It is over a year since I first started writing here...It was March 2003... I am thinking...Maybe I should stop writing...I don't seem to have much to say these days...I have become repetitive and pointless even to myself...

Maybe it is time to move on....

Maybe Not!

They say if you put your energy in to something you can make it happen...I put all my energy and mind into staring at my phone until it rings....but I am still waiting!!!! ....They....don't know what they are talking about.....

Zen masters encourage us to 'just be.' If asked, 'Just be what?' They reply with enigmatic silences. Or so we are told. Few of us have ever actually met any Zen masters. They don't do much travelling. They are too busy, 'just being'. Should we be going off in search of them? Or should we just learn to be what we are and assume that what we need is already going to be with us? If you have a comfortable, weatherproof environment, what does it matter how hard it rains? Only if our protection looks likely to let the elements in, is there a need to worry.

The worst a passing storm can do is enter through a small hole in our roof and spoil one tiny area of an otherwise comfortable room...I think it is better to put up with this philosophically than to climb outside to cover the gap and end up drenched....

Why are there so many words, in so many books in so many libraries? Why do we need all those explanations, observations dissertations?..Surely if we were a visiting alien, we would assume that those books were all needed because life on Earth was so complicated. Indeed, if it was me I would probably take one look at all the books I was supposed to read, and then turn my ship towards some more simple corner of the cosmos, that way I had less chance of getting caught up in an irrelevant argument....Nothing is ever straight forward though... is it?

If all life's roads were straight, vehicles would not need steering wheels. If humans are vehicles, though, they are cars not trains. We cannot follow strict timetables. Sometimes we speed up and slow down of our own volition, sometimes we must do what the traffic dictates. But always, we have options. Maps, though, are not necessarily in such easy supply. Isn't it that we have our inner sense of direction? Surely if we look closely we must also have at least one clear signpost..that way we have all we need....

As simple as that you say....ummm...I say it is even simpler!!!

Perhaps it is true that I am a creature of instinct and I am proud of this. But I do sometimes feel slightly ashamed of my impulsive nature. I see the 'mistakes' it has caused and suspect I should be more restrained. But wouldn’t that be so if only I desire a dull life? Perhaps then I may just attain this level of caution. But, for me, existence without adventure isn't up to much. I may be in risky territory but I don’t feel I am in any danger. I do sometimes wonder though that what is it I am after, after all….but I do know that it is not re-assurance I want… It's a reward. Or at least, some hard evidence that points to an imminent increase in my sense of 'measurable stability'. There comes a time when words lose meaning. Phrases, no matter how sensitively constructed, are just sounds, hanging in the air. We sometimes, at least, need to be able to touch, taste and feel our sources of security. And sometimes, it's good to feel determined to accept no substitute…I don’t know…is it re-assurance I am after?

Few things are ever quite what they seem. Few people too, ever say what's really on their minds. To get ahead we have to read between the lines. To stay ahead, we also have to accept that there's a danger in reading between too many lines, too often. I am as always trying to make sense of something that cannot possibly be what it purports to be. I maybe right to feel suspicion, wrong to assume that I can see the true picture…or neither…I guess all I can do is keep an open mind!

Some choices are easy. But all choices seem hard when we are harassed or hard done by. Often, we don't allow for whatever is impeding our judgement. We see our lack of certainty as inexcusable and try to compensate by acting decisively. Then, of course, we make moves that lead to more confusion…..

Once bitten, twice shy. But what about thrice? Could it be third time lucky? I am standing back, looking at something that went awry in the past. Since then I have avoided a painful repetition. But I have been watching a situation carefully and making tentative attempts to see if it has improved. Something does seem to have altered. Is it madness to have another go? Perhaps, Not if I am ready to apply all I have learned?

Maybe it's time to upwardly revise my own assessment of what's possible!

Sometimes, it's easier to agree with someone than to reach a state of agreement with ourself. When, for example, we hear another person saying that such and such is a good idea, we can latch on to their statement with more enthusiasm and trust than we can muster in response to our own inner voice. I may be confident but I still succumb to this syndrome from time to time. Perhaps, it is essential to keep everything in a realistic perspective....

