Do any of us really know ourselves? For a while, of course, we think we do. But then something will happen. Our circumstances will change and we will realise that there are aspects of our own personality that we never knew existed. Sometimes, we will discover talents that we never knew we had. Sometimes, we will encounter fears that we had previously been unaware of. If we can surprise ourselves, it is no wonder that others can also surprise us. I am now starting to see a certain person in a new light. Whether it proves a highly inspiring discovery I don't know!

Goldfish, we are told, have a very short memory span. That's how they can cope with being cooped up in a tiny tank. It's a nice idea but it doesn't explain why koi carp, in more natural circumstances, can find their way to and from locations many miles apart. The notion of such speedy forgetfulness is probably wishful thinking. How great it would be if only we could blot out awkward memories of the past! I am not asking for a chance to wipe the slate clean and begin again. I do, though, ask for the ability to look at what's on that slate from a different perspective.

Only in history books do new eras dawn on particular days. In reality, they gradually make their presence felt. We can point back to a drama or a crisis and say, “This was the turning point.” But at the time it is happening, there is always a degree of overlap. The past does not conveniently get out of the future's way. The old tries to mix and merge with the new. To the casual observer or even to the eye of the person with a strong vested interest, it can be hard to see whether an innovation is just a flash in the pan or a true sign of things to come. I can't decide what I really feel or think about recent intense developments. But that’s probably because a trend is not yet well established. Maybe I should give it more time.

I looked back at the years that have passed...and today...

June 9th 1988 First time I thought I fell in love
June 9th 1989 moved to a new country...not just a new school
June 9th 1993 High School Graduation
June 9th 1999 University Graduation,
Those 3 little words that say more than a picture ( I love u!)
June 9th 2000 His Graduation
June 9th 2001 Closed a big chapter of my life...end of an era perhaps

Today June 9th 2003, the UK is going to join the Euro or maybe Not, and I guess that is the only important thing that could mark this day...because I am planning to close the thought of the importance of this day!! Some things need to be erased...Some people too!

Why do we need enemies? Perhaps we don't. Perhaps it is quite sufficient merely to have a particular type of friend! Some people, through kindness or innocence, can create drama by the bucketful. They can also generate plenty of difficulty and leave us feeling extremely challenged. When we have such friends, we, may not be particularly likely to enjoy an easy life but it is less likely that we will have a lot of opponents. Aggressive conflict only tends to come to folk whose regular companions don't question them enough. There's little chance of that now! Someone in my world is taking a lot of energy and concentration. It seems like a drama that continues to intensify this week but I have a feeling its ultimate outcome will be beneficial to all. I tend to ignore it and just focus on one particular aspect at the moment that has taken over my mind at the moment...maybe I will stop planning ahead and just enjoy the day too!

Leili said something interesting today...after the trail of text messages of which I could hardly get my head around, as I was in a complete different universe today, I guess the bulk of the matter was that : "you only feel alone when you are not there for your self!"....

They say, "You can't judge a book by looking at its cover." But as a matter of fact, these days, you can. Book-jacket designers everywhere strive tirelessly to assure an instant, accurate association, between the images on the front and the words within. Books we can consider quite safe to purchase on a whim at the checkout, but we would be pretty silly to consider that people are quite so transparent. We can't judge a soul by the body it happens to be living in. We can't judge the kindness of the heart from the sharpness of the intellect. Perhaps it is wrong of me to make assumptions, perhaps I should make inquiries instead. If I don't actually ask for what I want, then when I get it and it turns out to be not quite what I was hoping for, I can blame someone else. Or, at least, I can feel entitled to reject it. This is more or less the reason why I am always so careful about expressing a preference. Plus, of course, fear of disappointment as nothing in life is more painful than rejection. Maybe a good way of avoiding the experience is to pretend that there’s nothing I want to ask for! ....Sometimes, it is better to have a gap in life than to fill the time with an unsatisfactory activity. The wrong kind of something can be a lot more harmful than the right kind of nothing! There comes a point though, where we are better off making any move than none. Even if we create a problem, we can then set about clearing that problem up. Whereas, if we just hang around waiting, it may be ages before any change occurs. I shouldn't really need to think about this...or perhaps I should? I am by nature a participant, not an observer. Oddly though, I now seem to be thinking too much about a matter that is perhaps best responded to instinctively...... I don't want to do that to myself now. I sit here and think, for a moment, about the very best thing I could possibly get...but is it available? Perhaps, I should tell myself "don't poke it. Don’t scratch it. Don’t fiddle with it in any way. Just leave it alone." ...perhaps that is the best advise I can give myself....let things happen and don't be scared...give it a chance and stop thinking of what might be!!!

