Last night I had a white dream....a house with white fences...lily's....the white cat....a white rocking chair on the front porch....and white foot prints on the snow towards the gate next to the snow man with button eyes and a whilte wooly hat....but just one set of foot prints...probably mine!

Sense...I want the world to make more sense...But I may as well wish for a cow that recites Shakespeare or a flower that can dance... Cows deliver milk, not messages. Flowers bloom, but they just don't boogie...ya ya I know all that....and I also know that there are things In this universe that it's just not reasonable to expect, and a reasonable universe is one of those things and the best one can hope for is a life that makes some kind of sense, some of the time...There's absolutely no sense in striving for more sense than that! What's happening now is pretty crazy ...

I was thinking about a conversation I had with a friend while back....and the definition of happiness...tonight I thought to myself perhaps there is only one true state of happiness, though we can approach it via many roads. Some are deceptive; they look from a distance as if they will take us directly to that place yet they meander dreadfully. Others are less obviously signposted yet they provide a quick, simple journey to that special destination. Then there are the ones that purport to offer a highway to joy yet which actually lead away from it. Some may argue that ....Happiness, is always nearer and easier to get to than we think. And it is a place that nobody, ever, is obliged to leave!
But I gave it a try....Two steps forward, one step back. It's a frustrating way to make progress but it's a wonderful way to dance....and I certainly am not in the mood to dance...perhaps I need to see myself less as a driver, trying to steer the vehicle towards some vital destination and more as a passenger with a ticket to ride on a glorious magical mystery tour ( so much for glorious though!!! as if!)...Somewhere in the back of my mind, there's an ideal vision of how things should be. This attractive image is both unrealistic and insidious. Each time I compare my actual life to the golden dream, I feel somehow inadequate....perhaps that is where the problem lies... all I actually now need to do is stop setting myself such artificially high standards.... and don't pollute the positivity and purity by mixing it up with an empty fantasy.....but who is to say it is a fantasy?

Smile and the world smiles with you. ...Cry and you cry alone.... Or so they say. Actually though, people are much more sensitive to the emotions of others than most of us ever realise. Just as we tend to yawn when we see strangers yawning in the street, we get grouchy when we encounter bad tempered characters... and when we come across folk who are putting out charming, cheerful or even sexy 'vibes' we find ourselves responding in kind....(not that, that's ever happened to me of course!)... all I am saying is that moods can be influenced by other people...or particular people in our life... and in turn surely we are making an impact on certain other individuals in our vicinity.... so perhaps we need to bare that in mind and resolve to pass on only what we truly want to share! .....I try to look for something to go by...something to make me smile......something on the look out for the new year.... my finances may be far from ideal and there may well be no magic wand I can wave to improve them... I am not where I want to be....I am not with whom I want to be....home office can't decide whether I can have my passport back...I can't be bothered to do my project....don't feel like studying for exams....what is the point...can't be bothered with looking for jobs....have become crap at interviews anyway....my plans have all gone wrong....and yes once again...life is just happening around me without slightest effort from me......But surely there's certainly an improvement I can set in motion.....surely there is light at the end of the tunnel....or is this one of those tunnels that doesn't ever end...!!! How long does one wait....patience is a virtue...right....but how much patience........? am I the victim of circumstances....?

Who said the past is in the past??? No it is not...it is bloody right here with every move we make .... ok ok...it is right here with every move I make....slapping me right in the face!!! You can't judge a book by looking at the cover... and you can't judge a year by its first few days. That's what they say. They may well be right, But sometimes, you can get a distinct flavour of what's in store....Crap!!!

Right now I feel rather like a person who has been staring at a landscape through a small window... I feel I have seen all there is to see... I yearn for a change but I fear that it is going to be difficult to instigate... ( or because perhaps people keep reminding me of things I don't want to be reminded of!) .... Experience teaches us that we don't have to seek change. It will always find its way to us... Perhaps stability is the experience we have to strive for and the moment we relinquish our desire to lead a predictable life, chaos seems to come flooding in like a lake through a crack in the wall of a dam...( well it always finds its way to get to me anyway!!)...Nonetheless, I am ready to do whatever is needed...I am about to prove that, actually, all it takes is a simple decision to step outside the door... Without that window in my way, surely I will find much more to appreciate on the horizon of the surrounding landscape....