Let us imagine, for sake of argument, we are trying to solve a crossword clue. To make the analogy more apt, let us say it's imperative to do this puzzle. There's a prize if we get it right or a punishment if we fail. 'Any old word' won't do. The object of the exercise is not just to fill space. We're better off with a hole in our grid than with a misleading answer. And we may not know what to accept but we know what to reject. That's a fine start. Perhaps we should be fussy, bold and be ready for anything.....Theory and practice are two very different things. Sometimes, there's simply no substitute for experience. We may well decide that there's no point in sitting around looking at the map a moment longer. The only way to get from A to B is to pick up our feet and start walking and to cast our caution to the winds. Put our money where our mouth is. Show the world that we mean business. The details of the route will sort themselves out if we just begin to move our feet!!!! (only if it was that simple!)

kash mishod rooza ra avaz kard....kash mishod khaterha ra zendeh kard....kash mishod hamishe bahar bood...kash mishod aslan hava abri nemishod vali baroon miomad....kash mishod hamishe fasle sonbolo narges bood....kash mishod hanooz bache boodimo bi dagdage....kash mishod hichkas doroogh nemigoft....kash mishod kasi kasi ra aziat nemikard...kash mishod adama hame khoob boodan...kash mishod hame shaba mahtabi boodan....kash mishod hame setareha ba ma harf mizadan....kash hame chiz sadeh bood....kash mishdo roo abra parvaz kard....kash mishod dastet to dastam bood.....kash mishod miboosidamet.....kash mishod sedaye nafasat ra toye khab mishmordam.....kash mishod to cheshmet negah konam....kash miashod sedaye pato hefz konam.....kash mishod ro sooratet dast bekeshamo khataye sooratet ra baraye hamishe be khater besporam....kash mishod inja boodi....kash mishod.....

I was reading one of our old conversations…that he had sent to me again…I guess on my persistent for wanting to post it on my web-blog!!!…Of course I never did at the end…but it was sitting in my received files folder…and it cut my eye while browsing through his pictures….

14th of May…. He is telling me about the Book exhibition and the rest…. Then he mentions this thing about dating 3 girls at the same time…. I didn’t think about it much at the time…maybe it didn’t seem important…and who am I to judge or label anyone or anything for that matter….

But now…. There is this nagging voice in my head…maybe it is unnecessary…. Maybe because I am just a girl…. I can’t help wondering whether he is doing that now too…I know we are dating…we are not even close to anything like that…but there is this thing that I can’t explain….no matter how much I deny the fact and say nothing is going on….there is something….there is always something…..

In that conversation he refers to wanting to test his own feelings…and realising that he has no feelings towards them…. In my book that would be ‘he doesn’t care’….

I can’t help wondering how many other girls at the same time of me he doesn’t care for……

I can’t help but wonder….

I talked to him after I read that script…. And as soon as we started to talk I forgot about what I was reading…. But I guess this morning I am hit by the post mortem symptom…Sitting on the train, clutching my hand in my packet to keep the cold away. I felt a rush of blood in my head. And an anxiety feeling that I hadn’t felt for a long time…and a nagging worry of…what if?

What is even stranger is that…I can’t talk to anyone about this…. This is what happens when without realising it he becomes the person you talk to about everything and anything and he suddenly is playing the best friend’s role on the other end of the phone without acknowledging it…

I feel the fear that I have been trying to kick away for months coming back and I shiver….

In the wrestle between my mind and my heart I end up reaching a decision that I am going to park this in the back of my mind where I cache all the information that I never want to refer to but may come handy one day….

I just wish there was a delete button and I could hear the w*** of the empty recycle been command…. But too bad the brain doesn’t get rid of the clutter that easily…

We work so hard to achieve more and thrive for success....but then when we get what we want we stand still and think...well ...now what????!!!!!

The Beatles sang, 'All you need is love.' But then, they were millionaire pop stars at the time. They already had money, fame, talent and even a degree of power. So perhaps it was true for them. Love was all they needed because they already had everything else. But what about the rest of us? Is love really all that we need too? That rather depends on what we mean by love, and by how deeply, sincerely and unconditionally we feel it. I feel there is already love in my life and there maybe whole lot more if I stay an optimist.... That may well prove to be, indeed, all I need!!!!!

