All these years I used to think that Time is all that passes. It was as if I was the dropes of the sand clock, droping from a time to another. Time was falling over me and crossing pass by me, and another day was being born and another day. And in the effort to forget this belief, some where down the line I forgot myself. In the little notes in my diary, In anniversaries that don't exist anymore...June, July and August....and I was searching for the distances....

My distance from the past...distance from you....safe distances...and I lost myself in between the days that weren't marked in my diary and distances that no matter how long but the pain wasn't getting any less. And I forgot myself. I got here. I don't know when, I don't know how, I don't know why...! Here...distance is meaningless...this moment is peaceful....this moment is full of me...there is nothing here...nothing but me.

Ayeneii bar ayeneat migozaram....ta az to abadiati besazam!

Vojoode to Moamaeest iman.....ke tahghighash fosoon asto fasane!

I don't have time to sleep...
I don't have time to chat...
I don't have time to go to the doctor...
I don't have time to take a bath...
I don't have time to study...
I don't have time to eat...
I don't have time to get married...
I don't have time to fast...
I don't have time to shop...
I don't have time to go to the gym...
I don't have time to finish my project...
I don't have time to look for a job...
I don't have time to write on my blog...
.
.
.
Can some one tell me what the hell am I doing all day?

I can't help thinking do I really have a choice? Am I not just a victim of circumstance? Has not destiny already decided where my future lies? It is easy to look at situations and feel daunted by it...I know. It's true, isn't it...it is beyond our immediate influence..."but if we take a longer view, there's plenty of reason to feel hopeful"...I have been told! May I end with blah blah...because frankly I can't be bothered to argue or reason right now...cats to feed, dogs to buy, final projects to complete...and jobs to find!

'There's always someone worse off than you are.' That's what some people say when they want to cheer us up. Oh yes. Very inspiring, I'm sure. What? We are supposed to feel better just because someone else is feeling worse? Surely, we ought to be looking at the folk who are better off than we are, and then asking them what their secret is!!!!

We all have wish lists. Often, these run into several pages. Dreams, hopes, desires, fancies and fantasies. These ideas play a part in shaping our attitude to life but they are not always as influential as we might like to think. Only the wishes at the very top of the very first page are truly powerful. By and large, in life, we end up getting whatever we happen to be prioritising the most. But sometimes we feel lost and wonder what's at the top of our agenda? And why is it there?
and when we don't have the answer to a crucial question like that, everything is a nuisance. We don't just have to keep watching our backs, we have to watch our fronts and our sides too. For if we don't really know what's going on, we don't know which direction to look warily. It is though, far better to be in a state of honest doubt than false certainty.

Trick or treat? And can I be sure that I know the difference? Sometimes, we help ourselves too eagerly to items that it might be far wiser to leave on the shelf. Sometimes too, we are unnecessarily suspicious of great gifts. Perhaps, before I can decide with any degree of reliable clarity, whether I am being helped, hindered, treated or tricked, I have to make my own mind up about what I really want!!? There's really no need for a pointy hat. The cloak is a dreadful affectation. Today's witches and wizards wear Jaeger and Armani. Their cauldrons are laptops and their familiars are mobile phones. Well... maybe. It's funny though, how much importance we place on outfit and uniform. If we dress a part, we find it easier to play. Shakespeare was right to say that all the world's a stage. We are all method actors upon it. I feel for a need to cast a spell now, I guess if I just believe that I can, then I will, or is it that I need to break one? ummm....tricky situation....

"Hubble, bubble, toil and trouble..." It's a shame really, that I can't just open up some dusty old spell book and, after a quick trip to the local supply store for some eye of newt and wing of bat, mutter an incantation over a cauldron. Or maybe I can. It is, after all, Hallowe'en. Then again. Maybe I don't need to. Perhas we all have the ability to work magic without any need for ritual or artifice...as folks say...perhaps it is true what they say; All you really need to do is summon up your willpower and wish.

http://www.iranian.com/Nikoo/2003/October/World/index.html

What is the world coming to?

Standing on the platform so that the big man in front of me would be my rain shield, I had another glance at my watch…umm so much for leaving work early. It is typical really; the day you leave earlier you are bound to get home even later, thanks to today’s life of luxury…train, planes and water buses… now adays everything seems to have come out of a James bond movie. Apart from the fact that in an actual bond movie you don’t see people squatated (squashed and irritated!). I can now completely sympathise with the poor sardines in that little flat box.

