little fantasy world of dreams…good things happen there…I don’t have time to deal with the disappointment today, I am too busy. I will deal with them tomorrow! And I can boldly say ‘Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.’ So I take my chances when I feel right!!!
As Jonny mercer sings:
Dream, when you're feeling blue
Dream, that's the thing to do
Just watch the smoke rings in the air
You'll find your share of memories there
So dream when the day is through
Dream, and they might come true
Things are never as bad as they seem
So dream, dream, dream
October 16, 2002
Belonging in Toronto
I was mesmerized by how close the Iranian community in Canada is
I felt a strange mixed emotion when the plain landed at Toronto's Pearson airport. I must say I had quite an interesting journey, apart from the hundreds of babies on the plane that took turns performing Beethoven symphonies. But all in all there was not much to complain about. Much like being in Autobus-e Shamsolemareh!
Having decided out of the blue that I needed a holiday and putting every effort in getting out of London even if it was just for a week, I managed to pull a few strings and get my holiday authorized from work. Deadline or no deadline I couldn't take it anymore.
Often at this time of the year, around full moon, I become overwhelmed with the urge to pack up my belongings in a red-spotted handkerchief, tie them to the end of a stick and walk off into the distance. Instead I am on a plane and I did pack a suitcase -- much more civilized than a handkerchief and my Nan Barbari and Panir Tabriz!
Can't understand where I got this craving from? It started all very nicely, even got compliments from the lady next to me. After a few minutes of talking to me she said, "How did your mother let you travel alone?" What did she mean? Having felt quite sensitive about my age since my last birthday, I felt a tingly feeling in my stomach and smiled.
"How old do you think I am?" I said with a fixed smile.
"Oh...17, 18."
Was I hearing right? I wanted to kiss her. For the love of god, good woman. Can I hire you as my ego booster? I couldn't stop smiling for the rest of the flight.
Being a Londoner, it is rather strange to see the person in the next seat talking to us, whether on a bus, train, or plane. So I was not only amused by this Indian-Canadian couple's friendliness but also loved them to pieces for having thought I am somewhat 10 years younger than I already am. I even got invited to a BBQ at their house next weekend in the suburbs of Toronto, which I duly accepted.
I tried to read for a while or at least get some sleep but I had all these strange thoughts playing ball in my head. You must have noticed most airlines have an interesting seating arrangement on their planes. They number the rows, but when they get to 12 they skip straight on to 14. Too many passengers (including me of course), feel nervous about sitting in the 13th row. Just the thought of being away from home on Friday the 13th was giving me jitters.
This begs an interesting question. Can we really keep the forces of fate and fortune at bay just by renumbering and renaming? What is it about 13 that gets to us? I know people who refuse to leave work at 5:13 and rather wait another couple of minutes, miss their train and wait half an hour for another. What is all that about?
Perhaps I should take a detour via the pet shop. Buy my own black cat and train it to walk under my feet wherever I go. This will provide permanent protection from all future Friday the Thirteenths.
It's strange really. We live in a supposedly sophisticated world, yet we are gripped by illogical fears and fantasies. Our ideas may be intelligent but our beliefs have changed little since the Stone Age. We seem blinded to see the wonderful new way to look at a tired situation. And we are too biased to see it. My thoughts -- and more importantly advanced plans -- were interrupted by the pilot's announcement on how hot it is in Toronto (30 degrees!) and we will be there in 15 minutes? Woohoo!
The immigration officer welcomed me very sweetly even after having seen my luxurious Iranian passport, which baffled me even more. Having traveled around Europe, one gets used to funny looks and reading the thoughts of the immigration officers that "she must be a spy" as my passport photo is rather scary. I was greeted by my best friend who has recently moved to Canada, and a friend I met last year on my trip to Vancouver. First impression of Toronto was "I like Vancouver better, but hiss.... don't tell anyone."
We had a picnic planned at a Niagara Falls. When I say picnic I mean we packed cheese and Vodka! You can imagine by the time we parked in the little town of Niagara, I could see stars around my head. Quite expected from drinking straight vodka out of a bottle! And not to mention I was still jetlagged. The scenery was beautiful. It's a breathtaking view that makes you think, "Is this all a figment of my imagination? Is this the right page I'm looking at?"