We do not always feel able to be proud of our deepest desires. We often find ourselves feeling obliged to fight our appetites and resist our urges. It often seems as if the only way in which we can be 'good' is to do things which are dull. Only bad behaviour seems exciting. That's why life so often seems like one long inner wrestling match. So, should we struggle with ourselves ? Or is it OK to succumb to a powerful temptation? Perhaps that's between us and our conscience. But I will say this, some rules in this world were made to be broken.

Never shop for food when you're hungry, never negotiate a contract when feeling insecure, never set out on a journey when you're in a rush. All good advice, but not always so easy to take.... Needs must be responded to, regardless of how right or otherwise the time may be. ...

What's the definition of success? A refusal to be beaten by failure, perhaps!!!. What brings about progress? A determination not to stand still!!!
A miss, they say, is as good as a mile. That though, rather depends on the size of the target. If we are trying to achieve something exceedingly specific, then simply getting close will give us no comfort. Rarely in life though, do we need to organise our arrangements and involvements with the precision of an engineer. Indeed, if we try too hard to engineer anything we risk compromising our happiness by narrowing our expectations. Some say if we're not getting what we want, perhaps we should try wanting what we've actually got…..but that is seldom possible in reality….cause we live in a world where high achievers are congratulated and held up as examples to follow.

We tend to forget, though, that true quality of life is not related to how much we can get done but how deeply we enjoy our day-to-day experience of simply existing. Maybe we should be asking not, 'What can I add to my world?' but, 'What extraneous factor can I reduce or remove to lead a simpler, enjoyable life. Remember what the Americans say. 'Less is more'.

Some of us really don't want our problems to be solved. Some enjoy dealing with difficulty. They like having something to complain about. They fear that a life of comfort and contentment would be dismally dull or tiresomely tedious. So they keep on secretly stirring the pot…. I am not one of those people!!!

Why am I saying this to you now? Oh, no reason, really. Just passing the time making pleasant conversation, that's all. Nice weather we're having for the time of year, isn't it? Er...

It's funny how we can cope so well with life's big problems yet feel so frustrated about much seemingly smaller stuff. Maybe we take some of the anger that we really ought to feel about the big matters that we can't change, and direct it instead towards those more trivial targets. Or maybe, it's just the fact that sometimes the littlest things can provide the greatest pleasure…..

A friend of mine asked me this week…what makes me happy…..this is the second time that someone has asked me that question….and I have looked at them blankly….I may not have had an answer for that exact question but thankfully I could tell them what didn’t make me happy.. I do not need to be rich to be happy. Nor do I need worldly status, a blissful domestic set up, a brilliant creative idea or a perfect romantic life….okay…maybe a perfect romantic life… (But who is to say what is perfect!!!)…. All these things are nice enough if you happen to have them but they are still nothing more than 'roads to a destination'. The destination itself, a sense of profound contentment and gratitude for life, is a city to which there are a thousand approaches. Often, the less obvious paths provide a quicker, simpler, less-cluttered route to the centre…..

I had a conversation with myself in my head today...it was rather amusing...thought I share that with you... "Leave it alone...Don't meddle, don't fiddle, don't fret and don't think. Forget it. Ignore it"..... ....I was tempted to add 'mind your own business' but this may have been a misleading piece of advice for the 'it' in question is a piece of business that does, at least partially, belong to me. Nonetheless, it's best put aside. Legally speaking, I own the engine in my car. That doesn't mean though, that I am therefore qualified to fix it...right? So I guess even you are going to tell me "Have patience and it will be" ?? ya ya...I know...that is what I told myself too!!

"Like is Like"!!!!

There are things in life that words can never explain. Shakespeare once described them as: "Words, words, mere words". If the great wordsmith knew the limits of language, it surely follows that there must be times when the likes of you and me are best advised to keep our mouths shut...Resolve not to say anything unless we are sure it's wise ....Resolve too not to use our brain when we should be using our heart. I don't know if my instincts are accurate and wise... Even our cleverest ideas, though, are a little less than perfect sometimes...

