Why do people talk about turning green with envy? If that's the colour we really go, we surely don’t have to worry about the colour of the grass on the other side of the fence. I am not trying to suggest that we are being unreasonably covetous. But if we want to understand the subtle motives behind various people's positions, we need to appreciate how potent desire can be. Someone we feel tempted to move in one way, when we know for sure that someone else is itching to go in a different direction. Both of us think this is the way to find happiness. But is it? I think not! It is through putting down, not picking up a passion, that life can be lightened.

Actually, you don't have to go to the other side of the fence to get greener grass. You can attain it just by pushing the lawn-mower in a particular direction. Some people become almost neurotically obsessed with getting the right stripes. They figure that if their lawn looks perfect, this will somehow help a part of their lives to be perfect. But, of course, we all know that appearances can be very deceptive. So If we want the grass to get genuinely greener, shouldn't we stop trying to sit on the fence!

Has someone slipped something in my tea? Everything seems a little more vivid than usual. Images are sharper, sounds more subtle, colours brighter, Ideas more exciting. And emotions are more intense. What could it be? oh...I get it...it is sunny today!!!!

In every busy street you will find an optician and a dentist. Clearly, a lot of eyes need looking at and a lot of mouths need looking in. Yet where are the people who check our hearing? We cannot even readily recall the name of these medical specialists? Can we conclude from this that the world is full of people who have no difficulty in that department? If this is so, how do we explain the fact that nobody ever listens to anybody else? If we are not all deaf, we are certainly terribly rude!

Every channel i flick through these days are showing images of the war...every conversation you have with people is about the war...I watched the fall of baghadad on CNN yesterday...I saw Iraqi people battering the statue of Saddam on CNN...I also saw an Iraqi girl shout go home americans and swearing at them on Jame-Jam...which one should we hear? which one should we believe? Is this why we are always told not to generalise?

When things change in the world, they change suddenly. The build-up may be gradual but the moment of truth comes from nowhere and establishes itself at the speed of greased-lightning. The whole thing is rather like watching a balloon being blown up to the point where it finally pops. It often seems amazing how much energy or air can be absorbed. it is like thinking, something has surely got to give soon but it doesn’t. And then, the point of no return is brief. What’s coming up for these people? Liberation! The imminent, instant end of a struggle they feared would go on forever?

A tatty piece of paper can be worth a fortune if it contains the autograph of some famous person, long gone from this world. How strange that we should place such a high value on something so trivial while all around us, people starve, suffer and struggle. We live in a world where real, human lives are worth far less than pieces of rubbish. No wonder we have difficulty making sense of anything. How can we ever understand what the TRUE value of anything is? Shouldn't we have start rethinking our priorities? Perhaps it will make us wiser and happier – it may yet make us better off too. Who knows!

Sometimes, the fortune fairy taps us on the shoulder with her wand and everything starts to go our way!
Sometimes, she just brushes briefly past our door, depositing a package as goes. Her deliveries are often odd, (hardly ever a bunch of flower or a cheque addressed to my name, except once actually..a check from some draw for 25p..wow i am rich!!) More likely with a label that says : "Brought to you by Depression International – Premier Promoters Of Global Gloom. Bills, demands, court cases. redundancies, rejections and regrets. Sorrows, sadnesses and stupidities. You name them, we can supply them.” although, They rarely contain the name of the sender.
Often, indeed, they are parcelled up as problems. Even if we can see through this disguise, we tend to discover, as we unwrap, that we have been given a kit for self-assembly. We have only the component parts – not the finished item. I guess that is when we know we have to do a little figuring out and thinking!!! ummmm....and that is when over analysing comes in...I wish things would have been simpler...!!

After a very busy birthday weekend where i didn't really have time to be grumpy or miserable about my age, I dragged myself out of bed this morning, feeling exhausted and not quite 100%. The journey to work was too cold for April and the Metro had all this clips about the war and Sars and got me into a right state!!!!
What if the Iraq War turns into World War III? What if the doctors can’t cure or control the new respiratory syndrome, apparently emanating from Hong Kong and China? What if the stock market crashes and we all lose our jobs? And our homes? What if global warming causes the seas to rise till there’s no land to live on? What if... well, I don’t suppose I need to go on really, do I? If you add all those what-ifs to the more personal ‘worst case scenarios’ I keep considering, you can see why I feel so edgy.
I suppose I could also ask the question : What if it all turns out to be fine?.....ya right!!!!

When I Was Just A Little Girl!
"When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother;
what will I be?
Will I be pretty?
Will I be rich?
Here's what she said to me :
Que sera, sera.
Whatever will be, will be. The future's not ours to see.
Que sera sera

Sometimes, the truth hurts. That's why it is so important for us all to tell lies. After all, we do not want to cause one another pain! Reprehensible misrepresentations of reality are, of course, only ever the result of the most laudable, socially-conscious motives. Oh, and by the way, the moon is made of green cheese!!! We can all justify anything if we set our minds to the task, but words will never be more powerful than feelings. Our instincts know the score even when our brains are being blinded by science.

On the eve of my birthday, I am now getting to see a picture that had previously been hidden from me. The experience is slightly sobering but incredibly positive!

11:29 PM

My Dad always tells me : If at first you don't succeed, try, try and try again.
My response is normally : And if you still don't get anywhere?
Dad : Try something different. That's not copping out or buckling under or giving up or letting anyone down, that's just being intelligent.

