Sunday, February 29, 2004

I was reading one of our old conversations…that he had sent to me again…I guess on my persistent for wanting to post it on my web-blog!!!…Of course I never did at the end…but it was sitting in my received files folder…and it cut my eye while browsing through his pictures….

14th of May…. He is telling me about the Book exhibition and the rest…. Then he mentions this thing about dating 3 girls at the same time…. I didn’t think about it much at the time…maybe it didn’t seem important…and who am I to judge or label anyone or anything for that matter….

But now…. There is this nagging voice in my head…maybe it is unnecessary…. Maybe because I am just a girl…. I can’t help wondering whether he is doing that now too…I know we are dating…we are not even close to anything like that…but there is this thing that I can’t explain….no matter how much I deny the fact and say nothing is going on….there is something….there is always something…..

In that conversation he refers to wanting to test his own feelings…and realising that he has no feelings towards them…. In my book that would be ‘he doesn’t care’….

I can’t help wondering how many other girls at the same time of me he doesn’t care for……

I can’t help but wonder….

I talked to him after I read that script…. And as soon as we started to talk I forgot about what I was reading…. But I guess this morning I am hit by the post mortem symptom…Sitting on the train, clutching my hand in my packet to keep the cold away. I felt a rush of blood in my head. And an anxiety feeling that I hadn’t felt for a long time…and a nagging worry of…what if?

What is even stranger is that…I can’t talk to anyone about this…. This is what happens when without realising it he becomes the person you talk to about everything and anything and he suddenly is playing the best friend’s role on the other end of the phone without acknowledging it…

I feel the fear that I have been trying to kick away for months coming back and I shiver….

In the wrestle between my mind and my heart I end up reaching a decision that I am going to park this in the back of my mind where I cache all the information that I never want to refer to but may come handy one day….

I just wish there was a delete button and I could hear the w*** of the empty recycle been command…. But too bad the brain doesn’t get rid of the clutter that easily…

2 comments:

Unknown said...

Sweet post. I hope it works out for you two...

Unknown said...

Sweet post. I hope it works out for you two...