When Achilles, the great warrior of Greek mythology, was just a tiny baby, his mother dipped him in the river Styx. This caused every part of him to become invulnerable, with the exception of the heel by which she held him. We all have our weak spots and they all ironically, tend to get weaker, the more we try to acquire greater strength. Somewhere in me is an area of deep emotional sensitivity.... maybe an unhealthy dependency....Perhaps this is the good year to throw away that so called sensitive dependancy and stand on my two feet...and held my head high!

"Reason, ruling alone, is a force confining; and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction." ...Kahlil Gibran's observation points the way to the decision that must be reached between now and the end of the first full week of the New Year. I may not be able to reconcile the difference between what I feel and what I think but nor must I allow one force to triumph over the other...My heart and head must each have their say...

As I attempt to broker a compromise between these vastly different forces, I try hard to remind myself that it doesn't matter how beautifully I embellish a picture or decorate a house.... If the basic outline is not easy on the eye, or the fundamental structure is flawed, I am never going to compensate by fiddling with the superficial detail... As with art or architecture, so with life.... perhaps I need to pare away the complication from a situation or relationship so I can see it for what it actually is, adjust it as necessary, and then decide what else it needs. One of my lecturer's once said: " Once you have simplicity, you'll also have agreement between many of the crap in your thesis that now appear to conflict with one another".....well you might think it is irrelevant and thinking what a load of jibberish...but hey...all I am saying is that perhaps once I have simplicity and stop complicating things then I can perhaps find the balance between my head and my heart....if I can find any of them!!!!!

Two transatlantic flights were cancelled, just before the weekend, ( and many more today...if I haven't got my BBC and CNN crossed)...due to a terrorist threat. A lot of travellers were inconvenienced. And nothing happened. So maybe it was all in vain. Or maybe not. Life's wisest, smartest moves and choices don't always bring show stopping, obvious results. Often, we never get to see the disaster that might have ensued if only we had taken a sillier route from one place to another. We live in blissful ignorance of narrow escapes and near misses. Sometimes we find ourselves working in the realm of invisible influence. We can't be sure that our big hunch is a good one... but nor can we ignore it...and know that somehow we are going to have to act on it, regardless of how perceptible the consequences turn out to be...That's good...isn't it? ...I sound like I am acting on a psychic tip off... I've only got a nudge, a wink, or a half heard hint to go on... but cut me some slack here I am honouring it with respect.... And as always when I head further down this controversial but clever road ( heading down litrally...not trip over if I am lucky!) , I feel far stronger and better ( as you do when everything around you goes the wrong way!) ... regardless of whether I ever get 'proof positive' that I did the right thing...after all I love a good challenge don't I???!!!!!

We all love solving puzzles. What we don't like is discovering that those puzzles may not have a satisfactory solution. It's then that they become problems. We can apply our minds to abstract, remote difficulties or to situations that are bemusing our friends. Sometimes, though, we are too quick to give up on questions that relate too directly to our lives. Maybe this is not a problem...maybe I simply have a puzzle from which I need to stand further back...and look at it differently...Whether I made a plan for this particular phase of my life long ago or merely had a vague expectation about what I would like it to bring, I am beginning to see things are most unlikely to come to pass as I anticipated...well certainly not anytime soon... Circumstances beyond my control are forcing me to rearrange my agenda and re-evaluate priorities on an almost daily basis. Though I tend to be adaptable, I'd like more stability...not sure what this is... fear?...doubt?...new year jitters?...whatever it is... the outcome better be good!!!

Are we all just victims of circumstance? Perhaps, but some of us, despite facing superficially similar circumstances, feel far more inclined to see ourselves as beneficiaries of kindly coincidence. We all face factors we can't control, or we expend a lot of effort without much certainty of getting much by way of reward. When we decide to accept what's happening and do our best regardless, we can feel good even if things don't all go exactly our way. When we resent the situation we find ourselves in, we feel bad, regardless of how much truly good reason there is to be unhappy. Maybe what I need is to embrace what there's no point in rejecting... And be aware that things can change...ya ya...gotta be optimistic....too soon to over rule new year resolutions....

