Are you familiar with the Teletubbies? These four simple creatures with a fun-loving philosophy approach each new discovery with childlike enthusiasm. If they ever encounter stress, tension or apparent difficulty, they follow a failsafe policy: 'Run away, run away!' They cry out in their squeaky voices whilst waddling into the distance as quickly as they can. Now, at the risk of stating the obvious, I need to make a crucial point. I am not a Teletubby. Nor, despite the marvels of modern science, am I likely to become one. So, when faced with a scenario that I find threatening or worrying, I cannot just run away. Indeed, I really have no option other than to do the very opposite, But what about the fear of facing the ugly truth...so once again...I run...I turn back and run as fast as I can!

We don't say what we ought to say. We say what we think we ought to say. Then we wonder why nobody understands us. And, of course, because others are equally coy about their own deepest truths, we end up knowing little about the folk we are supposed to be closest to. Even when we really try to bare our souls, we experience great difficulty. We are not used to being honest. We don't know how to find the right words. And we often, rightly, suspect that our statements are not likely to be welcomed. Why rock all those boats, when it is so much easier just to leave the sleeping dogs alone.

We just can't help ourselves. We want everything to work and to feel just great. The problem with that is this. Planet Earth is full of things that look fantastic. Glorious trees. Stunning skies. Awesome oceans. Majestic mountains. We look at nature's rich abundance and feel sure that as we are also 'natural', we must posses that same capacity to shine. Then we look at the reality of our situation and realise that, somehow, it is not so simple. When faced with the car that needs mending, the bill that needs paying, the job that needs doing or the problem that needs solving, our belief in magic soon slips away. Yet deep within , there remains a divine spark, that somehow is waiting to ignite a flame of immense fulfilment.

Some folk are fast and fickle. They will happily say one thing one moment and another the next. They seem to be able to change their hearts just as quickly as their minds! I am not like that. I can't be adaptable and spontaneous but only on the surface. The deeper I dive into the ocean of my emotions, the more I find pools of loyalty and commitment that never change.
Isn't it true that if you ever care for someone for a moment, you care for them for a lifetime. As with people, so with causes. we just can't turn our back on those who may need our help. That's why it takes so long to adjust to new facts and realities. But it is also why, when we finally do move on, we do so with great grace!

We can't just put our feet up and wait for the world to bring us what we need. Neither, though, should we set out to strive with all our might. Somewhere between these two extremes, there’s a compromise. As nobody can accuse us of being idle, we must assume that, if we are veering towards one particular excess, it is probably an excess of effort. So here’s the question. In which area of life am I now ‘trying too hard’ to control a sequence of events? That beats me.... :(

I seem to have gotten use to listening to this before i go to bed!
http://www.naghmeh.com/sattar2.htm

Nikoo says: "Some things in life are desirable but inadvisable. Others are wise but dull. We spend far more time than we realise trying to juggle these items and factors. There's no point in doing something 'pleasing' if it creates a rotten problem. Nor is there much point in being sensible and restrained if it saps life of all fun and satisfaction. "

Mr T said : "Don't suggest that sensible yet boring/restrained things should not be done. If we don't do those things, they remain undone and may in turn undo us. Moreover, how can we be sure that we would enjoy the desirable things if we did not have a base of dull to compare with? If all life is fun, then we never achieve a high because it just becomes the norm. Accept your highs and lows as the complex mosaic that forms the most important thing: You!

As for that wild thing 'Inspiration', it's like a warm summer breeze - always welcome it for it won't last long, but never criticise it, for in so doing you will destroy the thing it brings."

We all hate to feel that we have been ripped off or taken for a ride. If we even so much as suspect that someone is trying to pull a fast one on us, our hackles rise. Our greatest enemy of all, though, is an inner thief. When we allow a voice from within our own mind to tell us that we have no right to be happy; or that we have to pay a heavy price for security - or that life is supposed to be hard and heavy, we really rob ourselves blind. I am tempted today, to indulge a pointless emotion. The question is whether I should guard against that notion? Do I need to try and not take anything away from my own entitlement to be happy!?

Inspiration is rude and badly behaved. It strides boldly into our life without knocking and, once it forces its way into our mind, it acts as if it owns the place. Then, when it feels inclined to depart, it just vanishes without so much as a by-your-leave. It won't though, ever come when we call for it. This elusive force gets away with such outrageous activity because it knows that it is always welcome. Perhaps if I want it to stick around when it shows its face next time, I should try not to criticise it and be open to accepting it!!?

