Can we really make a difference if we try? Or are we like children in a car on a fairground ride? We press on an imaginary accelerator. We stamp on a make-believe brake. We kid ourselves that our actions are having an impact but things would be just the same if we were to sit perfectly still. Now I am not trying to say that we are powerless. We all need to know the difference between the things we can change and the things we can't. Perhaps this is not just so that we can be spared unnecessary angst, there is a practical purpose. If we use up our vital time and energy pursuing impossible objectives, we will end up wasting the resources that might otherwise have been put to a truly constructive use. But if we seek success perhaps we should take energy away from a pointless pursuit and give it all to a worthwhile cause...only if everyone could undrestand that!

Perhaps mice compete fiercely with other mice. Perhaps they argue about whose whiskers are longest, and whose noses twitch the most. But to us, they are still just mice. We humans also spend a lot of time weighing ourselves up against others. We wonder what they've got that we haven't... and vice versa. Yet the only folk on this earth who are truly worth looking up to, are the one's who don't look up to (or down on) anyone.

Isn't it strange how the wheel of destiny turns so that those who you used to dream of the most are now emerge in your subconscious as nightmares!...So that you catch yourself waking up sweating and terrified....ummm....I don't like where
this is all going...

Still shaken by last nights nightmare, I did something I rarely ever do...flipped to the horoscope section of the paper this morning; In big fonts under Aries it said:

Someone appreciates you more than you realise. Someone cares more than you know. Someone wants to help you and this someone has more power than you perhaps give them credit for. Don't feel obliged to struggle on alone, or to prove that you can cope without help. The assistance you need will always be available if only you can find the humility to ask for it. Work generally on the assumption that your plan is a wise one and that you are in the right place at the right time. For it is, and you are!

Well, that is totally irrelevant to the dream...but perhaps a relief...the trouble is; I am struggling to identify the person of whom the cosmic powers so confidently talk about!

- Why are we all so stupid?
Because if we were any smarter, we'd be too clever for our own good.
- Why are we all so ignorant?
Because if we knew any more, we'd have nothing left to learn.
- Why are we all so crazy?
Because if we were truly sane, we couldn't cope!

I guess I'm just trying to point out that perhaps there are good reasons why the world is as it is. Of course, we should try to change it for the better whenever ( which most of us will do anyway!)...we can but we should also remember that the quickest way to bring about an improvement, is to start liking whatever we have previously felt inclined to object to....ya ya ya!

Our minds have one agenda, our hearts another. Rarely, if ever, do the two completely coincide. Our heads though, have a nasty habit of speaking on our heart's behalf. They get away with this subterfuge because their voices are so much louder and more 'reasonable' sounding. Hearts don't shout, they whisper, at least most of the time. And when they do speak up, they make statements that pay no regard to the restrictions of reality. True hearts though, are always pure, giving, generous and kind. Heads fight battles, hearts seek peace. ... I truely believe this statement.

First day of autumn...I took the tunnel instead of the street level...and listened to the guy playing ' Que Sera Sera.....' I had missed him!

When I was just a little girl,
I asked my mother, "What will I be?
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?"
Here's what she said to me:

Que sera, sera,
Whatever will be, will be.
The future's not ours to see,
Que sera, sera,
What will be, will be.

When I was just a child in school,
I asked my teacher, "What shall I try?
Should I paint pictures?
Should I sing songs?"
This was her wise reply:

Que sera, sera,
Whatever will be, will be.
The future's not ours to see,
Que sera, sera,
What will be, will be.

When I grew up and fell in love,
I asked my lover, "What lies ahead?
Will we have rainbows day after day?"
Here's what my lover said:

Que sera, sera,
Whatever will be, will be.
The future's not ours to see,
Que sera, sera,
What will be, will be.

Now I have children of my own,
They ask their mother, "What will I be?
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?"
I tell them tenderly:

Que sera, sera,
Whatever will be, will be.
The future's not ours to see,
Que sera, sera,
What will be, will be.

Vitamin C does not stay in the human body very long. That's why it is important to eat a daily supply of fruit. Vitamin B12, by comparison, needs only to be replenished periodically. As with physical nutrients, so with psychological supports. There are some 'ego boosts' that wear off unless we get them again, and again or pretty frequent. There are others that we need only once in a while...well enough of that...ya ya I got my share of ego boosted yesterday...happy!!!
We have had wonderful weather here in London on the eve of the Autumn. We had 24 degrees sun, we had thunder and lightening and loads of rain and sunshine again and rain again...so how do you expect anyone to resist walking under the first drops of the autumn rain?? No matter what Einstein might have said " Don't walk under the rain unless you are sure some one cares"!

Well don't know about 'sure', but I certainly 'hope' someone does!

Do you remember when you first learned long division? Wasn't it satisfying when you could make one figure go into another an exact number of times? And wasn't it aggravating when there was a little something left over? Remainders seemed so untidy. Silly, irritating things that served no purpose other than to act as a reminder of some failed quest for harmony and completion. But then again isn't it true what they say 'Nothing lasts forever'?
Some things though, drag on for an awfully long time. We can easily begin to assume that they will never change. Of course, the moment we adopt this attitude, we lose some of our ability to make a difference. That's fine if we are happy with things as they are. But if we really would like to have a different experience, we must never decide that it simply isn't possible. Perhaps if we are more alert in reaching out and grabbing the opportunities, they might just fall right into our hands!

We are taught to feel that everything in life has to have an explanation. We must always have a reason for choosing one thing over another. In reality though, we are all creatures of instinct. Inwardly, we sum up every situation we ever encounter in a flash. It takes less than a nanosecond for our psychic radar to decide whether or not it likes something or someone. Our intellect then scurries along behind, attempting to catch up by justifying whatever it is that we have felt!

Some people manage to live two-dimensional lives. They don't think about very much for very long. They take everything and everyone at face value. They usually accept whatever they encounter without criticism. On the odd occasion when they feel obliged to complain, they are interested neither in nuance nor explanation. If things are bad, they are totally bad and never mind why...Sometimes I really want to be like those people!

Wow...I managed to put two links on this...woohoo...!!

Some things give us pleasure and satisfaction. Others are stressful and uncomfortable. Yet both experiences have something in common. We know where we stand with them. Life's most peculiar (and often troublesome) moments tend to involve situations we just can't make up our mind about. It's those bitter-sweet flavours that fox us. They attract us in one way, repel us in another. Whenever we find ourselves saying one thing whilst doing another, it is usually because we are somehow caught up in such a double-sided scenario. Perhaps it is better and wiser when we can't make a clear decision , don't even try. Is it easier to accept that some questions are not easily answered? Woud we be wiser to make an allowance for that?

When people talk about smart scientists, they normally mention Einstein. He was indeed a clever cookie, by saying things like:
Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new
We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them
So too, was a chap called Werner Heisenburg. He is most famous for his Uncertainty Principle. He found that the outcome of any experiment will always be influenced by the presence of an observer, no matter how impartial or uninvolved that witness tries to be. As in physics, so in life. Apparently we influence things and people just by looking at them so pehaps we shouldn't underestimate the impact we have on certain things. But so if these people were all right in theories about life and physics...and if Einstein was right about Gravitation not being responsible for people falling in love...then so...tell me...what is?