We seem to have a tendency to only see the things we want to see and shut out the rest of the world, but here you see the depth of creativity and power, and you ask yourself how and why? There was a potent diabolical archetype lurking inside us all, I thought as I noticed the conversation among people was roaming on god, religion and who believes in what.
It certainly was an experience just exploring, not to mention the casino and other entertainment centers in town. The bunch of people I was with were a mixture of my friends, their friends and friends of the friends. And it was certainly an experience to view how these creatures of different habits came together.
Imagine what this world would be like if we all understood one another. No soap operas, no comedies of errors. No diplomats, no translators, no interpreters. Diversity makes life interesting. It provides excitement and keeps us on our toes. It makes the world go round. That, and perhaps also, disagreement. You can't beat a bit of conflict for sparking off an adventure. But we all, every so often, have to reach harmony.
We had a resident of the cloud-cuckoo-land! We had mortals with rose-coloured glasses as they peered wistfully through the window of hope onto the street of dreams! I will stop here before I bore you to hell! But you have to admit creativity is wonderful stuff. It takes us into territory we might otherwise never explore. It picks us up, turns us around, surprises us and inspires us.
We often speak of "creative types" as if they were a world apart but even if we aren't all writers or designers, we are born to be creative. It is a need as powerful and real as the need to sleep or eat. So where is the outlet for our imagination? Are we conjuring up unnecessary fears just to keep the inventive side of our brain busy?
I looked at the double rainbow and thought to myself, "There really, truly is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow." I can say this without fear of contradiction because nobody can ever prove otherwise. All of us, no matter how logical and scientific we may be, base our lives on a series of such assumptions. We believe in things that sound good - and those notions keep us going.
That's just fine and dandy. What though, if there is a pot of gold, right beneath your feet? And what if you fail to see it because you are so busy chasing the mythical one at the rainbow's end? I am glad I came and I am glad I didn't miss this opportunity. And happy that I didn't let it take over me on the road.
Is my created opportunity as good as the one that might otherwise have come into my life? The answer, as I discovered while taking pictures of the maid of the mist, was that opportunities are more like taxis. You can flag them down wherever you are.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath of the mist. I wanted to capture the whole thing, wanted to bring a piece back with me. Most of all wanted to run away from the reality that I eventually have to come back to. These are not lasting moments.
We eventually left Niagara at 2 o'clock in the morning after having walked around the town for two hours looking for the cars. We didn't get lost. After dinner we decided to take a short cut and not cross the whole town back to the parking lot. So here I am pointing at the mini CN tower, telling everyone: "Ageh ino begirim berim miresim be maashin." And guess what? They listened to me. Big mistake. Imagine 12 people walking down the now very quiet streets of this little town singing joyfully. And they weren't even drunk.
I suppose "danbelo dinbol" is kind of in our blood. But two hours is a long time and I have captured most of it on camera. From "Gole bi goldoon" to "Ki ashkhaato paak mikoneh", we eventually ran out of songs we could all remember, and after singing "Tooye yek divaare sangi" three times, someone came up with "Shod jomhooriyeh Eslaami be paa"! And being the children of the revolution, we knew that one, word by word!
<>It's amazing when the things you have run away from way across the Atlantic come back to you. Is it the mixed feeling of coming back to our natural habitat no matter where we are? Or is our generation in a limbo?
Later in the week I met an old friend of mine from junior school (raahnamaee). It was wonderful to see how little has changed. She was exactly the way I remembered her. We might have changed as we have grown to have different beliefs, goals and plans. But deep down it felt like the same 14-year-old girls who used to make fun of our Arabic teacher and spend most of class time outside in detention!
I remember she used to be very good in calligraphy. I suppose she was the artistic type unlike me. She's now studying fashion design, so still the artistic one. Tanhaa honare man dorost kardan nimro hast and I don't even do that very well.
She took me to see the CN tower and we had lunch in the restaurant on the top of the tower. The view of the city from that height was fantastic. We took pictures on the glass floor and we even had our picture taken with a CN tower wallpaper behind us. We looked a lot like my grandmother's pictures of Mashad and Imam Reza's shrine!