Some people think stability is something you attain through being as prudent as possible. If you don't rock the boat, they argue, the boat will be less inclined to rock you. But the likes of me know differently. Trouble will always find a way to trouble me, regardless of whether or not I trouble trouble. How can I possibly try to create an island of conviction in the ocean of uncertainty? That's more than a lifetime's work. Perhaps the best I can hope to accomplish is a psychological surfboard. This will let me ride the waves of chaos, rather than be continually submerged by them.

Some things in life are desirable but inadvisable. Others are wise but dull. We spend far more time than we realise trying to juggle these items and factors. There's no point in doing something 'pleasing' if it creates a rotten problem. Nor is there much point in being sensible and restrained if it saps life of all fun and satisfaction.

Tonight some one said to me:

Just as no one can tell u how to feel about a beautiful sunset
No one can tell you how to live your life
You are the artist
And must shape your experiences
With your own hand

He went on and said :

If it should happen
That your dreams are shattered
Dont be affraid
Have the courage to pick up the pieces
And smile at the world
For dreams that are easily shattered
Can just as easily be rebuilt!!

???

امشب نشستم واسه دل خودم گریه کردم
واسه دلی که شکست
واسه دلی که ازتنهایی خودش بی خبر بود
واسه دلی که با چه امیدی بود و با چه نا امیدی مرد.
واسه دلی که تو پاییز موند
دیگه هیچوقت بهار نمیاد
این دل که مرد همه چی رو با خودش برد
دیگه ت�اوتی نداره سبز، س�ید، سیاه....
همه چیز بی م�هومه...
آدما میان و میرن...
روزها میان و میرن...
ولی شب همیشه اینجاست...
سیاهی دل ر�تنی نیست...
گریه کردم شاید اشکم شب را بشوره و ببره
شاید اشکم پاییز رو خسته کنه و بزاره بهار بیاد...
ولی دیگه سیل اشک من هم طاقت غم پاییز رو نداره
باز دلم شکست...
تو آینه نگاه کردم
و تو عمق چشام غمو دیدم ...
تو اون سیاهی تنهایی رو دیدم...
و عکس دل شکسته مو کنار رودخانه
زیر بارون اشکهام
امشب نشستم واسه دلم گریه کردم
واسه دل خودم
واسه دل تو
واسه دل همه اونایی که شبهاشون صبح نداره
و پاییزشون بی بهاره.
امشب نشستم واسه دلم گریه کردم
واسه دل خودم
واسه دل تو
واسه دل همه اونایی که نگاهشون به آینده �قط عمق غمو-
تو چشم هاشون می بینند...
امشب نشستم گریه کردم
واسه دل خودم
واسه دل تو
واسه دل شکسته رویا
واسه غصه پاییز
واسه تنهایی کاج تو زمستون
واسه قطره اشک قناری
واسه بارون
واسه دریا...
واسه دلی که مرد.

If it isn't one thing, it's another - or another or another. Hercules, in his mythical battle with the Hydra, found that as fast as he cut off one of her heads, she grew two more. I too seem to be encountering similar trouble wherever I swing my sword . Although I don't see myself as a person of Herculean strength, but I guess my own analogy was kind of encouraging . That's NOT what I need. To conquer the 'monster' that I face now, what's required is not brawn but brainpower. And that I seem to have - in abundance! So I think….Yesterday’s perfect solution is today's irrelevant idea. Life moves on and, as it does so, we must move on too. We can't keep repeating tried and tested formulas - nor can we assume, just because something once suited us down to the ground, that it will be perfect forever. Something new and different needs to happen now. I don't necessarily have to alter my situation nor I find the strength in me to do so…but I guess what I need to do is to look at things from a different angle.

It is time to move on. Subjects need to be changed. Lines need to be drawn. I did not come to this earth in order to spend my whole life thinking about one particular matter. Fascinating though it may be, I have to introduce a little bit of variety into my agenda.
....There, have I made my point clear?...Are we in agreement? Right then, so lets....Hey! What am I doing?... I can read your mind you know. I caught that thought. Let us try again. It is time to move on. Really, truly, it is. And soon, I really will start managing to do this.....I should stop talking to myself as well!!! This is not healthy!!!

We cannot exist forever on a diet of candy floss. We may love the taste and the way it melts in our mouth. We may also love those bright colours and the caramel smell of spun sugar. But... well, I don't really attempt to give you or myself dietary advice here, I am just drawing an analogy. What seems nice and tasty perhaps may not be the best option to take!!