There's a problem with trying to read a map in a moving vehicle. By the time you have worked out where you are in relation to where you want to go, you are somewhere else! But then you have to begin the whole process all over again. And, of course, it is going to have the same outcome. We encounter the same difficulty whenever we try to chart a course through life. Circumstances never stand still. By the time we have worked out what's really going on in our world, it is no longer happening in quite the same way. How, then, can we be sure of making the right choices? Do we go by our heart? Or by the book?

It is so strange...I never used to believe what people said...have you ever felt like that?... what they say about the only person who can make you stop crying is the person who actually made you cry! Tonight, with all its unnecessary slipage is the first time I have ever felt that way...I felt like I want to cry...and the only person who caused it...and can help stop it...is not even here!

Love, in its highest purest form is not just unconditional... it is universal. Sometimes, we catch a glimpse of the love that keeps our planet spinning on its axis. We sense the deep, divine love that keeps breath pumping in and out of our bodies, regardless of who we are or what we may deserve. That love is true love. The love we seek in romance is just a poor, pale reflection of that far greater force. How ironic that we see it as the be-all and end-all.

The more we carry, the more likely it is that, sooner or later, we will drop something. That's why some people try to go through life empty-handed. That way, they figure, they can never be accused of letting anything slip through their fingers. Attached to every endeavour is an element of risk, yet there really is no safety in inactivity. To do nothing can, under some circumstances, produce results that are far more dramatic. We can't sit around and say 'I don't want to do anything unnecessary now, but nor do I want to miss an important opportunity'....no matter how tempting it may sound!

Our ideas and opinions alter with the passage of time and the deepening of understanding. We learn, we digest, we inwardly grow wiser and more experienced in the ways of the world. Yesterday's irritations become today's amusements. The anxious fears of the past become the acceptable realities of the present. Our tastes alter, along with our preferences. Sometimes, we end up consciously electing to the exact opposite of what we once thought of as ideal. This is normal..right? Natural? and surely it is healthy. Only retentive people are doggedly consistent. I don't suppose we should apologise for our new point of view. Do we?
"That which does not destroy us makes us stronger", Or so, at least, they say. So that means we learn from it...right? So we get to re-evaluate things around us...we get to ask ourself, what am I doing now? Where am I heading? What are my plans? How am I already starting to gravitate towards the possible cause of further stress? It's a free world and supposedly I am a free spirit. I can choose as I see fit....all true...But I guess the challenge is to make sure that we are making a choice and that we are not just making ourself powerless in the face of some secret compulsion...whatever it maybe!

Which world do you want to live in, yesterday's or tomorrow's? Which would you rather inhabit, the world of how things ought to be or the world of how they really are? Comparisons are all well and good, just as long as they are valid. When, though, they are unrealistic or irrelevant, they create far too much confusion. I guess sometimes if what we've got doesn't measure up well against what we once had, we clearly need to change it. But if it merely fails to match some imaginary expectation or live up to some hypothetical ideal, perhaps we should want to think twice before altering anything.

I am still lost ...not sure if I like yesterdays with all its laughs and cries...or I want tomorrow...where I don't know what it would bring!

Who has the script to the play? And why, even if such a person is prepared to step forward, waving a piece of paper proudly, does their version of the plot differ so vastly from that of some other person with a similar set of guidelines? There are times when we yearn, with all our hearts, to be told what to believe, what to think or even what to feel. These are the times we are most vulnerable - yet they are also the times when actually we are potentially closest to the truth. Sometimes I feel as if I am in the middle of a great adventure...other times it seem as if I am in a perilous position, struggling to keep afloat on a sea of uncertainty. Am I somehow wrestling with fearful threats to my future stability? There is all the difference in the world between a person who feels as if they have some control over their situation and one who is losing all hope of ever gaining power or attaining freedom of choice. I have to be all I have the potential to be. It is no longer acceptable or desirable to retreat into a shell or to persuade myself that certain goals are due to be forever beyond my reach.

It's funny how sometimes, we see ourselves as small and helpless; seemingly destined to spend our lives travelling endlessly round in small circles. Even when we're feeling bold and proud, we can somehow limit our vision or tell ourselves that certain things will never be possible for us. Often, we have to be shaken awake from such a false perspective by a powerful or even slightly disturbing event. Only when we're 'on the edge' do we see how much we are actually capable of...whether or not we put ourselves on the edge or someone else is giving us a shove and a push is irrelevant!

We are all, to some extent, a product of our own past. It is only what we have been through that makes us what we are today. Sometimes though, we forget precisely what it is that we actually have been through - or we apply a very selective process when we sift through our memory banks. In drawing a discreet veil over a time that has now gone by, I am also cutting myself off from a recollection that I sorely need to draw on if I want perspective on a current matter. I think back bravely and clearly to see the best way forward today...then I remind myself that I need to be patient...time heals they say...but as someone said to me today...Time also kills!

I feel I am standing by the shoreline of surrender, expecting to be overwhelmed by a wave of inevitability! I ask myself am I resigned to a future full of compromise and repetition? Then I wade further out...fashion a board from the fabric of faith and prepare to surf on the tide of serendipity...try to build a boat of hope and start sailing the sea of possibility. I don't want to just sit here telling myself "there's nothing you can do"- I rather look out and tell me to "reach for the most obvious opportunity that I have and stop worrying about the drawbacks". But would I get help where and when I most need it? Will I experience success where and when I least expect it!? I have learned that smart plans fail to take me very far - but sincere, inspired actions, produce outstanding results…but not always!

A watched pot never boils. Or so they say. Yet we cannot conclude, from this, that an un-watched pot will heat up more rapidly. It may fall off the hob. Or it may boil - and then boil over. What the authors of this old saying were really trying to get at, I venture to suggest, is that success involves striking a balance between watching - and not watching - the pot! Well...what I am trying to say is that perhaps slow process can eventually lead only to great success. Maybe... just maybe we need to keep the momentum going without becoming impatient or restless...Having said that I can't help not doubting wether I have got the strength? Do I have the stamina? Can I take much more of a certain silly situation? Probably not - but then again difficulties won't disappear overnight, they need to go through their cycle...lets just hope it is not a long cycle!

'When the going gets tough, the tough get going.' But am I truly tough? Or am I secretly tender? A part of me doesn't want to be a hero. A part of me really doesn't want to cope with crisis or thrive in adversity. A part of me just wants to be cosseted and comforted, loved and listened to, understood and empathised with. Is that really too much to ask?

Well...things just can't stay as they are. I have to move forward to the next stage. Either I do so through a process of conscious decision-making or I will find myself being dragged towards the future by a series of events and developments that are seemingly out of my control...(ha..what is new!!!) ... There's nothing sinister in the picture nor is there anything problematic...perhaps I should try and overcome my desire to freeze one moment in time, so that it stays the same forever...or perhaps not!