Last night I had a white dream....a house with white fences...lily's....the white cat....a white rocking chair on the front porch....and white foot prints on the snow towards the gate next to the snow man with button eyes and a whilte wooly hat....but just one set of foot prints...probably mine!

Sense...I want the world to make more sense...But I may as well wish for a cow that recites Shakespeare or a flower that can dance... Cows deliver milk, not messages. Flowers bloom, but they just don't boogie...ya ya I know all that....and I also know that there are things In this universe that it's just not reasonable to expect, and a reasonable universe is one of those things and the best one can hope for is a life that makes some kind of sense, some of the time...There's absolutely no sense in striving for more sense than that! What's happening now is pretty crazy ...

I was thinking about a conversation I had with a friend while back....and the definition of happiness...tonight I thought to myself perhaps there is only one true state of happiness, though we can approach it via many roads. Some are deceptive; they look from a distance as if they will take us directly to that place yet they meander dreadfully. Others are less obviously signposted yet they provide a quick, simple journey to that special destination. Then there are the ones that purport to offer a highway to joy yet which actually lead away from it. Some may argue that ....Happiness, is always nearer and easier to get to than we think. And it is a place that nobody, ever, is obliged to leave!
But I gave it a try....Two steps forward, one step back. It's a frustrating way to make progress but it's a wonderful way to dance....and I certainly am not in the mood to dance...perhaps I need to see myself less as a driver, trying to steer the vehicle towards some vital destination and more as a passenger with a ticket to ride on a glorious magical mystery tour ( so much for glorious though!!! as if!)...Somewhere in the back of my mind, there's an ideal vision of how things should be. This attractive image is both unrealistic and insidious. Each time I compare my actual life to the golden dream, I feel somehow inadequate....perhaps that is where the problem lies... all I actually now need to do is stop setting myself such artificially high standards.... and don't pollute the positivity and purity by mixing it up with an empty fantasy.....but who is to say it is a fantasy?

Smile and the world smiles with you. ...Cry and you cry alone.... Or so they say. Actually though, people are much more sensitive to the emotions of others than most of us ever realise. Just as we tend to yawn when we see strangers yawning in the street, we get grouchy when we encounter bad tempered characters... and when we come across folk who are putting out charming, cheerful or even sexy 'vibes' we find ourselves responding in kind....(not that, that's ever happened to me of course!)... all I am saying is that moods can be influenced by other people...or particular people in our life... and in turn surely we are making an impact on certain other individuals in our vicinity.... so perhaps we need to bare that in mind and resolve to pass on only what we truly want to share! .....I try to look for something to go by...something to make me smile......something on the look out for the new year.... my finances may be far from ideal and there may well be no magic wand I can wave to improve them... I am not where I want to be....I am not with whom I want to be....home office can't decide whether I can have my passport back...I can't be bothered to do my project....don't feel like studying for exams....what is the point...can't be bothered with looking for jobs....have become crap at interviews anyway....my plans have all gone wrong....and yes once again...life is just happening around me without slightest effort from me......But surely there's certainly an improvement I can set in motion.....surely there is light at the end of the tunnel....or is this one of those tunnels that doesn't ever end...!!! How long does one wait....patience is a virtue...right....but how much patience........? am I the victim of circumstances....?

Who said the past is in the past??? No it is not...it is bloody right here with every move we make .... ok ok...it is right here with every move I make....slapping me right in the face!!! You can't judge a book by looking at the cover... and you can't judge a year by its first few days. That's what they say. They may well be right, But sometimes, you can get a distinct flavour of what's in store....Crap!!!

Right now I feel rather like a person who has been staring at a landscape through a small window... I feel I have seen all there is to see... I yearn for a change but I fear that it is going to be difficult to instigate... ( or because perhaps people keep reminding me of things I don't want to be reminded of!) .... Experience teaches us that we don't have to seek change. It will always find its way to us... Perhaps stability is the experience we have to strive for and the moment we relinquish our desire to lead a predictable life, chaos seems to come flooding in like a lake through a crack in the wall of a dam...( well it always finds its way to get to me anyway!!)...Nonetheless, I am ready to do whatever is needed...I am about to prove that, actually, all it takes is a simple decision to step outside the door... Without that window in my way, surely I will find much more to appreciate on the horizon of the surrounding landscape....

