29 Nov 02
There is always something!

Is it true that, “You always hurt the one you love?” That explains everything. No wonder we have been taught that you should “love your enemy.” And, as we are all but powerless to inflict harm on the people we dislike, we should surely learn to loathe our loved ones. Then, we can never cause them pain. Er... that’s logical isn’t it? Have you ever find it hard to be close to a particular person. The emotional intensity of a tricky situation makes you feel inclined to walk away. But, there is a drawback to drawing back. And anyway, can you?!

A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. A sack full though, makes it come right back up again. Or else it brings the onset of diabetes! We have to be careful with sweeteners. They may attract us, but they also distract us from important realities. They make it all too easy for us to believe what we want to believe until, that is, the sugar coating wears off. Then, we can be left with a taste that is all the more bitter for the contrast. Do we need to try and train our palate to savour the true flavour of a certain situation? It is not exactly sweet but is it as sour as we fear?

Some of us love to have problems. We like having something to complain about and blame our unhappiness on. We fear that if we didn’t have a difficulty, there would have be no explanation for our melancholy mood. And then we really would have a problem! This doesn’t suggest that our problems are necessarily self creating nor would I dream of implying a slight tendency towards exaggeration but if we just care to look out, there is always going to be something. Always. And there is always going to be someone. Always. Almost always the someone and the something will be closely connected. Either the someone will have caused the something or they will have been charged with the job of clearing it up. Or both. Too often for comfort, we find ourselves sorting out trouble of our own creation. But why bother? Is it the love thing?

The things we do for love! We go to great lengths, we put ourselves in positions that we would never accept under normal circumstances. If we ever regret this for a moment, we open frightening floodgates. We allow a torrent of self-criticism to come rushing into our lives. We start to be drowning in a rising river of doubt. We question what we already have done. And fear the future. And look for a reason to feel confident.

Have you ever tried to create a total blackout? It takes a lot of doing. You need a heavy curtain for every window - taped into place so that light cannot leak in from the sides. Unless it is dark outside, you will find it surprisingly difficult to eradicate all illumination. At first, you will think you have done it. But as your eyes become more sensitive, you will start to notice more and more chinks in the defence. Hard though it is to shut out light, it is ten times harder to shut out hope - and impossible to keep it out forever. We need something to help us to see a bright shaft of inspiration. But where? What?

It is said that our anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strengths. Ok, I take your word for this , or whoever who said this, but can someone tell me how to get rid of this? How to escape the doubt? How to skip the black out scene and where to see the light?
Is this the courtesy of comparison? Should we not look at what anyone else is thinking, feeling, saying or doing!? Shall we look only at what’s in our heart? Then, we will be happy indeed?

I used to believe the theory of comparison, no matter what you have, as long as you are happy with what you have then you have it all. But what are the rules? How do we define happy? Are we ever content for what we have? Or as human beings we always urge for more and want what we don’t have or we can’t have?

Isn’t love supposed to bring you happiness? Isn’t it supposed to fulfil all your needs and help you become one with your soul and what/who you love? But why is it so painful? Why does it ache so badly that even with the strongest blackouts, and no matter where you run, it haunts you and presses your heart so hard?

Shouldn’t we as rational species, believe that if we can’t have something we should just move on? So why it is that it hurts more when you are near something you want and you can’t have? Why can’t you just simply reach out and take it? Are we made for creating complications? Making complexities and fear the reality that if we take the risk we might actually feel happy? Life’s truly problematic puzzles involve issues of unquantifiable emotion or impossible paradox. Questions like, “how do you really feel?” Or, “If, right now, you could go back in time and change the past, would you still want to go back in time and change the past ?”

I guess I for one would never know the answer to that. My curtain has been pulled so tight that the last shed of light just disappeared with the denial of love couldn’t possibly exist in the same road of happiness.

I close my eyes and try to skip the dilemma for today and decide I will take care of that problem tomorrow. Or, to put it all another way, some things are best not thought about.