So, where next? This is a rhetorical question. I neither expect an answer, nor do I intend to supply one...not that I can of course....If I don't already know where I am supposed to be goin.... will it ever become clear ? Maybe If I'd already known... then life wouldn't be the way it is today...perhas it's not a question of whether, it's a matter of when. 'Why' does not come into it. The only thing I really need to know is 'how'. Or maybe I already know....as you can see somewhere in the back of my mind, an alarm bell is ringing. I am used to living a life of challenge and drama, struggle and stress, adventure and surprise. When things get too comfortable, I begin to feel suspicious. Where's the catch? What's going to go suddenly wrong at any moment? What trick am I missing? ...ok ok..may be I should turn the bell off.... Even if it is right to alert me to the temporal nature of all things in this world?...are you saying where is the spirit of trust?....well....Have you ever been to the beach and misjudged the tide? One moment you are snoozing comfortably in your deckchair, the next you're racing round trying to save your book and radio from being washed away. It's simply not possible to rescue all your possessions. You have to grab the most important and let the others get wet...See that's the way things may turn out... and as the tide of 2004 comes sweeping in I am not sure what to feel....!!! Ok...I will turn the bell off...Ok I will be more optimistic...and ok...I will watch out for the 2003 not to hit me on the way out!!!

Happy New Year!

Why does sunshine come after rain? Why does daylight follow darkness? Perhaps because, presumably, the universe deems it necessary to give us a constant reminder of its changeable nature. First things are one way, then they are another. That's life. So why shouldn't things be picking up for us now?...ok for me... Heaven knows they've been tough enough for long enough.I'd feel happier if I could see why .... Of course...We all love explanations and of course... we don't always get them.....!!!

Although I have been seriously trying to avoid the pre-Christmas shopping madness...but I had to do it sometimes...and I have to admit...it was hell on earth trying to even walk among all those shoppers...thank god I only had to pick out a few things and then run for my life...

Don't get me wrong, I love the spirit of Christmas...that is if I can get into the spirit...this year i find it extra hard to do so, but trust me I am trying...I even sang along in the department store....

On the first day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
A partridge in a pear tree.

On the second day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

On the third day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

You must be familiar with the Christmas song, "The Twelve Days of Christmas" I think. For those of you who haven't heard it...well ....tough luck!!!! To most it's a delightful nonsense rhyme set to music. But my curiosity draw me to find out that it had actually a quite serious purpose when it was written, and it is a good deal more than just a repetitious melody with pretty phrases and a list of strange gifts.

The songs gifts are hidden meanings to the teachings of the faith. The "true love" mentioned in the song doesn't refer to an earthly suitor, it refers to God Himself. The "me" who receives the presents refers to every baptized person...and so on...I found that fascinating....well if you are more curious....read on...

The other symbols mean the following:

Turtle Doves = The Old and New Testaments
French Hens = Faith, Hope and Charity, the Theological Virtues
Calling Birds = the Four Gospels and/or the Four Evangelists
Golden Rings = The first Five Books of the Old Testament, the "Pentateuch", which gives the history of man's fall from grace.
Geese A-laying = the six days of creation
Swans A-swimming = the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit, the seven sacraments
Maids A-milking = the eight beatitudes
Ladies Dancing = the nine Fruits of the Holy Spirit
Lords A-leaping = the ten commandments
Pipers Piping = the eleven faithful apostles
Drummers Drumming = the twelve points of doctrine in the Apostle's Creed

so apparently it has nothing to do with love....it is all about faith! go figure...

Christmas isn't quite here yet. Those carol singers are just going through the motions. There may be a pseudo-Santa in every shopping mall, but the real Saint Nick hasn't even saddled up his reindeer. Every one seems to have the notion of some imminent festive miracle...But I really think we shouldn't take goodwill for granted... life is now full of promises...dreams which have yet to be fulfilled ....ummm I am still contemplating on that Christmas wish!