Something is vibrating in my pocket and thank god it is not the fat guy who smells of cheap bear and chips. I have 5 text messages, 3 of which require my immediate presence at my PC. Had another look at my watch and completely gave up on ever getting home tonight. There is a pregnant woman standing next to me that surprisingly is still standing after all that pondering the others gave her while getting off. I thought to myself, what is the world coming to, I can see everyone is probably too busy noticing because ‘us’ being Londoner’s and the ‘English etiquett’e having rubbed on us, are too busy looking up from our paper to notice that maybe some one else is in need of that seat than we are. Oh well … I can see the metro’s headline now, with a picture of David Blaine, looking not very happy. Who would be after 44 days of air and a number of serious assaults and all those eggs all around Tower Bridge. It is clear that David Blaine went through a very deep, intense experience in that Perspex box. He took a trip more powerful than any drug could ever induce. Would any of us properly understand what he went through? How can we? We may have been able to watch him but we could not feel what he was feeling. How deeply any of us truly empathise with each other is a moot point.

We live in a world that every so often we wonder who listens when we talk? It is a strange thing really, this is a world full of people who never shut up, yet we are all constantly addressing an inattentive audience. Folk pretend to be interested in other folk. They make the right noises and go through the motions, but they never really hear each other because they are all too busy thinking about what they are going to say next. How many times have you tried to make a point to a certain person? And have only heard a very calculated reply which no matter how calculated hasn’t taken account of your question at all? In this day and age things are so mechanical and yet it all seems too normal.

Oh here comes another text message; just as was beginning to think totally disintegrated and lonely on this planet.

Having gone through the past few years of watching most of my close friends getting married, starting to have babies, and second kids, and moving house, and moving to other countries, I have now become immune to any other surprises. What is the world coming to?

This is the world that SMS and MSN Messenger seem to be leading the era of communication. We don’t see each other anymore or we don’t have time to sit down for coffee and talk. Instead we chat on line or reply to each others text messages and emails and that is suppose to justify the fact that we are in touch with our friends. Perhaps we are all too busy with life, our husbands and kids and perhaps it has something to do with the fact that the virtual world is extended so that we don’t actually live up the road from each other, but in another country or even another continent, but it all feels so close that the only thing that brings you back to the reality of where you are is when you want to reach out and hold someone’s hand…but there isn’t anything in reach.
What is the world coming to?

We live in an instant, just-add-water, push-a-button, microwaveable-in-under-three-minutes, zap-the-remote-control-and-see-the-war-before-your-very-eyes kind of a world. Not everything about it is good. Too often, we lose our appreciation for essential natural processes that need to happen slowly. We look for ways to hurry them just as we look for ways to depersonalise the injustices that we can see yet seemingly cannot influence. We end up feeling remote. And we end up looking desperately for something to put us right back in touch with the nicest part of reality.

A friend of mine is going to Sweden on a date!!! Why did that not surprise me…because everyone seems to have started to build these remote relationships, from Iran to North America and Scandinavia, nothing comes as a shock anymore; Is it so hard to find the guy/girl next door these days as the love of your life? Or just meet people you want to spend time with in the way people use to do it? What is the world coming to?

Some people keep strange pets. Spiders, snakes and large ferocious beasts. The rest of us may wonder what on earth they see in them, but then, hey... we could say the same about a lot of people's husbands. Psychologists claim that all this just proves how subjective most emotional experiences are. They work, mainly, because we so badly want them to work. If we tried hard enough, we could probably persuade ourselves that even a stone loved us back. Could this be the reason for all this remoteness? Could this be why I see people around me to try so hard to find someone that fits, no matter where in the world they maybe? Because we can fool ourselves with the notion that in this day an age distance is nothing, because you can have breakfast in Paris and dinner in New York….or the other way around…I don’t know, but the point is, isn’t the distance a problem anymore? If we can’t get a relationship work here at home how is a long distance one guaranteed to work? Or is this another one of those risks we seem to pleasantly agree to take in life?

What happened to the good old times, of walking to work, meeting someone for breakfast? When grocery shopping was simple and you could use it as an excuse to go for a walk instead of clicking a button and ordering your milk and toast online?

What happened to friendships and the days we used to sit down for coffee in the afternoon and giggle away without realising it is getting dark and it has been hours since you first got in the little cosy place you always meet your friends.

I guess we all got sucked in into a system. Into a river that flows. In the story of The Emperor's New Clothes, a little boy punctured the illusion. He piped up in an innocent voice, 'Look, he isn't wearing anything'. There were gasps of horror from the crowd as they realised that what the kid said was true. But that was a fairy-tale. In reality, whenever anyone makes a similar observation, they are simply accused of being unpatriotic. Often too, they are persecuted for daring to swim against the tide. Perhaps it is that fear that got us all in the way that we are?