The rest of the week I spend the days exploring what they call downtown -- our westend so to speak. I shopped and sipped Margaritas with my friends out there. But it wasn't working. My friend's husband used to get fresh Nan Barbari from the Iranian shop (there are many of them in Toronto -- like a little Tehran). Breakfasts were exactly the way I was planning to have them as I was thinkinng on the plane!
I was mesmerized by how close the Iranian community is over there, unlike what we see here in England. No one would say: "shshsh... hichi nagoo inaa irooni hastan." Instead you hear people greeting each other warmly. Who knows, one day they might even become good friends.
It was rather nice to see how people can get along even when they are coming from different backgrounds. Every friend I was introduced to seemed to find someone who knew someone they knew. I envied them in a way. I have never been to one place long enough to have that luxury. I was surprised to see how people feel they belong to a place.
Canado-Iranians -- sorry I don't know what else to call them -- amazed me in showing the feeling that they belong. "We" was constantly used -- "we do things this way here" and "we go to these places at these times" and... I know people who are born in England or have lived there for over 30 years but you can still catch them say "Englisihaa injoorian" and "Englisihaa oonjoorian". It's good not to have a feeling of being a stranger and beat the sadness of "ghorbat".
On the last night of my stay in Toronto, after a day of serious "soghaati" shopping, I was blessed with the gathering of my friends. A goodbye party was organised in my honour. That was rather sweet considering that I was a bit of a bore throughout the week, deep in my thoughts and trying to analyse everything around me -- not to mention deciding to re-evaluate my life on Friday the 13th.
All's well that ends well, or so they say. Yet few things in this world ever seem to come to an end. Our stories, our dramas just trundle on relentlessly. There are some that say that to take up residence in a human body is to be given a life sentence. If so, it is a sentence with many commas and no full stops. I am not saying I am after happy-ever-after!. No, just happy-for-the-time-being.
I left Toronto after 10 days. On my arrival at Heathrow airport, I felt an empty rush through my stomach. When I found my way through the queue where it said "Other Passports" , I felt the emptiness of "ghorbat" and I missed the aroma that gave me the feeling of being surrounded by people who would simply take me for what I am and don't care about what passport I carry.
Belonging in Toronto
I was mesmerized by how close the Iranian community in Canada is
I felt a strange mixed emotion when the plain landed at Toronto's Pearson airport. I must say I had quite an interesting journey, apart from the hundreds of babies on the plane that took turns performing Beethoven symphonies. But all in all there was not much to complain about. Much like being in Autobus-e Shamsolemareh!
Having decided out of the blue that I needed a holiday and putting every effort in getting out of London even if it was just for a week, I managed to pull a few strings and get my holiday authorized from work. Deadline or no deadline I couldn't take it anymore.
Often at this time of the year, around full moon, I become overwhelmed with the urge to pack up my belongings in a red-spotted handkerchief, tie them to the end of a stick and walk off into the distance. Instead I am on a plane and I did pack a suitcase -- much more civilized than a handkerchief and my Nan Barbari and Panir Tabriz!
Can't understand where I got this craving from? It started all very nicely, even got compliments from the lady next to me. After a few minutes of talking to me she said, "How did your mother let you travel alone?" What did she mean? Having felt quite sensitive about my age since my last birthday, I felt a tingly feeling in my stomach and smiled.
"How old do you think I am?" I said with a fixed smile.
"Oh...17, 18."
Was I hearing right? I wanted to kiss her. For the love of god, good woman. Can I hire you as my ego booster? I couldn't stop smiling for the rest of the flight.
Being a Londoner, it is rather strange to see the person in the next seat talking to us, whether on a bus, train, or plane. So I was not only amused by this Indian-Canadian couple's friendliness but also loved them to pieces for having thought I am somewhat 10 years younger than I already am. I even got invited to a BBQ at their house next weekend in the suburbs of Toronto, which I duly accepted.