So, where next? This is a rhetorical question. I neither expect an answer, nor do I intend to supply one...not that I can of course....If I don't already know where I am supposed to be goin.... will it ever become clear ? Maybe If I'd already known... then life wouldn't be the way it is today...perhas it's not a question of whether, it's a matter of when. 'Why' does not come into it. The only thing I really need to know is 'how'. Or maybe I already know....as you can see somewhere in the back of my mind, an alarm bell is ringing. I am used to living a life of challenge and drama, struggle and stress, adventure and surprise. When things get too comfortable, I begin to feel suspicious. Where's the catch? What's going to go suddenly wrong at any moment? What trick am I missing? ...ok ok..may be I should turn the bell off.... Even if it is right to alert me to the temporal nature of all things in this world?...are you saying where is the spirit of trust?....well....Have you ever been to the beach and misjudged the tide? One moment you are snoozing comfortably in your deckchair, the next you're racing round trying to save your book and radio from being washed away. It's simply not possible to rescue all your possessions. You have to grab the most important and let the others get wet...See that's the way things may turn out... and as the tide of 2004 comes sweeping in I am not sure what to feel....!!! Ok...I will turn the bell off...Ok I will be more optimistic...and ok...I will watch out for the 2003 not to hit me on the way out!!!

Happy New Year!

Why does sunshine come after rain? Why does daylight follow darkness? Perhaps because, presumably, the universe deems it necessary to give us a constant reminder of its changeable nature. First things are one way, then they are another. That's life. So why shouldn't things be picking up for us now?...ok for me... Heaven knows they've been tough enough for long enough.I'd feel happier if I could see why .... Of course...We all love explanations and of course... we don't always get them.....!!!

Although I have been seriously trying to avoid the pre-Christmas shopping madness...but I had to do it sometimes...and I have to admit...it was hell on earth trying to even walk among all those shoppers...thank god I only had to pick out a few things and then run for my life...

Don't get me wrong, I love the spirit of Christmas...that is if I can get into the spirit...this year i find it extra hard to do so, but trust me I am trying...I even sang along in the department store....

On the first day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
A partridge in a pear tree.

On the second day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

On the third day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

You must be familiar with the Christmas song, "The Twelve Days of Christmas" I think. For those of you who haven't heard it...well ....tough luck!!!! To most it's a delightful nonsense rhyme set to music. But my curiosity draw me to find out that it had actually a quite serious purpose when it was written, and it is a good deal more than just a repetitious melody with pretty phrases and a list of strange gifts.

The songs gifts are hidden meanings to the teachings of the faith. The "true love" mentioned in the song doesn't refer to an earthly suitor, it refers to God Himself. The "me" who receives the presents refers to every baptized person...and so on...I found that fascinating....well if you are more curious....read on...

The other symbols mean the following:

Turtle Doves = The Old and New Testaments
French Hens = Faith, Hope and Charity, the Theological Virtues
Calling Birds = the Four Gospels and/or the Four Evangelists
Golden Rings = The first Five Books of the Old Testament, the "Pentateuch", which gives the history of man's fall from grace.
Geese A-laying = the six days of creation
Swans A-swimming = the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit, the seven sacraments
Maids A-milking = the eight beatitudes
Ladies Dancing = the nine Fruits of the Holy Spirit
Lords A-leaping = the ten commandments
Pipers Piping = the eleven faithful apostles
Drummers Drumming = the twelve points of doctrine in the Apostle's Creed

so apparently it has nothing to do with love....it is all about faith! go figure...

Christmas isn't quite here yet. Those carol singers are just going through the motions. There may be a pseudo-Santa in every shopping mall, but the real Saint Nick hasn't even saddled up his reindeer. Every one seems to have the notion of some imminent festive miracle...But I really think we shouldn't take goodwill for granted... life is now full of promises...dreams which have yet to be fulfilled ....ummm I am still contemplating on that Christmas wish!

If you don't really care, how are you ever going to make anything happen? To obtain power, you must have passion. Yet if you care too much, how are you ever going to know where to draw the line? To obtain wisdom, you must have objectivity. Somehow, now, you have to balance a deep desire with an important inclination towards apathy. Then, when the moment is right, you will know it... and you will also know exactly what to do.

There's an old saying that I like, which is that luck is where preparation meets opportunity. All the work I am doing may not get exactly the results I am seeking. I may run into dead-ends (as u do!) and follow leads that go nowhere. But the energy I am expending is not being wasted...Maybe patience is actually the fear inside...but I like to call it the focus on what's moving rather than what's stuck. Perhaps if I feel my resources are limited, I should use them more wisely. Plenty that's being wasted could be used better...blah blah blah...I wish I could actually be as positive as I sound sometimes!