Or perhaps, it is innovation, or maybe it is neither and I am just getting old and life is changing around me and I find it hard to cope with the speed of things. Perhaps I am looking for a solution to get out of the corporate world that I have been sucked into in the name of career and success which keeps me away from all the little things I want to do which has nothing to do with cars and microwaves and laptops and broadband. I bet you if I look closely, or search on google I would probably find an advert that says:

'Welcome to Solutions R Us. Other emporiums are full from floor to ceiling with commodities to purchase. You will notice if you look around here though, that the building is empty. Our solutions are not just invisible, they are non-existent. That's because we don't believe in keeping stock because we have no off-the-shelf supplies. Nor are they tailor-made. The idea is that you walk in and hang around until inspiration strikes you. Then, you go away with a solution you have created all by yourself. Our success rate is 100 per cent. Give us a try today.'

What is the world coming to?

Someone once said to me how come you never write about happy stuff...'Writting about happiness can only be done by really good writers', I thought to myself.

Ready, steady... stop! Sometimes, when we set off on a journey, we experience this phenomenon. We race to get everything packed and then hurry to our point of embarkation. Finally, excitedly, we get aboard the vehicle. And then we hear the announcement. 'We apologise for the short delay but...' There's a sense in which I can now relate to that situation. I seem to have moved so much, set such a lot in motion and severed so many ties, and hence I am expecting to take a big step forward... It hasn't quite happened yet, but lets hope that it will!

Let me tell you a story. Actually, it is a story about a story. Now, this story has two sides, as all stories do. And there is a story attached to each of those two sides. And that story too, also has two sides. Are you keeping track? That's a lot of sides... and a lot of stories. Plus, of course, this is a story about a story. So there are another two sides. Confused? That's healthy. It is the folk who try to pretend that everything is straightforward that we really need to worry about. I guess my s big story is really about one question. Where is it all going? Why am I where I am and how the hell is it ever going to end...that is ironic....because I haven have trouble looking for when did it all Start...Maybe I should suggest one of those books with two side of the story in a shadow...you know that he said...she said...type of stories...!!! ummmm

Thinking about how it all ends... lets take baby tiger cubs...they are so cute. It is hard to believe, when you look at them, that they are going to grow into such ferocious beasts. Yet the laws of nature are immutable. Nothing in this world can stay the same forever. Nor, really, can we consider ourselves entitled to complain that the change has not been for the good. It may not suit us to see kittens turning into big cats. But the tigers are more than happy with the arrangement. Surely there will be growth in situations but how do we trust it, or keep in control? I don't suppose fear or resentment is the answer...but I can't help being scared....ya to some extent we cannot help getting wiser as we get older. Experience invariably teaches us something. Yet there are various subtle ways in which we can prevent ourselves from becoming as enlightened as we should. We may, for example, refuse to digest life's lessons properly. We may grow overly embittered or sceptical. There's absolutely nothing wise about that, regardless of how justified it may seem to be. As it seems I have no option than to do what is truly wise...stop over analysing the hell out of situations and just take it day by day!

We can't always wear our heart on our sleeve. Can we? Indeed, we are adept at pretending that all is fine even when we are concerned. Many of our companions have a similar capacity to disguise their emotions. The empathy that leads us at some level, to choose each other may even have been partly based on this shared ability. If we really need to know where someone stands, perhaps it is easier to begin by deciding what we feel and saying as much. It's risky... but not as risky as saying nothing. And it should draw a clear reply. Even if it is body language...but then again...It is interesting that the features on a human face designed for the reception of information come in pairs. Most people have two eyes and ears. We are equipped with just a single primary transmission device, or if you prefer plain English... a mouth! The symbolic inference is that we need to be able to see two sides to every situation and hear two sides to every argument, but we are only physically designed to tell one story at a time. I guess we ought to be sensitive to others points of view, but do we alter our own depending on others feelings? Or do we trust what we feel and have inevitably made a commitment to?

We can't always wear our heart on our sleeve. Can we? Indeed, we are adept at pretending that all is fine even when we are concerned. Many of our companions have a similar capacity to disguise their emotions. The empathy that leads us at some level, to choose each other may even have been partly based on this shared ability. If we really need to know where someone stands, perhaps it is easier to begin by deciding what we feel and saying as much. It's risky... but not as risky as saying nothing. And it should draw a clear reply. Even if it is body language...but then again...It is interesting that the features on a human face designed for the reception of information come in pairs. Most people have two eyes and ears. We are equipped with just a single primary transmission device, or if you prefer plain English... a mouth! The symbolic inference is that we need to be able to see two sides to every situation and hear two sides to every argument, but we are only physically designed to tell one story at a time. I guess we ought to be sensitive to others points of view, but do we alter our own depending on others feelings? Or do we trust what we feel and have inevitably made a commitment to?