There are experts all around. We only have to pick up the paper or turn on the TV. Indeed, often we need not make even that much effort. We can hear voices of consummate confidence just by listening to the friends who have an opinion about everything or the family members who know it all. How lucky we are to be surrounded by such clever characters. And what about us? Are we experts too? Do we know a thing or two? Does our own experience count for anything? Right now, my perspective doesn't seem just relevant, it seems essential, indeed. I feel I have the power to make an enormous difference. Trust myself? I guess I should.....

We all want to stay cool, calm and in control. We fancy ourselves as the strong, silent type. We want to be able to take everything in our stride. Yet happily, this is one fancy none of us can fulfil for any length of time. We have emotions. Wild, powerful, passionate urges and impulses that race through our hearts and minds. They cause endless trouble, but at least they prove that we are real human beings – not robots or Vulcans. For some strange reason, I now feel inclined to apologise for the way I feel. Perhaps I shoudn't!! I am fully entitled to the experience – and perhaps I should trust it. It is giving me a headache...you know, sometimes, when you wake up from a particularly intense dream, there's a sense of sadness. Likewise, when a good movie ends or an enjoyable book hits the final chapter. We don't want to return to reality. We are keen to prolong the fantasy. Lots of people strive to lead their whole lives in a state of delusion. They will go to almost any lengths to keep up a pretence. This is all fine during times of disappointment and deprivation. We may as well create an alternate world for ourselves if the real one is sadly lacking. But I have been dreaming for too long and right now, I seem to have an amazing, real-life opportunity. Maybe I am getting my wake-up call!? There is this voice in my head that tells me " Don't resent it – just leap up gratefully and seize what's on offer."....But the catch is...I have trouble seeing what is happening!!!

When things change in my world, they change suddenly. The build-up may be gradual but the moment of truth comes from nowhere and establishes itself at the speed of greased-lightning. The whole thing is rather like watching a balloon being blown up to the point where it finally pops. It often seems amazing how much energy or air can be absorbed. I keep thinking, something has surely got to give soon but it doesn't. And then, the point of no return is brief. What's coming up for me? Liberation! The imminent, instant end of a struggle I feared would go on forever?

Perfection is not easily attained. Indeed, there are some who might argue, that it is totally unattainable. No human being can create it. It exists only in nature. This, of course, does not stop many others from striving. Yet perhaps, we are trying for the wrong thing. Perhaps, instead of wrestling to create perfection we should be learning how to recognise and appreciate it. Perhaps we are too quick to see imperfection all around us. I may not be able to do much to improve a difficult situation but perhaps I can do plenty to alter the way I look at it!!

"All the world's a stage." said Shakespeare. But then, he was a professional dramatist. Is it really true? Are we all merely players? Or was he exaggerating? Certainly, we all play many parts. Life requires us to act out roles – especially if we are to take our responsibilities seriously. Although, while we are doing this, we do not see ourselves as pretending, this may be just because the part requires us to throw ourselves into it, body and soul. This weekend I got to see a new script in which I was cast as a very different character. Whether it proves to be highly rewarding or highly disappointing is something only time can answer!

People have a love/hate relationship with change. Some claim to want it, but resist it when it actually arrives. Others insist they are happy with everything just as it is. Secretly though, they are always planning revolutions. Change is rather like beer or blue cheese. More often than not, we must learn to like it. It grows on us slowly. Yet after a while, we develop an addiction. A return to the old way seems unthinkable. We just want more and more of the new. Bearing all this in mind, we can look at the dramas and disappointments that unfolds around us. To answer the question, "Is there a problem?"...perhaps the best fit answer would be "Only if you think there is! Only if you can't see round the next corner to the corner beyond."... The journey we embark can be the one we will never regret making! or the complete opposite...but i guess life is all about taking risks after all!