If you don't really care, how are you ever going to make anything happen? To obtain power, you must have passion. Yet if you care too much, how are you ever going to know where to draw the line? To obtain wisdom, you must have objectivity. Somehow, now, you have to balance a deep desire with an important inclination towards apathy. Then, when the moment is right, you will know it... and you will also know exactly what to do.

There's an old saying that I like, which is that luck is where preparation meets opportunity. All the work I am doing may not get exactly the results I am seeking. I may run into dead-ends (as u do!) and follow leads that go nowhere. But the energy I am expending is not being wasted...Maybe patience is actually the fear inside...but I like to call it the focus on what's moving rather than what's stuck. Perhaps if I feel my resources are limited, I should use them more wisely. Plenty that's being wasted could be used better...blah blah blah...I wish I could actually be as positive as I sound sometimes!

True friends allow us to grow. And they are the people we allow to grow and change. Most of the time, in authentic friendship there is neither room for judgment, nor the need for it. The beauty of this equation is that we can experience being self-assertive without fear of offending anyone. The world is big enough for everyone, and those who are committed to staying the same all the time contribute too little other than boredom.... But is it quite appropriate for us to be a different person every day if that's how we feel?

When people are resolutely who they are, that helps us be resolutely who we are. Of course, if we want to send people off cowering, we must be brave and direct. Yet how we respond in the face of someone's boldness and clarity is our choice, and this may even give us real opportunity to dance the tango rather than do the pussyfoot. Perhaps, deliberation and hesitation are not a flaw, as we so often remind the rest of us. Nobody is really all that certain of themselves. Life is a process, with the right attitude....

I was thinking...as I go through my day, who embraces me? I mean this literally. Who offers me a hug, who smiles when I walk into the room, and who leaves coffee on my desk? ...These are the people I want in my life (the last one is just an ironi..)... Ones who understand me intuitively, and who want consciously to make the world a softer, friendlier place for me...and them of course...ya ok...maybe I am one of those people who's not afraid to fight for what I know is right, and in so doing, I may miss the fact that I am truly supported by many with whom I would never, ever need to argue...but it would be nice to know...there is someone who would sit with you and just hold your hand when you feel like crying...someone to give you a hug when you are tired and cold and need some warmth...someone...to make you smile when you think of them!

I feel like screaming to myself, 'What about me?' When would it be my turn ... But...maybe there's no use in pushing for it until the time is right...

...feels like I am reaching the point where I could lose patience... from one angle, it looks as if the whole world is trying to block me....

I am not in the mood to be told what to do but I can't avoid being influenced by other people's mood... everything seems to get to me...the cold...the rain...the sound of the rain...the footsteps...the footsteps in my dreams...

Any fool can turn a blind eye to reality. It takes a special kind of idiot, though, to ignore a dream. I am just not that crazy…Yet!!! I cannot possibly forget about the great hope I hold so dear. Maybe it is just a fantasy but, I feel an overwhelming urge to pursue it. That very slight chance of success is enough to put fire in my belly and enthusiasm in my heart. I may or may not be about to get what I want, but I know at least I may discover that trying for it is rewarding in its own right. As highs get higher and lows get lower. My energy, too, tends to come and go in dramatic ways. One moment I feel full of beans, the next, full of lethargy and exhaustion. Under some strange influence I easily become disconsolate or disheartened. It gets very difficult to see anything in the proper perspective. As I think about what's making me nervous, anxious or restless, I feel maybe ....perhaps it is less of a threat than I fear...
I thought about ..."Life is what happens to us while we are busy making other plans." ...maybe it's fine to have an unfulfilled ambition, as long as we feel okay about the fact that we have not yet reached our goal. If, though, something makes us anxious or unhappy every time we think about it, we need to change our relationship with it. Then maybe I should try letting go whatever it is I feel so inclined to cling on to. Maybe, that's all I need to do. And, if I really can't? …Or maybe I should just stop planning and just ...!!!