Rocket science? A piece of cake. Brain surgery? No problem. If I really want to put myself against something difficult, I can try learning to want what I can actually have. Now that's tricky. We spend our whole lives pining for the apparently unattainable. The more remote, unlikely, or impossible an objective is, the more we lust after it. And no matter how wonderful, how ideal an actual situation may be, we find fault with it and soon begin to resent it. No matter how precious, nay, priceless, gift it maybe or no matter how much it deserves appreciation!!!

Fairy stories have a lot to answer for. They lead us to believe, at an impressionable age, that dreams can come true with the wave of a magic wand. Later in life, our expectations swing to the opposite extreme. We figure that dreams just don't ever come true and we had better wise up to that fact. Yet actually, deep down apart of us wants to believe that they do. We feel as though if at first, we put in an awful lot of work... then maybe something will work out...Sometimes, too, we have to go through experiences that we might far prefer to avoid! So I think fairy tales should be banned....

While I am on a subject of nagging and complaining....let me say something else too.....

Other people should be banned too. Just look at all the trouble they cause and the mess they make. Look at how they behave. Look at what they patently fail to understand. Honestly! Where do they come from? What purpose do they serve? Just think how much better the world would be without them.

ummm.....Admittedly, it would be a lonely place. Admittedly too, there would be nobody to criticise or despair of. But... well... for better or worse, other people, with other views and attitudes exist...and I guess I am learning to live with all the differences...

When good things happen, we assume they must have happened for a reason. When bad things happen, we never feel so sure. At best, we remind ourselves that all clouds have silver linings…(Usually, I just curse my luck!!)... Yet how do we really know whether a development is good or bad? The things we like most, often do us most damage. The things we like least often bring the greatest joy. I have lately felt inclined to resent a particular situation.
But why should I worry? What do I have to feel anxious about? Is there really some terrible threat on the horizon? Am I truly in danger of losing something I treasure? ... (The question is…do I even treasure it!?).. How can I possibly look at the past with such wistful longing, whilst turning to the future with such intense trepidation? What has happened to my faith? I seem to have been lost in the road of destiny…there seems to be nothing that governs direction. Sometimes, it seems as if the course of fate finds it necessary to drag me, kicking and screaming, against my will, towards whatever I most desperately need to experience or to connect with. I don't seem to have a reason to relax no matter how I look at things. No matter how I turn the page…how I look at the glass I don't seem to figure anything out…I wonder though that; can an apparent problem actually be a blessing in disguise? Is the future really brighter than I think? If I try to be subtle, sensitive, and calm and quiet, will I find myself being led painlessly and pleasingly towards the perfect destination?

Health warnings are everywhere these days. The nanny state just cannot leave us alone. "Watch out for this... " "Be careful of that... " "Remember, this isn't good for you." ..."Be aware, there may be consequences to your actions... "It can surely only be a matter of time before warnings are also issued in marriage ceremonies - or on the adverts for lonely hearts in the newspaper. "GOVERNMENT NOTICE; Scientists have now proved that relationships can be stressful and may prove injurious to your health." "ALERT; Sexual attraction is not necessarily a guarantee of romantic compatibility." What am I driving at? ... I don't even know...but I am begining to think that although I am complaining about the current of state of people nagging me all the time...but maybe if ...perhaps if....well...if there was a warning system for these kind of things it wouldn't have been so bad...then some of us wouldn't have to be so scared all the time!

Someone said to me this week, when you are stressed look at the trees...after a while starring at the leaves movement with the breeze puts you in the right state of calm...I tried that this morning driving to Germany...he was right...I watched the scenery as we drove from Belgium to Germany and I felt calmer than I have been for months…maybe that is a good omen…I don’t know…

Bloody hell why can't they have proper keyboards in these foreign countries…or have they just moved Z and Y to confuse me!! German conspiracy….ummm maz be…oh Maybe!

Loneliness is derived from the latin meaning to hold up your heart
and look right through it!

A rolling stone gathers no moss. A rolling snowball however, is another matter entirely. Roll a stone long enough and you will gradually wear it down. Roll a snowball and you will build it up, increasing its ability to resist a rise of temperature. So let's look at the desire, which, I feel, I do not stand a snowball's chance in hell of ever fulfilling. Stay where I am and all my hopes will turn to stone. Keep moving along though, and I never know what process I may be able to set rolling. As it appears and we all know all the debate and discussion in the world won't make a difference to my current need. I can try to understand it, I can contemplate the best way to address it or I can search for insights and indications. Ultimately though, it looks as though I am dealing with something that needs to be felt, not thought about, accepted not analysed, decided not dissected. Deep down, I already know that the only way to proceed is to stop wondering about how to proceed and instead, to simply proceed! Perhaps, the more I march ahead with confidence now, the more the right road will open up before me… (Notice the touch of optimism? umm...what have you people done to me!! :p )

When people asked me what I want out of life, I always used to take a few minute and re-run the tape of all the things I wanted in my head before I replied...when a friend asked me last night what I want out life, the impulse response was 'a normal life'!...when faced with her perplex reflection...I added...'something normal'...she still looked at me and raised an eyebrow. She then gave me a lecture on how disappointed she is with that response from someone like me...her argument to the subject of course is very valid...how do you define normal? How do you quantify things as normal?...what I call normal isn't necessary the norm to someone else perhaps I agree...but in the risk of repeating myself...I say once more...All I want...is Normal!...Whatever way you want to interpret or define it.

What difference can any of us really make to the state of the world? How, as helpless individuals, can we make any impact on all that harshness, darkness and heartlessness?

Some people truly enjoy being pessimistic...(i.e. Yours truely) Cynicism makes them smile. Gloom gives them a glow. They get a buzz out of the blues. A hit of hopelessness. This is perfectly acceptable. It's a free world, we are not all obliged to be optimists. We are perfectly entitled to take our pleasure wherever we can find it - as long as it does no harm to others. Mind you, there are some who might argue that negativity is harmful in the extreme; addictive, contagious and, once embraced, extremely difficult to abandon. Perhaps I should stop it and don't succumb to an unnecessary antisocial temptation today.

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. That's what many people fervently believe. They feel that just as all coins have two sides, so all situations have their pros and cons. What's good in one way will be bad in another. Are they right? Who can say. It is, though, very hard to imagine how the current conjunction of events in my life can have a significant downside. Maybe it is a heavenly gift; bountiful blessings from a benign cosmos. It may be a little overly-poetic, Or it could all be an understatement.

In the republic of the visually challenged, the partially sighted person is president. I have had to update this phrase, it use to read; "In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed man is King." This was a lot more succinct but not very politically correct. Yet the meaning is as apposite as ever. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. Powerful people rarely turn out to be any wiser, saner or more sensible than the rest of us. Now let's look at my power. Am I being truly fair? In attempting to defend myself, from a perceived threat, might I actually be creating an even bigger menace or potential problem? Perhaps I either need to understand much more - or to ignore much more!