Have you ever done something and then, thought to yourself afterwards, “Now why on earth did I do that?” Do you sometimes look back on your life and wonder what possessed you to make a particular decision? I only ask because... Well, because... I suspect I am being a little unfair on someone now. I can’t see why they are behaving as they are. But then since when have I been gloriously consistent? A little chaos is always part my days...And as for a little tolerance well, that’s what makes the world go round. If I want a relationship to pick up, May be I should stop being so down on it..but then again maybe they are being unfair on me...isn't that so that every action has a reaction?

First we thought the Earth was flat. Then we decided it was round. Latest findings suggest that it is actually pear-shaped. That explains everything. The more we find out, the more we realise there is more to know. But if we assume that everything in life is likely to end up slightly pear-shaped, we won't go too far wrong! Nothing is perfect. Nobody gets it right every time!!! ( I am trying to talk myself into feeling better about the current events...so go with it;)

People love to talk. Often though, the more they say, the less they actually communicate. Words can help us to hide our true feelings just as much as they can allow us to express them. With our clever explanations and our well-rehearsed justifications, we can make any decision sound reasonable. Yet the fact remains that all our choices are based on something much more powerful and persuasive than intellect. A gut reaction! Our feelings count for far more than we often realise! I guess, It is easy to do what you know how to do. It is difficult to do what you don't! Now I know what you are thinking; “She is stating the obvious.” Ah, but some things are just so obvious that we cannot even see them! Our world is full of people who are busy repeating old experiences. Despite the endless possibilities that we are all theoretically entitled to explore, we end up going round in the same old circles, bringing ourselves a choice between the devil we know and the devil we don't. Er... If we don't know the new devil, how can we be sure it isn't an angel?
What do I believe? And what do I just think I believe? These distinctions are subtle in one way, crucial in another. We take an awful lot for granted. We don't question ourselves any more than we have to. Once we are happy that we know where we stand with regard to a particular situation, we try not to entertain any further thought. After a while though, if we don't freshen up our ideas and attitudes, they grow dusty and stale. I love to feel there is an explanation for everything. There may be. But that doesn't mean I can always see what it is? Perhaps I shouldn't ever feel obliged to produce that explanation in order to justify my actions or anyone else’s. We are allowed to do things without knowing quite why. We are entitled to our instincts and urges. Far better to be honest about these and concede that they represent some kind of primeval impulse than to take the route favoured by so many intellectuals who just disguise their unreasonable impulses by using long, complex, reasonable sounding arguments.

I am beginning to see something vital about what I really feel. It may or may not reveal something about why I really feel it. But that’s secondary!

People talk a lot about closure and completion. They speak of moving on and letting go. The implication here, is that life is a series of short stories. In reality though, it is an intricately-woven novel. A carefully plotted blockbuster in which various threads recur – casting new light on old dramas, each time they do. All the world may well be a stage – and we may all well be players but our scripts come late. There is never enough time to rehearse. And we often find ourselves repeating lines that we have used many times before. Am I going to go round the same old treadmill once more without actually getting anywhere? Or am I going to make a big breakthrough? ...I guess I'll never know unless I let things happen....

People say we should always have positive expectations. But, for the sake of safety and sanity, we need a little cynicism and pessimism. We can't just assume, for example, that someone who has behaved atrociously will suddenly turn into a lovely person just because they say this is what they are intending to do. Nor, having just run a bath should we ever step confidently into it because we trust that it is going to be the perfect temperature. It is our ability to envisage a negative that stops us from being burned. I guess what I need to get my head around now is to "First run a test. Then get my hopes up!"

Some "new eras" begin with a whimper then leave you waiting so long for a bang that you begin to wonder if it will ever come. Others start with fanfares, raising expectations which are then not fulfilled for ages. Maybe today will be much like yesterday. Maybe tomorrow will be too.

God, they say in the Old Testament, made man in his own image. Let us hope that he did not also copy his own personality when he created the human race. For if God is as judgemental, narrow-minded, ignorant, arrogant, stupid and selfish as most people on this planet seem to be, then, Houston, we have a problem. Somewhere within we may all have the capacity to be loving, tolerant, kind, enlightened, wise and selfless, but we don't half hide it! Right now though, I am being given a chance to reveal my inner divinity! Oh yes...be scared....very scared!!!!

Psychologists call it 'displacement.' We feel frustrated about something serious but it seems we are unable to influence the situation. So we transfer our attention to something trivial and get angry about that instead.( Like I do now...with work and every small detail gets to me!) Or we create a fantasy realm; a jolly little bubble full of false priorities and warped perspectives. We kid ourselves that our world is the real world. It comes as something of a shock when we discover that it is not. I guess for some while it is a good attempt to avoid an awkward truth. Now, do I get to face it and discover that I have power over it? Or do I walk away on the account that I might have no power over it?