When Achilles, the great warrior of Greek mythology, was just a tiny baby, his mother dipped him in the river Styx. This caused every part of him to become invulnerable, with the exception of the heel by which she held him. We all have our weak spots and they all ironically, tend to get weaker, the more we try to acquire greater strength. Somewhere in me is an area of deep emotional sensitivity.... maybe an unhealthy dependency....Perhaps this is the good year to throw away that so called sensitive dependancy and stand on my two feet...and held my head high!

"Reason, ruling alone, is a force confining; and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction." ...Kahlil Gibran's observation points the way to the decision that must be reached between now and the end of the first full week of the New Year. I may not be able to reconcile the difference between what I feel and what I think but nor must I allow one force to triumph over the other...My heart and head must each have their say...

As I attempt to broker a compromise between these vastly different forces, I try hard to remind myself that it doesn't matter how beautifully I embellish a picture or decorate a house.... If the basic outline is not easy on the eye, or the fundamental structure is flawed, I am never going to compensate by fiddling with the superficial detail... As with art or architecture, so with life.... perhaps I need to pare away the complication from a situation or relationship so I can see it for what it actually is, adjust it as necessary, and then decide what else it needs. One of my lecturer's once said: " Once you have simplicity, you'll also have agreement between many of the crap in your thesis that now appear to conflict with one another".....well you might think it is irrelevant and thinking what a load of jibberish...but hey...all I am saying is that perhaps once I have simplicity and stop complicating things then I can perhaps find the balance between my head and my heart....if I can find any of them!!!!!

Two transatlantic flights were cancelled, just before the weekend, ( and many more today...if I haven't got my BBC and CNN crossed)...due to a terrorist threat. A lot of travellers were inconvenienced. And nothing happened. So maybe it was all in vain. Or maybe not. Life's wisest, smartest moves and choices don't always bring show stopping, obvious results. Often, we never get to see the disaster that might have ensued if only we had taken a sillier route from one place to another. We live in blissful ignorance of narrow escapes and near misses. Sometimes we find ourselves working in the realm of invisible influence. We can't be sure that our big hunch is a good one... but nor can we ignore it...and know that somehow we are going to have to act on it, regardless of how perceptible the consequences turn out to be...That's good...isn't it? ...I sound like I am acting on a psychic tip off... I've only got a nudge, a wink, or a half heard hint to go on... but cut me some slack here I am honouring it with respect.... And as always when I head further down this controversial but clever road ( heading down litrally...not trip over if I am lucky!) , I feel far stronger and better ( as you do when everything around you goes the wrong way!) ... regardless of whether I ever get 'proof positive' that I did the right thing...after all I love a good challenge don't I???!!!!!

We all love solving puzzles. What we don't like is discovering that those puzzles may not have a satisfactory solution. It's then that they become problems. We can apply our minds to abstract, remote difficulties or to situations that are bemusing our friends. Sometimes, though, we are too quick to give up on questions that relate too directly to our lives. Maybe this is not a problem...maybe I simply have a puzzle from which I need to stand further back...and look at it differently...Whether I made a plan for this particular phase of my life long ago or merely had a vague expectation about what I would like it to bring, I am beginning to see things are most unlikely to come to pass as I anticipated...well certainly not anytime soon... Circumstances beyond my control are forcing me to rearrange my agenda and re-evaluate priorities on an almost daily basis. Though I tend to be adaptable, I'd like more stability...not sure what this is... fear?...doubt?...new year jitters?...whatever it is... the outcome better be good!!!

Are we all just victims of circumstance? Perhaps, but some of us, despite facing superficially similar circumstances, feel far more inclined to see ourselves as beneficiaries of kindly coincidence. We all face factors we can't control, or we expend a lot of effort without much certainty of getting much by way of reward. When we decide to accept what's happening and do our best regardless, we can feel good even if things don't all go exactly our way. When we resent the situation we find ourselves in, we feel bad, regardless of how much truly good reason there is to be unhappy. Maybe what I need is to embrace what there's no point in rejecting... And be aware that things can change...ya ya...gotta be optimistic....too soon to over rule new year resolutions....