Some people believe that attack is the best form of defence. The same sort of people tend to think that if you spare the rod, you will spoil the child - or that immigrants are aliens and enemies who sap the resources of the state and undermine the fabric of society. People with such aggressive prejudices are to be pitied. But deep down, within us all, no matter how wise, kind, intelligent and tolerant we may be, there's an angry bigot waiting for a chance to justify ignorant behaviour. Don't get me wrong I am not implying that I now might intensely dislike something or someone... The opprobrium I feel here seem like as if it is robbing me of my most precious possession; perspective.

Home..sweet home....

Expectation is a tiresome thing...because you always end up getting confused or disappointed... like you would expect to see french people in Paris but Aue Contrair you see everyone but them...this bloody french keyboard...I dont think I can make my point before my internet connection thing runs out...so I will tell you the rest later....when i get back home....

Tomorrow can never come. As soon as one today ends, another begins. Tomorrow's arrival is thus forever shifted back by a further 24 hours. Tomorrow though, is determined to make contact with us somehow so it employs a form of subterfuge. Rather than wait for some mythical point in the future, it sneaks into our lives, dressed in the clothes of today. It pretends to be a part of our current agenda. By the time we see where it is taking us, it is often too late. Well on the look out, for tomorrow, I am thinking what if it never comes?

None of us like loose endings. We prefer things to be neatly tied up and sorted out. That's why some of us enjoy reading or writing fiction. In storybooks, you can have that sense of completeness. In real life? Well, there's always going to be unfinished business of some sort, somewhere. You can't expect everything to suddenly start making perfect sense.

Many people have long memories and short tempers. For me, it's not a case of once bitten, twice shy. It is more that, once I have been bitten, I am forever ready to bite right back at anything that remotely reminds me of those offending teeth. Attack, I tend to feel, is usually the best form of defence. Often, that is very true too. What though, if I am in a safe position? I normally feel as though I have got a titanium shell and I only face a toothless monster with a weak jaw, so I might as well relax, but contrary to that position; It is now as if I am walking on a narrow path at the top of some great cliff. To one side, there's an impenetrable wall. To the other, a breathtaking drop to the sea far below. So... how safe should I feel? How scared should I be?
Insofar as I am fully aware of a particular danger, How could I ever have any reason to relax? I am terrified of taking a silly risk or forget to watch my footing. I guess it is only natural that the existence of a potential problem is providing me with a constant reminder of the need for caution. But should I be glad for the tension I feel? Would I have any reason to believe that everything is going to be ok and I can stop to worry!?
Some beliefs are easy and convenient. Others require conscious, constant renewal. We can't though, use this as a basis for deciding that one belief is more likely to be true than another. Indeed, we can't reliably employ any technique to assess the validity of a belief. We just have to believe what we believe - and then believe whatever we want to believe about whatever anyone else believes!

What are the first signs..symptoms...whatever... of a nervous break down???

If it's not one thing, it's another. This though, surely comes as no surprise to me. It has always been thus. The world is full of people who just can't leave well alone. For some strange reason, they all seem to have my phone number. (seem to know where I live too...well it is inevitable when sometimes those peoples could be as close as ...say..family!) How much easier life would be if only I didn't have to deal with all those idiots. Yet, how much more boring too. Exasperating developments make life interesting. Er... don't they? It seems like I may need to remind myself, , that chaos has a purpose and that stupidity can sometimes lead to serendipity. I remeber someone once said to me; 'There will be moments when you find yourself almost unable to believe what's happening. But as long as you can relinquish your desire for reasonable explanations you will find things work out surprisingly well'...I am very tempted to finish off with my usual walk away clause 'blah blah blah'...but the more I think about it...the more it is making sense...damn he maybe onto something with this advise...umm!

When your car breaks down, you send for the roadside repair service. But who tows away the tow-truck when the tow-truck breaks down? If you are experiencing emotional anxiety, you can consult an expert psychologist. But who gives therapy to the therapist?

Homeopaths believe that the less of a substance you employ, the more powerful it becomes. This idea intensely annoys the scientifically minded. They do not understand the subtle, etheric, esoteric principles upon which such semi-magical preparations are based. But they have a similar problem accepting other unprovable phenomena. They refuse to acknowledge the existence of love - or divine inspiration. There may be little logic in that but If I apply it to what goes on around me there's an awful lot of poetry and power in it.

What do you need if you want to make a dream come true? Energy? Commitment? Luck? Faith? Belief? Probably, we need all of the above - but perhaps not in quite the quantity we might imagine. Sometimes, we have to strive with all our might to get our heart's desire. Sometimes, we only have to lift a finger. But then, if one is feeling unduly pessimistic, like I do now...and most of the time... even the lifting of a finger can seem like an exhausting and pointless task.

I have another question while we are here....well more than one question...no point in haggleing ....Does the course of true love ever run smooth? Are the genuinely great and the good invariably destined to face constant challenge? Must the most talented people on our planet also be the most tortured? Must the most blessed be saddled with the heaviest burdens? I only ask because... Well, I suspect this is all a plot... although there's something in this situation now, which is extremely bitter sweet. But then, what else could it be? Would I really ever have things any other way?

Don't you sometimes get the feeling that wanting something can be more fun than actually having it? and when that unattainable item is lodged in your imagination, twinkling away like a breathtaking jewel, you think about what it would be like if you had it, how it would feel, how it would change your life? You dream about it, and the next day you embroider the fantasies a little more and have the same pleasures of longing all over again. But if you actually bought it, you would take it home, put it on a shelf and that would be that...umm I wonder if my current saga is just as simple as that!

No point in pretending that things are ideal - or almost ideal. A little tweak, here or there, in some slightly-flawed situation, is not going to sort me out. There's something more basic and fundamental amiss. That's the bad news.

I really feel I am facing a race against time...There are certain ways in which I maybe able to reduce the pressure I feel now - and I should employ them all!... Maybe self-imposed deadlines can and should be reviewed. I have enough on my plate just dealing with the tasks which are universally accepted as urgent…focusing on your MBA...getting on the right track with career...clearing your issues with your bank manager (we seem to need to resolve some issues and maybe our differences...just because I have no money in my bank account doesn’t mean he has to go ahead and put an stop on my credit card now is it!! :P )

I need to be superhuman to achieve a flawless result in a situation like the one I now face. So as you can see there doesn't seem to be any good news to give…

The good news could be that, I know...once I concede as much and become willing to instigate the appropriate major alterations, I will soon see what needs to be done. It may well involve hard work and compromise, but, at least, I will be truly constructive. And the progress that I make will benefit me for the rest of my days!....Discovery of the life time as u can see....

But that leads me to my usual...blah blah blah....