He is perhaps right, but once I get an idea in my head I am reluctant to drop it. Taurean tenacity is legendary and admirable. Every so often though, my determination becomes myAchilles heel. I guess, it is important to be fleet of foot and not let yesterday's big idea become the ball and chain that stops you from reaching a brighter tomorrow. Maybe it is true what folks say : Flexibility is a virtue, not a vice.

Once we know how to do something, we always know. We may require a little refresher if we have allowed our skills to grow rusty, but we never have to start all over again from scratch. And of course, lessons, even for the keenest of students, are not always easy to learn. So, by and large, no matter how much we may claim to seek a life of challenge and growth, we end up sticking with the devil we know. We may flirt with the foreign but we only follow through with the familiar. And then we wonder why our lives lack excitement.

Why are we always being told to put the past behind us? Why can’t we put it in front of us so that we can keep an eye on it? The past, after all, is a notoriously wriggly thing. It changes shape more shamelessly than a comedian. It answers its questions according to what mood it is in or who happens to be doing the asking.

My gold fish died today!! It didn't even get to sizdeh bedar....now the other one is all alone! :(

Often we can kid ourselves that we have some control over the world. We take action and we get results. We therefore assume that there must be some connection between the two. But periodically, the universe sets out to remind us that the link is more fragile than we think. Sometimes, we cause an effect – sometimes we just get an effect without doing anything to bring it about.

May be I should begin to wonder if the steering wheel of my life has anything whatsoever to do with the wheel. Is there actually a link ? If so, then is it hidding? or it is just not quite as obvious as I might want it to be!?

We try so hard to get it right. To win friends and to influence people. To make choices we can be proud of. Sometimes we succeed. Sometimes we don’t. And sometimes, it all gets a little confusing. We think we are winning but we turn out to be losing. We suspect all is hopeless, then we suddenly see a hidden opportunity. We may well have strong opinions about what’s happening in life but can we be sure that these are right? Certainly, if they relate to trying too hard to do anything, they are probably wrong. Then again...how can we be sure of anything!!!

Eid shoma Mobarak....
Another year...another Spring...another haft sin....and another set of pleasantries...Sali por bar va por mofavagiat...Some one said I am sure this year things would be great for you!!! duh...

In an insecure and unreasonable world, how can it possibly be rational to be sure of anything? Certainty is just a shield to hide behind – a dummy to suck on.

Fine I am still a pessimist...I guess somethings never change!

Poshte daryaha shahrist...ghayeghi bayad sakht.....

I paced myself into a state of calm as soon as my eyes cut the site of him crossing the road with his hand around her waist...I guess she was his height...long hair...kind of light brown....didn't see her face until later....but he had the look of a winner on his face...as if he was proving a point...I couldn't figure out what it was though!! We never saw eye to eye...but at that moment I knew that he knows I am behind him and it felt he was creating a territorial motion!!

We come to the earth with our eyes and hearts wide open. We arrive with total trust and a willingness to be pleased. We expect every experience to make us happy. We are genuinely surprised if it doesn’t. Then, somehow, from somewhere, cynicism creeps in. We start to become jaded and world-weary. We learn to anticipate trouble. Trouble though, is never polite. It comes whether it is anticipated or not. And sometimes it seems to actively prefer visiting the places where it is being prepared for. This enthusiasm and optimism surely served me far more surprising than I ever expected!

Was I supposed to feel something? Is this where I should be upset...or jealous or god knows what...but I was surprised of how calm I was...don't get me wrong it is not like I felt nothing...I felt a rush of blood in my head...but then it felt like everything went away...it was just that one moment that i cast my eye on them and then when I turned away this whole thing went away...so I decided to stay away!

I guess it was just the feeling of lonely at that stage, I did need some one to tell me eveything is going to be ok...some one to tell me that today is not the end...and perhaps I was more concerned about the lack of that support...

It’s not what you do, it’s the way that you do it.” That’s what they tell us. Unfortunately, it’s not true. All too often, it absolutely IS what you do. The way that you do it has nothing to do with it. Style is irrelevant. Substance is everything.

duh......

Tomorrow, they tell us, never comes. Hah! That proves how little they know. Look! It has arrived. We are living in it. Just compare things to the way they were yesterday and notice how different they are. What does that tell us? That tells me all I need to know. The future is here. All it wants is for me and you to recognise it. It is waiting for a little respect and recognition. Which is interesting because that’s what we all seem to be waiting for too, well I am, don't know about you! Perhaps the two of us...me and the future ( since you are not among all.;) could make a pact. No more waiting. No more hanging around. Today offers all tomorrow could ever bring – same thing that there was yesterday and there is today and will be tomorrow!!!

It has been ages since I last updated this...well in fact haven't done anything with it since the first night i created it!! Ooops...!
Loads has happened since then and I don't even know where to start...it is strange how life flies by you and in the turns of the moments you catch yourself letting it go too...!! It it feels like a never ending adventure...an animated drama...Of course, if you don’t want a great adventure, you can just spend your whole life watching TV. As long as you have a chair to sit in and a remote control to press, what else could you require? Other, perhaps, than a life. Trouble is, when we set out to get a life, we invariably get a bit of tension to go with it. We find ourselves living out a soap-opera instead of just watching one. But even soap-operas have bright and happy story lines sometimes. So helloooooooooooooo...anyone out there...where is that script writer??? Wanna know the ending of this? May be i should buy one of those TV magazines that gives you the low down of sitcoms a week before each episode or something...that way i am perhaps more prepared for the surprises that might take me!!