Is it not true that sometimes, the best way to find something we are looking for is to look for something else instead? Mainly because When our attention is too closely fixed on one item, we lose the ability to see the whole of our situation from a distance!!! ...I guess sometimes standing back seems inappropriate...But it's only when we do, that we realise how much more clearly we could have been seeing things.

ummmm...I seem to have brilliant insights....only if I would stop trying quite so hard to control everything!!!

Intelligence tests often require people to solve a puzzle in a short space of time. This explains why those who consistently score high on the IQ scale, are so stupid. In real life, what counts is not how quickly we can sort out a problem but how completely. People with genuine intelligence won't watch the clock whilst tackling a task. They'll just give it as much as it takes, for as long as it takes. Perhaps we don't need to be smart...It is far more important just to be sincere!!!

Life, lately, has begun to resemble one of those crazy, students-for-charity challenges: where people dress in strange costumes and then attempt to run up slippery slopes whilst juggling eggs and singing the National Anthem. It has had that same edge of near-impossibility although, it has not been quite so amusing. I have had to concentrate hard, just to avoid falling flat on my face. The pressure doesn't seem to ease off...but I feel I am more relaxed despite that....May be I have actually won my race...!!! ummmm

It's easy to have a relationship with someone you don't actually know. Casual comments exchanged with semi-strangers can create an appealing illusion of intimacy. Imagined interactions with distant celebrities can produce a similarly deceptive air of ease. Yet two real people in honest communication will invariably encounter tension. A difficult dialogue is the reason to persevere, not a justification for abandoning a worthwhile challenge. Once you start reading between the lines, you can end up forgetting where the lines actually go. You can become so obsessed with the lines between the lines between the lines, that the obvious eludes you forever more. One person's reality is someone else's fantasy. How then, are any of us ever able to gain a valid objective perspective? The answer, of course, is that we can't achieve this... (Perhaps an easy answer… but do you have a better one??)…but it doesn't matter…because perhaps it is safer to trust our hunch…that gut feeling…butterflies don’t just start up for no reason…surely that is how I like to think!

Just imagine what we could do if we had a time-machine? We would not need to actually travel. It would be quite sufficient to send our self messages back through the years. We could warn our self to avoid a particular pitfall, or make a wiser investment; or listen out, for our own voice echoing down the corridor of time from the future. What is the Me of tomorrow trying to tell the Me of today?

But you see that is just an illusion...in reality things carry on in the same old way, for month after month. Seasons change a little and characters in the TV soap operas come and go. That's how we know time is passing. All hope of a much-needed change, though, remains drearily distant. We crave for, one faint whisper on the wind to trigger an avalanche of excitement. We wait eagerly for the impossible to starts looking possible...for an astronomic shift maybe...whatever...but certainly a change!

Reality is up for grabs... one man's reality is another's fantasy !!!

All these years I used to think that Time is all that passes. It was as if I was the dropes of the sand clock, droping from a time to another. Time was falling over me and crossing pass by me, and another day was being born and another day. And in the effort to forget this belief, some where down the line I forgot myself. In the little notes in my diary, In anniversaries that don't exist anymore...June, July and August....and I was searching for the distances....

My distance from the past...distance from you....safe distances...and I lost myself in between the days that weren't marked in my diary and distances that no matter how long but the pain wasn't getting any less. And I forgot myself. I got here. I don't know when, I don't know how, I don't know why...! Here...distance is meaningless...this moment is peaceful....this moment is full of me...there is nothing here...nothing but me.

Ayeneii bar ayeneat migozaram....ta az to abadiati besazam!

Vojoode to Moamaeest iman.....ke tahghighash fosoon asto fasane!

I don't have time to sleep...
I don't have time to chat...
I don't have time to go to the doctor...
I don't have time to take a bath...
I don't have time to study...
I don't have time to eat...
I don't have time to get married...
I don't have time to fast...
I don't have time to shop...
I don't have time to go to the gym...
I don't have time to finish my project...
I don't have time to look for a job...
I don't have time to write on my blog...
.
.
.
Can some one tell me what the hell am I doing all day?