Some one read my fortune today...with one of those strange card game things...it all started really good ...you know...like 'Your heart is stuck somewhere... (Delet pishe yeki gir kardeh!) ' ... and oh... 'look two hearts are really close together' ... and apparently there is something very crucial when there is an Ace of Clubs and an Ace of Hearts lined up...'But'...damn there is always a 'but'...'There is also a black jack guarding the heart'...woohoo...tell me something I don't know...according to my so called fortune teller...this is a very difficult task and would never come about and I better forget about it...duh!

Isn't hindsight wonderful? It lets us see all sorts of things that we shouldn't have done, but did do. And do we ever learn from it? No, not really; we just go on and make the same mistakes all over again in the hope that it might turn out better next time. The key word there is 'hope'. That is what makes us human, and it is what drives us to do things which are supposedly outside our capabilities and experience, but which somehow surprise us by turning out well. I suppose what I am trying to get to is that...maybe I shouldn't let the recent setbacks stop me from hoping...because after all 'hope' is all I have got!

Can we really hold the feelings we don't want to end?

I am not making any plans anymore...plans are overrated...they change!

Could it be possible that some of us have magical powers? Might we have been blessed, at birth, with gifts so rare and special as to baffle the world of conventional science?
Well I think I would have noticed by now?
Perhaps not. Faced with some inexplicable phenomenon, most people either ignore it completely or put it down to coincidence. We may well be exceptionally psychic without realising it. We may even be able to 'cause things to happen' with the sheer force of our will. Or maybe it is just my imagination....

I got this on my Yahoo offline message box today...
"If you love someone, put their name in a circle, not a heart because a heart can be broken...but a circle goes on forever", ... I thought it was meanigful ... the message also said "Send this to everyone on your list, and in 15min your true love will send you a message"....ha....only if everything was that simple I thought to myself!

We all have our plans for world domination. Our secret dreams of power and influence. We contemplate the things that we would do, if only we had enough money or opportunity and time. Normally, these grand visions involve a great deal of activity. Energy must be expended. Effort must be made. Yet sometimes, we feel we can achieve far more by sitting still, than we can running a hundred miles. Perhaps we can learn much more from listening than we can from talking, and maybe we can achieve far more from doing the right kind of nothing, than we can through doing the wrong kind of something!!

I was looking at some old messages...and 'Gooya Bahar Amad' ( Sounds like spring is here!) from Leili cut my eye...it is dated 9th of June...I closed my eyes and tried to remember the feeling of those few weeks...It sure did seem like spring...warm and beautiful but also breezy...I guess my life skipped the rest of the spring and summer...cuz this surely feels like Autumn...!

Once again...no words were spoken...no goodbyes were said...could it be, that is because it is not goodbye and is marely just 'see you later'...ha...too optimistic...a silence goodbye I would have thought so!

Think how much energy that coyote wasted. Year after year, he chased Roadrunner up and down the mountain. He set traps, moved signposts, dug holes, wore disguises and employed expensive explosive. Yet no matter what he did, that Roadrunner kept on running. Beep! Beep! I suppose I have to make sure I don't end up like Wile E Coyote. No matter how agitated or aggravated I feel, I need to keep a clear head, especially this week...Exams and all that...after all I can't jeopardise what I have worked so far for...

May be it is true what they say that some things just can't happen in a hurry, and attempts to speed them up, will have a neutral effect at best - and at worst, will actually slow them down. Perhaps I should learn to be patient and alert...yadi yadi yadi...

1 + 1 = Everything !

When I was younger ( well...when I was just a kid!) , I had a favourite theme park ride. The one that I could get to sit in a little car and drive it along a track. It had a steering wheel to turn and a horn to honk. I felt very much as if I was in control of the vehicle. Only I wasn't. The whole thing was being pulled by a hidden engine. It didn't matter how hard I tried to accelerate, turn or brake. I didn't get it then, of course. I was happy in my belief. For me then, ignorance was bliss. None of us minds expending a little, additional enthusiasm, when prospects are bright, but none of us likes to waste energy on unnecessary worry. I guess not much is changed since then...I am still going round and round the track with no control over what is happening...the difference is I can't be happy about it anymore!

Some people say that to be happy is to live in a dream. Not so. It is to let the dream live within you! It is to wander wide-eyed through the world knowing that nature will nurture your creativity. It is to be forever in the right place at the right time, even when you could take one look at your situation and conclude that it is very wrong.Do you ever get the feeling that you know for sure that even wrong things can be right sometimes? And the way to make them right is to stop worrying about what's wrong with them? But you still ask yourself what do you have to do to make this day a happy, successful and productive one?

Eshgh kafi nist!

Two and two don't inevitably make four. No matter what the mathematical purists say, if you have two children and two bars of chocolate, putting them together will result in two very pleased kids. Or, possibly, if those bars are big enough, two infants with tummy ache. Sometimes, we adults are a little too hasty to look at things in terms of numbers without stopping to consider what those numbers really represent. Logic, dictates that a certain process ought to give a certain result. Dictators of any kind however, often invite rebellion. So perhaps we should go with our instinct, not our intellect!!!!????

Why do people go to such lengths to make life difficult for themselves? Could it be that secretly none of us likes life to be too easy? Challenge excites us. Drama gives us energy. When things are OK, we don't have anywhere near so much to think about. And thus we become more easily bored. When we are bored, we become agitated and irritated or we start to make very dubious decisions based on carelessness or complacency. Then, unsurprisingly, things go wrong and we have a new difficulty to wrestle with....Ummm ....must pardon me...Having seen the person I am trying to avoid three days in a row with no choice has kind of given me the inclination that perhaps we play a big part in creating difficulties....the point is we are not looking to do so...it just so happens...I shall stop letting my mind wonder off...but it is as though I am approaching the most comfortable point of this cycle...I feel much more relaxed...may be I should just enjoy it while it lasts.

Koja boodim...Koja part shodim!!!

How much power do we really have? How much choice? How much control? There are days when it feels as if the world is our oyster. We believe ourselves to be capable of achieving almost anything. There are other days when we just can't get anything together. It begins to seem as if the fates are conspiring against us. In truth though, we are neither servants nor masters, victims nor perpetrators. Our relationship with the universe is an arrangement between equals. Perhaps it is not so far of from the truth what they say "Sometimes, we must do its bidding, but sometimes it must do ours."

Ghararemoon to shahre eshgh...Akhare khate sarnevesht!!!

For me, the word 'challenge' is a synonym for 'fun'. It seems as though readiness for anything is pretty essential too...because I can't for the life of me predict a minute to another!

Life is full of irony. Sometimes, we set out with a burning ambition to avoid a particular fate. We struggle and strive to ensure that we never find ourselves in a particular position. And where do we end up? Exactly where we do not want to be! When such a thing happens, it feels as if we have been "got at" by an unkind cosmos. Yet we really should not take it personally. It is simply the way of the world. They say a universal law dictates that no human being will ever be allowed to flee from a fear or avoid an aversion forever. A further universal law insists that no person will ever manage to lead a life free of hypocrisy or inconsistency! I am begining to think there is only one cure for this; "Take life a little less seriously"!.....easy to say...much harder to achieve...