I tried to read for a while or at least get some sleep but I had all these strange thoughts playing ball in my head. You must have noticed most airlines have an interesting seating arrangement on their planes. They number the rows, but when they get to 12 they skip straight on to 14. Too many passengers (including me of course), feel nervous about sitting in the 13th row. Just the thought of being away from home on Friday the 13th was giving me jitters.
This begs an interesting question. Can we really keep the forces of fate and fortune at bay just by renumbering and renaming? What is it about 13 that gets to us? I know people who refuse to leave work at 5:13 and rather wait another couple of minutes, miss their train and wait half an hour for another. What is all that about?
Perhaps I should take a detour via the pet shop. Buy my own black cat and train it to walk under my feet wherever I go. This will provide permanent protection from all future Friday the Thirteenths.
It's strange really. We live in a supposedly sophisticated world, yet we are gripped by illogical fears and fantasies. Our ideas may be intelligent but our beliefs have changed little since the Stone Age. We seem blinded to see the wonderful new way to look at a tired situation. And we are too biased to see it. My thoughts -- and more importantly advanced plans -- were interrupted by the pilot's announcement on how hot it is in Toronto (30 degrees!) and we will be there in 15 minutes? Woohoo!
The immigration officer welcomed me very sweetly even after having seen my luxurious Iranian passport, which baffled me even more. Having traveled around Europe, one gets used to funny looks and reading the thoughts of the immigration officers that "she must be a spy" as my passport photo is rather scary. I was greeted by my best friend who has recently moved to Canada, and a friend I met last year on my trip to Vancouver. First impression of Toronto was "I like Vancouver better, but hiss.... don't tell anyone."
We had a picnic planned at a Niagara Falls. When I say picnic I mean we packed cheese and Vodka! You can imagine by the time we parked in the little town of Niagara, I could see stars around my head. Quite expected from drinking straight vodka out of a bottle! And not to mention I was still jetlagged. The scenery was beautiful. It's a breathtaking view that makes you think, "Is this all a figment of my imagination? Is this the right page I'm looking at?"
We seem to have a tendency to only see the things we want to see and shut out the rest of the world, but here you see the depth of creativity and power, and you ask yourself how and why? There was a potent diabolical archetype lurking inside us all, I thought as I noticed the conversation among people was roaming on god, religion and who believes in what.
It certainly was an experience just exploring, not to mention the casino and other entertainment centers in town. The bunch of people I was with were a mixture of my friends, their friends and friends of the friends. And it was certainly an experience to view how these creatures of different habits came together.
Imagine what this world would be like if we all understood one another. No soap operas, no comedies of errors. No diplomats, no translators, no interpreters. Diversity makes life interesting. It provides excitement and keeps us on our toes. It makes the world go round. That, and perhaps also, disagreement. You can't beat a bit of conflict for sparking off an adventure. But we all, every so often, have to reach harmony.
We had a resident of the cloud-cuckoo-land! We had mortals with rose-coloured glasses as they peered wistfully through the window of hope onto the street of dreams! I will stop here before I bore you to hell! But you have to admit creativity is wonderful stuff. It takes us into territory we might otherwise never explore. It picks us up, turns us around, surprises us and inspires us.
We often speak of "creative types" as if they were a world apart but even if we aren't all writers or designers, we are born to be creative. It is a need as powerful and real as the need to sleep or eat. So where is the outlet for our imagination? Are we conjuring up unnecessary fears just to keep the inventive side of our brain busy?
I looked at the double rainbow and thought to myself, "There really, truly is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow." I can say this without fear of contradiction because nobody can ever prove otherwise. All of us, no matter how logical and scientific we may be, base our lives on a series of such assumptions. We believe in things that sound good - and those notions keep us going.
That's just fine and dandy. What though, if there is a pot of gold, right beneath your feet? And what if you fail to see it because you are so busy chasing the mythical one at the rainbow's end? I am glad I came and I am glad I didn't miss this opportunity. And happy that I didn't let it take over me on the road.
Is my created opportunity as good as the one that might otherwise have come into my life? The answer, as I discovered while taking pictures of the maid of the mist, was that opportunities are more like taxis. You can flag them down wherever you are.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath of the mist. I wanted to capture the whole thing, wanted to bring a piece back with me. Most of all wanted to run away from the reality that I eventually have to come back to. These are not lasting moments.