True friends allow us to grow. And they are the people we allow to grow and change. Most of the time, in authentic friendship there is neither room for judgment, nor the need for it. The beauty of this equation is that we can experience being self-assertive without fear of offending anyone. The world is big enough for everyone, and those who are committed to staying the same all the time contribute too little other than boredom.... But is it quite appropriate for us to be a different person every day if that's how we feel?

When people are resolutely who they are, that helps us be resolutely who we are. Of course, if we want to send people off cowering, we must be brave and direct. Yet how we respond in the face of someone's boldness and clarity is our choice, and this may even give us real opportunity to dance the tango rather than do the pussyfoot. Perhaps, deliberation and hesitation are not a flaw, as we so often remind the rest of us. Nobody is really all that certain of themselves. Life is a process, with the right attitude....

I was thinking...as I go through my day, who embraces me? I mean this literally. Who offers me a hug, who smiles when I walk into the room, and who leaves coffee on my desk? ...These are the people I want in my life (the last one is just an ironi..)... Ones who understand me intuitively, and who want consciously to make the world a softer, friendlier place for me...and them of course...ya ok...maybe I am one of those people who's not afraid to fight for what I know is right, and in so doing, I may miss the fact that I am truly supported by many with whom I would never, ever need to argue...but it would be nice to know...there is someone who would sit with you and just hold your hand when you feel like crying...someone to give you a hug when you are tired and cold and need some warmth...someone...to make you smile when you think of them!

I feel like screaming to myself, 'What about me?' When would it be my turn ... But...maybe there's no use in pushing for it until the time is right...

...feels like I am reaching the point where I could lose patience... from one angle, it looks as if the whole world is trying to block me....

I am not in the mood to be told what to do but I can't avoid being influenced by other people's mood... everything seems to get to me...the cold...the rain...the sound of the rain...the footsteps...the footsteps in my dreams...

Any fool can turn a blind eye to reality. It takes a special kind of idiot, though, to ignore a dream. I am just not that crazy…Yet!!! I cannot possibly forget about the great hope I hold so dear. Maybe it is just a fantasy but, I feel an overwhelming urge to pursue it. That very slight chance of success is enough to put fire in my belly and enthusiasm in my heart. I may or may not be about to get what I want, but I know at least I may discover that trying for it is rewarding in its own right. As highs get higher and lows get lower. My energy, too, tends to come and go in dramatic ways. One moment I feel full of beans, the next, full of lethargy and exhaustion. Under some strange influence I easily become disconsolate or disheartened. It gets very difficult to see anything in the proper perspective. As I think about what's making me nervous, anxious or restless, I feel maybe ....perhaps it is less of a threat than I fear...
I thought about ..."Life is what happens to us while we are busy making other plans." ...maybe it's fine to have an unfulfilled ambition, as long as we feel okay about the fact that we have not yet reached our goal. If, though, something makes us anxious or unhappy every time we think about it, we need to change our relationship with it. Then maybe I should try letting go whatever it is I feel so inclined to cling on to. Maybe, that's all I need to do. And, if I really can't? …Or maybe I should just stop planning and just ...!!!

Is it not true that sometimes, the best way to find something we are looking for is to look for something else instead? Mainly because When our attention is too closely fixed on one item, we lose the ability to see the whole of our situation from a distance!!! ...I guess sometimes standing back seems inappropriate...But it's only when we do, that we realise how much more clearly we could have been seeing things.

ummmm...I seem to have brilliant insights....only if I would stop trying quite so hard to control everything!!!

Intelligence tests often require people to solve a puzzle in a short space of time. This explains why those who consistently score high on the IQ scale, are so stupid. In real life, what counts is not how quickly we can sort out a problem but how completely. People with genuine intelligence won't watch the clock whilst tackling a task. They'll just give it as much as it takes, for as long as it takes. Perhaps we don't need to be smart...It is far more important just to be sincere!!!

Life, lately, has begun to resemble one of those crazy, students-for-charity challenges: where people dress in strange costumes and then attempt to run up slippery slopes whilst juggling eggs and singing the National Anthem. It has had that same edge of near-impossibility although, it has not been quite so amusing. I have had to concentrate hard, just to avoid falling flat on my face. The pressure doesn't seem to ease off...but I feel I am more relaxed despite that....May be I have actually won my race...!!! ummmm