Khiali nist....Vali bezani...mizanam!! :p

The biggest risk in life is 'Not taking any risks'!

They say there are two sides to every story. That's rubbish. There are at least twenty-two. No, actually, I take that back. Make it twenty-three. Twenty-two is an even number whereas there is something decidedly odd about the way in which life's biggest issues never quite lend themselves to easy division. There is always something left over. There is always something that doesn't quite go.

You know...it doesn't matter if you keep moving from one disaster to another...I guess the trick is to keep moving!

"Who do you think you are? What gives you the right? How dare you be so presumptuous? There you go, marching around as if you own the place, expressing all kinds of opinions and preferences. How on earth can you really know what you claim to know? How on earth would you know how I really feel? What gives you the right to make assumptions and draw conclusions and claim that is what is best for me? If I want anyone to tell me what is best for me and make decisions for my life I can enquire about it myself! What kind a childish game are you playing at...I can't be completely sure but I have got a pretty good idea and I feel my hunch deserves to be trusted on what I want and what I think what is best for me...Don't talk to me about what is best for me! "


Well...there I said it...I said it all...mybe not to his face...maybe he would never know this...but atleast it is out of my system!

"Let the good times roll." That's what people say we should do, yet I have a question. Why do the good times ever stop rolling? What causes them to come to a grinding halt? Perhaps good times can't roll on forever. Perhaps they have to stop and start. Perhaps, if they don't, we lose all ability to recognise whether those times are good or bad because we have nothing else to compare them to. Then again, perhaps we shall never know why some times are good, and others bad. But then, perhaps it doesn't matter, Good times are only a myth after all!

Don't talk to me about Good times!

To love is simpler than To hate!

I have just been informed the lines are from the book of 'Jibran'....So that you know!

Not sure who said this...but when @li sent it to me, I thought it is worth putting it up here!

My spirit is to me a companion

Who comforts me when the days grow heavy upon me

Who consoles me when the afflictions of life multipy

Who is not a companion to his spirit is an enemy to people

and he

Who seems not in his self a friend dies despairing

For life springs from within a man and comes not from without him .

Many people have tried, over the years, to measure love but, of course, they never can. It may, just conceivably, be possible to assess the quality of a particular emotion. There is though, no way we can ever evaluate the quantity of it. You know why? Because if a love is true, it will never run out. The more it is expressed, the more of it there will be. Faith is also famously self-replenishing.

Do you believe in ghosts? They undoubtedly exist. What's more, they don't have to have anything to do with people who have departed from this realm. The folk who are still very much alive and kicking can haunt and spook us in a hundred different ways. And, of course, we have our memories. They lurk in the dark corners of our minds and leap out to scare us when we are at our most vulnerable. I now need to exorcise an uneasy spirit from the relatively recent past. It may yet prove easier to free myself from its power than I might think...but then again... We think we know so much, yet in reality we know so very little. This is not entirely due to a lack of information! Sometimes, the facts are staring us in the face but we refuse to see them. Our prejudices and our preconceptions are just too strong. Inwardly, we can tell that we are barking up the wrong tree. Intellectually though, we remain adamant. So somehow, we have to trick or trip ourselves up...So how about that exorcist?

"Just follow your heart." That's what people say. They make it sound simple. They imply that, if only we can get ourselves "in tune with our deepest feelings" everything will be simple. They forget that the impulse of the heart is not particularly logical. It doesn't just disagree with the head by taking the opposite point of view, it winds it up to a frenzy by taking a stance that makes no sense. Or even, by taking two stances at once! I followed my heart, and where did it get me? ... round in circles. Perhaps I can't try to force it to follow a straight line...but that will be a change!!

"Be willing to be surprised"...An old friend of mine once said! I guess, we all, even if we are open-minded, spend more time than we realise keeping the unexpected at bay. If we see something coming up that we can't be sure of, we do our best to get one step ahead. We don't necessarily run for cover or refuse to let change occur, but we set up a series of controls and checks. We try to ensure that we won't get swept off our feet or taken off at a tangent. Life though, always finds a way to rewrite our agenda sooner or later. It has a mission to remind us that we really don't know everything. Whenever we allow it to make this point, we profit. It is only when we refuse to be told that we suffer.

It's strange how sometimes, familiar things can suddenly seem very strange to us. We think that we really know a place, a person, a subject or a situation. Then, something happens to alter our perception. After this, we can never see things in quite the same way again. I have been through quite a journey of discovery - and rediscovery - lately. Infact I am still going down that road. Though some events have placed me under pressure, have created lots of stress and caused a feeling of an increased need for real, strong security, I want to believe the process to be essentially a positive one. I am learning a lesson now that will be of practical, profitable benefit to me for the rest of my life...Never trust anything or anyone!...call that pessimism...but hey...I never claimed to be an optimist...that is a myth!

Sometimes, you just can't get comfortable on the sofa no matter what you do. You can rearrange the cushions, change your position and shuffle around for as long as you like, yet somehow, you won't feel fully able to relax. Well picture me with that syndrome right now....It is like there is a situation that just doesn't feel quite right...not just like!...infact there is!....but I keep thinking I can waste an awful lot of time and energy in an attempt to fix things. Yet it may make a lot more sense to accept that there will be a problem, regardless of what I do, so I might as well do whatever is easiest...which you have repeatedly heard me say...turn and walk away...and you have also heard me say that I would never do that again...I have even confused myself with this double standard that somehow only I have managed to create....

You see the thing is, If I walk I have only disregarded a decision I made...but if I carry on worrying and looking for solutions, for something that obviously is not fixable I will just be hurting myself...and helping out the process of deterioration...with painful agenda!!!

So...to turn or not to turn....??

How are we supposed to get what we want? They say, One technique involves learning to want whatever you happen to have...Ok...fair enough... Apparently this ensures success every time, and If it does not much appeal to you, here's an alternative they say... Try making sure that whatever you want is really worth wanting, so if you get it, you will never feel let down, and if you don't, at least you will be able to console yourself with the knowledge that you were attempting to achieve something truly worthwhile.

I guess what they are trying to say is to hold out for the best , you may yet get it...it is that 'may' part that I don't buy!

Imagine being blindfolded and then taken for a walk. You are led to a ledge and then instructed to jump. You stand there psychologically preparing yourself for a brave leap into a chasm. You are flexing and tensing your muscles in the hope that these will absorb the impact when you finally land. Yet in fact, you have only a couple of feet to fall! In a way, this is exactly what is happening to me now!Exactly how I feel... I can't quite see what is coming next so I am preparing for the worst. I guess you can't win'em all. But then, nor can we lose 'em all! The law of averages dictates that sooner or later, no matter how badly things seem to be falling apart, something is going to have to come together.