We eventually left Niagara at 2 o'clock in the morning after having walked around the town for two hours looking for the cars. We didn't get lost. After dinner we decided to take a short cut and not cross the whole town back to the parking lot. So here I am pointing at the mini CN tower, telling everyone: "Ageh ino begirim berim miresim be maashin." And guess what? They listened to me. Big mistake. Imagine 12 people walking down the now very quiet streets of this little town singing joyfully. And they weren't even drunk.
I suppose "danbelo dinbol" is kind of in our blood. But two hours is a long time and I have captured most of it on camera. From "Gole bi goldoon" to "Ki ashkhaato paak mikoneh", we eventually ran out of songs we could all remember, and after singing "Tooye yek divaare sangi" three times, someone came up with "Shod jomhooriyeh Eslaami be paa"! And being the children of the revolution, we knew that one, word by word!
<>It's amazing when the things you have run away from way across the Atlantic come back to you. Is it the mixed feeling of coming back to our natural habitat no matter where we are? Or is our generation in a limbo?
Later in the week I met an old friend of mine from junior school (raahnamaee). It was wonderful to see how little has changed. She was exactly the way I remembered her. We might have changed as we have grown to have different beliefs, goals and plans. But deep down it felt like the same 14-year-old girls who used to make fun of our Arabic teacher and spend most of class time outside in detention!
I remember she used to be very good in calligraphy. I suppose she was the artistic type unlike me. She's now studying fashion design, so still the artistic one. Tanhaa honare man dorost kardan nimro hast and I don't even do that very well.
She took me to see the CN tower and we had lunch in the restaurant on the top of the tower. The view of the city from that height was fantastic. We took pictures on the glass floor and we even had our picture taken with a CN tower wallpaper behind us. We looked a lot like my grandmother's pictures of Mashad and Imam Reza's shrine!
The rest of the week I spend the days exploring what they call downtown -- our westend so to speak. I shopped and sipped Margaritas with my friends out there. But it wasn't working. My friend's husband used to get fresh Nan Barbari from the Iranian shop (there are many of them in Toronto -- like a little Tehran). Breakfasts were exactly the way I was planning to have them as I was thinkinng on the plane!
I was mesmerized by how close the Iranian community is over there, unlike what we see here in England. No one would say: "shshsh... hichi nagoo inaa irooni hastan." Instead you hear people greeting each other warmly. Who knows, one day they might even become good friends.
It was rather nice to see how people can get along even when they are coming from different backgrounds. Every friend I was introduced to seemed to find someone who knew someone they knew. I envied them in a way. I have never been to one place long enough to have that luxury. I was surprised to see how people feel they belong to a place.
Canado-Iranians -- sorry I don't know what else to call them -- amazed me in showing the feeling that they belong. "We" was constantly used -- "we do things this way here" and "we go to these places at these times" and... I know people who are born in England or have lived there for over 30 years but you can still catch them say "Englisihaa injoorian" and "Englisihaa oonjoorian". It's good not to have a feeling of being a stranger and beat the sadness of "ghorbat".
On the last night of my stay in Toronto, after a day of serious "soghaati" shopping, I was blessed with the gathering of my friends. A goodbye party was organised in my honour. That was rather sweet considering that I was a bit of a bore throughout the week, deep in my thoughts and trying to analyse everything around me -- not to mention deciding to re-evaluate my life on Friday the 13th.
All's well that ends well, or so they say. Yet few things in this world ever seem to come to an end. Our stories, our dramas just trundle on relentlessly. There are some that say that to take up residence in a human body is to be given a life sentence. If so, it is a sentence with many commas and no full stops. I am not saying I am after happy-ever-after!. No, just happy-for-the-time-being.
I left Toronto after 10 days. On my arrival at Heathrow airport, I felt an empty rush through my stomach. When I found my way through the queue where it said "Other Passports" , I felt the emptiness of "ghorbat" and I missed the aroma that gave me the feeling of being surrounded by people who would simply take me for what I am and don't care about what passport I carry.
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