The weather is amazing for October... I took a walk in Hyde Park yesterday...I guess it was good to have sometime to myself...I felt afresh afterwards. But I am back where I was again...perhaps even in a less entertaining place...You may have heard the recent news that the universe is now flat. And you might have wondered what on earth that meant, seeing as it's quite clearly not the case. Actually 'flat' is shorthand for saying that if you set off in a straight line you'll keep going instead of ending up where you started. But I am still confused about that...

The course of domestic affairs seems to be coloured by misunderstandings, misplaced idealism and imaginary problems. I Don't normally take confusing mishaps too seriously, because I know I would never find my way out of a tangle if I let it bother me...but sometimes even I get distracted from the straight line and just want to take a break on the side walk...today for one I really want to sit down there and have myself a good cry...!

Actions may well speak louder than words. But if they are not accompanied by some form of verbal explanation, they are likely to be misunderstood. It is not just, 'good to talk' it is essential. Yet, if all we do is talk, we won't get very much done. Perhaps, a balance needs to be struck. Plan cleverly and communicate clearly as they say. Fair enough, but isn't it true that, in the end, nothing is ever quite so persuasive as a definitive gesture?!

Empty is the sky before the sun wakes up.
Empty is the eyes of animals in cages.
Empty, faces of women mourning
When everything's been taken from them.
Me, don't ask me about empty.


Empty is a string of dirty days
Held together by some rain.
And the cold winds drumming at the trees again.
Empty is the color of the fear
Long about September when the days
Go marching in a line toward November.
Empty is the hour before sleep chills you every night
And pushes you to take me away from every kind of light.
Empty is me. Empty is me.
Frank Sinatra

I got this as the response to the post on Thursday 2nd of October, thought it is interesting for you to read it too;

-----Original Message-----
From: Phil Taylor
Sent: 10 October 2003 15:50
To: Nikoo
Subject: Re: Hello

Oh! I can see the problem. Tell your Mum that there are a lot of really good guys out there without a qualification to there name, but full of fire and ambition and passion, who would make ideal husbands/partners; and there are a lot of guys with PhDs who cannot live in the real world. That a marriage is made of complementary and compatible emotional and intellectual states, with a huge dose of really good friendship and a lot of patience and understanding.

These qualities are not determined by the apparent show of 'intelligence' determined by being able to say 'Ive got a PhD'.

You can tell her I said so. :p

T

>>> “Nikoo” 10/10/2003 12:44:31 >>>

No she doesn't want me to get a PhD...well she does kind of...but the
whole argument is about the guy I am going to marry (if ever)...which
according to her must have a PhD +....!!! :(

Regards,



-----Original Message-----
From: Phil Taylor
Sent: 10 October 2003 11:50
To: Nikoo
Subject: Re: Hello


Hi Missy.

Hope you are keeping well otherwise. Been to anymore European
cities/other travels? And how's the MBA? Is this what your Mum is
nagging about? Or does she want you to do even more PhD?

PT

Is there no sense of ceremony left in the world? Are we all now inured to drama by the TV and the Internet? It often seems, as if we live in a 'so what?' society. There just isn't as much magic around as there used to be. Or perhaps there is and, it's just that we have to look for it a little harder. No great opportunity is about to bow down before us and offer to make itself our slave.. ya maybe....and perhaps if we tend to saddle-up our horse and ride out through the ranch of possibility, we may yet manage to lasso one quietly and bring it home behind us....ya right....certainly NOT...

Have you ever cut yourself realising that you are living one big dream and it is as if you are suddenly woken up and realised that nice feeling you had is just momentarily and would never be real...!? But you really try to go back to that state and carry on with that dream because that feels better than the reality that you have to face with?

I was going to write about this couple I met last weekend...trust me it would have been interesting...but I have this daunting flu which doesn't go away and quite frankly I have lost the plot and can't remember what was so interesting about them that I was planning to write about...so excuse me as I blab along among a series of coughs and sneezes....and huffs and puffs as they say…!!!

I was reviewing a conversation I had with a friend yesterday, as I drove home, I thought to myself some of us chase challenges. Others queue up to watch horror films or to ride roller coasters. They seek the thrill of fear, the excitement of stress or the engagement of being up against an intense difficulty. It's a shame really, that I can't 'rent out' my current situation. Someone, somewhere, would probably love to be in it, if only for the sense of 'edge' that it supplies. No seriously...I am not complaining...don't get me wrong...just wondering when I get to relax...when would the tension resolve itself ? ....soon I hope.