It's a little funny really. We are trained from the earliest possible age, to be competitive. As schoolchildren we are pitted against our classmates. Throughout our adult life we are encouraged to make comparisons. Who are we better than? Whose standard have we yet to surpass? Yet life is not a sport nor a game. Winning and losing are shallow notions - of interest only to the intellectually bankrupt and the imaginatively barren. It's not a victory we need , it's a sense of satisfaction that we strive for! Something to make sense of...Something logical.....but then again...If we are all so fond of logic, reason, sense and strategy - why are there so many pubs? Why do so many of us spend so much time ingesting large amounts of poisonous liquid in an attempt to blur our brains and dull our wits? The truth of the matter is that we love to feel a little stupid and bemused! Indeed, there's only one thing that most of us enjoy more than confusion... and that's delusion! We all at one point or another seem to be entertaining a particularly ridiculous fantasy , and we tend to indulge a bit in its amusement and ignore it i If it upsetting us...as if casually walking away from it...easier said than done!

We take the familiar for granted and give undue respect to the unknown. That's why so many stupid things happen in the name of progress. That's why people are forever reinventing the wheel. If we've got something good, we don't appreciate it. Yet if something is lurking on the horizon, just out of sight, then no matter how shallow or dull it may truly be, we tend to imagine it contains the answers to all our prayers.

Faith, as far as I am concerned, is not something you can subject to analysis. Rather like love, it is something you either feel or you don't. You can't talk yourself into it or out of it, nor can you explain, justify or rationalise it. When you have got a good feeling that you want to support, there is no need to engage your intellect. At the moment though, I keep asking; Is it a lack of faith that I need to conquer? Is it that I need something my heart and mind alike can believe in? That certainly sounds like a bit of a far-fetched aspiration but I have had more surprises lately than I can count...so one never knows!

Have you ever watched a tree grow? Have you ever watched a flower open? Such processes take place slowly and subtly. Only through watching a film, speeded up, do we get to see how they really occur. This is why, sometimes, we can feel as if there really is no movement in our life. Nothing is changing or moving on, then suddenly, one day, we realise that things are very different and they will never be the same again!

'Talk things through' That is what the experts all advise us to do. If we have a problem they say we should get it off our chest. Share the burden. Get a dialogue going. The more we communicate with each other, the more we will foster mutual understand and respect. Or so, at least, the great psychologists tell us. But what if you find yourself trying to have words with someone who just winds you up? What if, the more you talk to a particular person, the more inclined you feel to run screaming for the hills. What if it doesn't work?....Is it ok to pull back, shut up, and let more time pass?
Eventually, we can get used to most things. If continually assailed by an unpleasant noise, we will find some way to 'filter it out', If confronted with a lingering, noxious odour, we will eventually shut down the receptors in the part of our brain that recognises such smells. We can even handle pain in this way if subjected to it often enough. Sometimes, though, we end up protecting ourselves unnecessarily. I now feel inclined to toughen up...!

Raftaniash Raftanian...Moondaniash Mimoonan!

'Fools' we are reliably informed, 'rush in where angels fear to tread.' This leads us to wonder what kind of angels they must be? Why should bona-fide angels be afraid of anything? They have the supreme being on their side, don't they? I am now sorely tempted to doubt anything involving delicate matters like this and just simply like to call them difficult situations. This may be an act of stunning self-sacrifice or extreme stupidity. They say we can't always have what we want. Or can we? What if we decide to want what we don't want? Then, the universe can only disappoint us by giving us what we do want! That's going to protect us, isn't it? Or then again, perhaps not. Through such use of convoluted logic, we cut off our nose to spite our face. We do things that make no sense. May be we are secretly afraid of success? Maybe we fear that we will not be able to cope if our deepest wishes are granted?

We dream of happy-ever-afters. We yearn for cosy cottages with roses round the door. We want to live in peaceful places where all are respectful of one another's needs. And the trouble with all this is? Well, there's no harm in dreaming but we need to remember that we live on planet Earth. There are a lot of jagged edges in the real world - and a lot of unresolved issues too. There are no miracle cures for problems. I may just have to accept things the way they are for a while. That will prove easy as long as I stop punishing myself with unrealistic ideas about perfect solutions. Because there is no such thing....

Perhaps I should make this week the last instalment in a silly saga. There is something that I need to clear up, sort out and move on from. I can't alter certain crucial factors but I can at least decide that I am not going to let them bother me as much in the future. I have been taking something or shall I say someone far too seriously. In allowing myself to feel so concerned, I have been placing a subtle but steady drain on my own power and strength. Now it's time to care a little less and accomplish a whole lot more. I can't, of course, become callous or careless - but I can (and must) perhaps make my key choices a little more dispassionately, while holding on to a broader sense of perspective... (So did Lili insist!)

People who honestly speak their minds are often regarded with suspicion. We live in a polite society. We are encouraged, from an early age, to hide whatever we truly feel and to say what is expected of us. Such behaviour may sometimes go against the grain. There are times when even the meekest and the mildest among us prefer to be upfront and direct, regardless of the social consequences...But are they really? Being upfront I mean? Or in some cases like my experience today, they are trying hard to look like they are being upfront to rectify a situation or doing it out of concern for you?... Tonight I realised though I am particularly disinclined to live out a lie - or to support a suspect supposition, but I have no choice...I was, of course, wonderfully diplomatic and delicate. But I still ended up annoying someone...and that someone wasn't anyone but me…because I sat there and listened to the things that were being said…no matter how contradictory they were to what was said before…and no matter how they conflicted with what the eyes said… Perhaps it doesn't much matter. It's important for the right things to be said and done. If they truly are right, they will end up having the right results...Perhpas sometimes it is easier to switch off and stop listening and just take in what the eyes say deep within, and that will be enough for you...just to know!


The past month was far too strange, everything started to happen at once. Maybe that was not especially unusual. Sometimes it seems as if life is divided into times of feast or famine with not much by way of middle ground. I am beginning to get use to this sudden change schemes, creating a vast amount for me to deal with, focus on, learn and adapt to. It seems as if I have far too much to do in a short space of time. Shall I assume that unexpected developments are convenient coincidences, not aggravating impositions? Shall I aim for quality not quantity and, if something can wait... let it!? Isn't it true that I can't eat every meal on the menu and I can't buy every product in the shop? Nor can I take up every offer that comes my way. You see, the real restriction isn't financial. It is to do with the fact that there's a limit to the number of things I can give my heart and soul to. Rich and poor alike have to whittle down their options sometimes. Variety may be the spice of life but spice needs rice or it isn't nice. Or, to put it another way, some basic and fundamental things need dealing with.


Driving home last night I was thinking, why does everything in this world seem to cost so much? Why does it always seem as though, even if the price is not high financially, it is high in some other way? Why must we always give so much effort, energy, time or emotional commitment in order to get anywhere or to attain anything? Why does it seem that we are being asked to spare more than we can supply? I don't want to let anyone down, nor do I want to deprive myself of something. Nonetheless, reality must be faced. Or mustn't it? Maybe I should keep on trying to come up with the perfect way to fulfil all of my current conflicting needs. I may yet manage to square the circle after all. Watching the sunrise I thought that I shouldn't need to worry about all the 'opportunities' that I may be missing or the 'responsibilities' that I may be failing to carry out fully...or giving away the things or the people I may care most for... For once the right key choices have been made in my life, whatever else I need will come….the fact that I had nothing to do with making the choices is of course irrelevant! Or isn't it?