Some people insist that the word "impossible" is not in their dictionary. It IS in mine but the definition is a little different. Most people use this word to describe the reason why something cannot be done. To me, it describes the reason why other people think something cannot be done! I suppose there are many reasons why I might decide not to do something, I may conclude that a task is likely to prove unrewarding. Or dull. Or too time-consuming. But I suppose the art is not to be put off by a small matter like impossibility and it is important to make sure, that I keep my standards nice and high!

Lots of people seem to think that we are each on this earth to learn a lesson. Even i say that sometimes just to make myself feel better after disappointments...But if that's the case, where's the blackboard? And the timetable? And ought there not to be exams every so often? Maybe the lesson is that there is no lesson to learn! Maybe the point is that there is no point! Maybe we are here, not to achieve or understand anything, but simply to appreciate and enjoy the magic of it all. And maybe all we need to learn is how to be happy even when we are not quite getting what we think we want.

Is life really offering us a gift which we must learn to try and accept it gracefully? If so....can I choose my gift paper!?

it's funny how certain scenarios crop up time and time again. No matter where we go or what we do, we find ourselves experiencing the same old needs. We get hungry for food, love or excitement. We require reassurance about money, love or health. We grow desperate for sleep, love or support. Some items crop up on every list! Will there ever come a day when we can satisfy every need? Of course not! But a day when our heart feels so full that it simply has no room in it for stress? Maybe.......just maybe!

You can't put a price on a daydream. But to give you some idea of comparative value, consider this. Hollywood blockbusters can easily cost more than 100 million dollars to make. They last only a couple of hours and just cannot compete with the images you can conjure in your mind’s eye at any time. A personal vision can provide a lifetime of entertainment and distraction. It can be endlessly reshot and re-edited. It never grows old. Why be in such a hurry to get "back down to earth?"...My big idea is precious to me and, to me and indeed only to me it has a lot more resonance with reality than one might think!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

People often speak about going "on a journey of self-discovery." They make it sound like a trip to the shops. "Oh, I am just setting out on a personal quest... save me some supper if I'm late back ." In reality, such expeditions last forever. The "self" is not some finite thing that you can explore like a building. The more you learn about who you really are, the more you realise how much more there is to discover. So it would be silly to think or imagine or even assume that soon I will complete an investigation no matter how close I am in taking a significant step into territory I have never encountered before. Could it be that a revelation awaits? But isn't that true about every day in life...and every step we take to go to the next day?

Is everything predestined? Are we playing out parts that were written long ago? Or do we have choice? Can our actions influence the way things turn out? Well, that's a long debate. Some time, when you and I both have a decade to spare, perhaps we can give it the concentration and discussion it deserves. Meanwhile, I don't think I would go far wrong this weekend if I work on the following principle; Whilst the future of some things may hang in the balance – and some destinies may well be subject to change – the outcome of my highest priority project now, should perhaps be a forgone conclusion... in my favour?! ....I bloody hope so!

So here you are, at the top of a diving board. Way down below you can see what you hope, is a large pool of water... Are you ready to jump? Well, if not, what are you doing up here?
I guess when you are put on the pedestal like that you suddently realise that you have picked a fine time to decide you don’t much fancy the adventure. Is it possible to shuffle back to the steps and make your way back down? Probably – but do I now really need to make such an undignified retreat?

Perhaps my doubts and misgivings are only natural....umm too many questions....too many choices....no right answer!!!!

LET ME EAT MY CAKE!!!!

Open the packet and just add water... Follow the easy instructions...Snap your fingers and hey presto!
Oh, if only it were all so simple. Sadly, even in this high-tech push-button age, some things have to take their time. Emotional processes absolutely cannot be hurried. We cannot simply force ourselves to change the way we feel. Gradually though, we can re-train our hearts and minds. I have been working for some while now on a different way to respond to some powerful triggers. I have had my tests of that new strength.Also been told by many; " Fear not, you will pass with flying colours"...but hey...I guess things in my case are just flying...transparently!!