When a key has a label attached to it, we can instantly tell how useful it may be to us. “Aha,” we say to ourselves, “that opens THIS door. Now I know where to keep it and when to use it.” In every home though, there’s a drawer somewhere containing unlabelled, unrecognised keys. We don’t throw them out in case they prove useful. Nor, though, do we ever bother to experiment with them... until we come across something that needs unlocking. For keys, read answers. For doors, read problems. For drawer read ‘back of your mind’.

I listened...and I looked deep in the eyes that contradicted what was being said...then in a mare moment... I realised I don't need to say anything...infact I no longer wanted to say anything...didn't want to shout, didn't want to make a point...didn't want to shed a tear for my own comforts sake...I couldn't even if I wanted to...it was as though my tears have dried up...It was as if I was going through that drawer in the back of mind...which was saying reserved for pointless arguments...put me in here right in the back...and lock me up once and for all!

So I did...and as I was throwing the key away behind me I felt that sharp pain, deep in my heart, closed my eyes and wished for erasing this moment of that part of the brain that archives everything!!! Hoping to loose the archive tape too!

God, they say in the Old Testament, made man in his own image. Let us hope that he did not also copy his own personality when he created the human race. For if God is as judgemental, narrow-minded, ignorant, arrogant, stupid and selfish as most people on this planet seem to be, then, Houston, we have a problem. Somewhere within we may all have the capacity to be loving, tolerant, kind, enlightened, wise and selfless, but we don’t half hide it! He also gave us selective memory, which without; few of us would get very far. We all subconsciously bury painful or embarrassing experiences. Every so often, though, events in daily life require us to dredge up these old wrecks from the bottom of our emotional ocean. With a sense of resentment, at best - or real anger, at worst - we set out to remember a day we might prefer to forget.

My situation, may well be producing just such a vivid reminder of yesterday. But hey everyone tells me to be optimistic, someone even said “perhaps this experience could yet reveal something well worth retrieving” ….blah blah blah….

Deep within the heart of every human being is a humble, simple soul. For all our sophistication, complexity and pride, we simply want to lead a happy, meaningful life. Our heart wants to feel safe; comfortable, comforted and content. That’s not some impossible, unattainable dream. It’s perfectly feasible to enjoy a life that contains very little stress and a great deal of joy. All it requires is perhaps a willingness to stop trying to rule a certain sector of the world. Maybe relax a little. Then relax a little more. If at all possible, go back to bed. According to one of my dear friends, “failing that, just don’t bother waking up too much. Avoid coffee. Drink camomile tea” .....I gave it a go...but had to wake up!


I need a boost, a break and a better way of leading life. Whilst I think I have been coping pretty well, I am now running out of cheerful, hopeful energy. What I want is for things to come more easily, for solutions to turn up more quickly and convincingly and for relationships to be less of a mixed blessing. Is that too much to ask for? Why should it be? If I don’t think an improvement is possible, then I must think again, as life will be so meaningless that way. I certainly deserve a treat…and it better come my way anytime soon…can’t live on camomile tea for ever you know…..Hello….anyone up there ? if you are listening…..I want my break…and cut this camomile tea crap!

All I have to do, if I want a certain process to stop at any moment, is to say ‘enough’. That magic word will almost instantly end the ride, the journey, the process or the problem. I am really not obliged to take more than I can cope with. I don’t have to go through any kind of endurance test. There has always been a part of me that feels it must put up with whatever the world is putting me through. Not so anymore. From now on the moment I feel inclined to assert my authority over a particular situation, I will do it . If the world is truly my oyster as people keep telling me, then I can be free to do whatever I want and whatever that makes me feel good, even if it is breaking someone's neck! Or screaming! Or kicking the bucket a few times...or sack a few people at work!! ( Perhasp the last one is a bit extreme!)...
Just a thought, but if as they say the world is infact my Oyster...then where the hell’s the pearl? Perhaps it is more accurate to view the world as my oyster farm, populated with molluscs in various stages of development. Some do, indeed, contain pearls but for various reasons, I feel more inclined to gaze longingly at the ones which are not yet ready. I want (or at least I think I want) a very particular pearl. Maybe in time, I can have it. Right now though, if I look in the right place, I can claim a whole string of other, no less wonderful prizes as long as I am not overly particular about it!...ya so they keep saying too...'Don't be Particular' about it!

I am beginning to feel thoroughly fed up with a particular person and a certain situation. I keep wondering what kind of a mistake I have made. In fact, I have nothing to regret, apologise for or 'undo'. All that's needed is an even more enthusiastic attitude on my part. Surely, there is a way to take a tough scenario and turn it into a source of pleasure and satisfaction. It involves storming ahead with energy, belief and commitment " regardless of how much cynicism, doubt or negativity surrounds it' or indeed, emanates from within my own mind. Shall I just ignore it all now? But that is what I always do...shall I run again? Shall I turn away and walk off? It seemed so easy before...but there is something strangely unknown and unfamiliar about this scenario this time...

Perhaps, It is time to redefine a role, rewrite a rule and give the heave-ho to a habit. For some while, I have been gazing wistfully into space saying: 'One day, I will change Factor X or solve Problem Y.' Each time I take a few tentative steps in this direction I get a sharp reminder of the reason why it is not so easy. Chastened, I step back again. There may never though, come a point where it's totally simple and easy. Sooner or later, I am going to have to summon some real willpower and determination.

Why wait till later? Sooner has arrived. If I seize this moment, perhaps I won't require another!!

There are points that need to be made, issues that ought to be discussed and matters that can no longer be ignored. The temptation is to wait until someone else says or does something. That though, merely gives away an advantage. But i guess I should be the one to take the bull by the horn and have the courage to open a conversational can of worms. There will, I can fairly safely bet, be an awkward moment when this first happens but it will be followed by a moment of much greater understanding, concord and communication. I don't normally away from what I know I must march bravely towards...but there is this strange heavy thing deep in my heart that is not letting me take a step.....

Why are we all so keen, so often, to get away from it all? What makes us feel that a change of scenery will heal or change something? Is it because, when we are outside our usual environment, we say and do things that at home we don't dare to? What I really want to make contact with now is my strength; the ability to be more resourceful, confident, and successful. Perhaps all this requires is a clear decision to stop following habit patterns which have been founded on false fear. I know I don't need to go anywhere different. I just need to see the current situation with fresh eyes. blah blah blah....

From the minute we arrive on this planet we are marked, measured, screened, segregated, examined, evaluated, appraised and assessed. They urge us to contest and compete, to pit ourselves endlessly against one another. As with all facts too painful to face, we somehow forget this. Then we just sit around wondering why our world is in such a sorry state. Why there is so little trust and co-operation. Why folk are so reluctant to care and share. Why it seems everyone is out for themselves?