"Once bitten, twice shy." Through the over-enthusiastic use of this motto, millions have been persuaded to give up on goals or ideals that might have been very rewarding. Of course, if something poses us a big problem when we encounter it, we must be careful about how we approach it next time. But to give up and walk away from someone or something, just because we have experienced a little pain and inconvenience, is to be cowardly not clever. The question is..am I brave enough to try again? Would it work? So many if's and but's and maybe's...and only one "It may just work for me."!

They say, "Blessed are they who have no expectations, for they shall not be disappointed." It sounds profound until you realise the opposite is also true. "Cursed are they who fear disappointment, for they will never entertain a brave belief." Sometimes, you just have to go beyond your inhibitions. You have to take a leap of faith. At such times, one is entitled to assume that the universe will grant some protection. But not quite sure precisely what kind!

Sometimes, you can be your own worst enemy. And sometimes, you can be your very best friend. The problem here, is that I can't always tell which part me is acting out at any particular point. My tone of voice doesn't change, nor does my demeanour. So how am I supposed to know whether it is safe to take my own advice!? Nor, of course, can I just ask someone else for their opinion, they may well be biased. Any suggestion? No matter how I feel, whether most strongly and passionately now, shall I trust it? One way in which I can always do myself a very big favour, is to avoid doubting me unnecessarily...but does that apply here? Is it relevant...shall I let things just take their natural flow...or shall I step back in fear as I always do and let this pass by too?

I may make you wonder, I may make you smile

I may bring the tears to your eyes

But when I disappear, god , you’ll wish I was here

With my

Lullaby’s legends and...

So open the bottle and pass the guitar

And look in my warm loving eyes

I’ll take you to places you aint been before

With my lullabies

Legends

And l

Lies

Where's the pause button? Surely, there must be one somewhere. Can life really be this relentless? One thing after another, day after day, after day? Where's the rewind?Where's the fast-forward? Why do we seem to have so little control over the pace and passage of time? Much though I might like to,I can't now put a particular process in the deep freeze. Nor can I speed it up or slow it down. But I do have one rather wonderful option. I can learn to live with things just the way they are, As they change, I can change. As they don't, I can accept. I can learn to be happy with things the way there are...

Do any of us really know ourselves? For a while, of course, we think we do. But then something will happen. Our circumstances will change and we will realise that there are aspects of our own personality that we never knew existed. Sometimes, we will discover talents that we never knew we had. Sometimes, we will encounter fears that we had previously been unaware of. If we can surprise ourselves, it is no wonder that others can also surprise us. I am now starting to see a certain person in a new light. Whether it proves a highly inspiring discovery I don't know!

Goldfish, we are told, have a very short memory span. That's how they can cope with being cooped up in a tiny tank. It's a nice idea but it doesn't explain why koi carp, in more natural circumstances, can find their way to and from locations many miles apart. The notion of such speedy forgetfulness is probably wishful thinking. How great it would be if only we could blot out awkward memories of the past! I am not asking for a chance to wipe the slate clean and begin again. I do, though, ask for the ability to look at what's on that slate from a different perspective.

Only in history books do new eras dawn on particular days. In reality, they gradually make their presence felt. We can point back to a drama or a crisis and say, “This was the turning point.” But at the time it is happening, there is always a degree of overlap. The past does not conveniently get out of the future's way. The old tries to mix and merge with the new. To the casual observer or even to the eye of the person with a strong vested interest, it can be hard to see whether an innovation is just a flash in the pan or a true sign of things to come. I can't decide what I really feel or think about recent intense developments. But that’s probably because a trend is not yet well established. Maybe I should give it more time.

I looked back at the years that have passed...and today...

June 9th 1988 First time I thought I fell in love
June 9th 1989 moved to a new country...not just a new school
June 9th 1993 High School Graduation
June 9th 1999 University Graduation,
Those 3 little words that say more than a picture ( I love u!)
June 9th 2000 His Graduation
June 9th 2001 Closed a big chapter of my life...end of an era perhaps

Today June 9th 2003, the UK is going to join the Euro or maybe Not, and I guess that is the only important thing that could mark this day...because I am planning to close the thought of the importance of this day!! Some things need to be erased...Some people too!

Why do we need enemies? Perhaps we don't. Perhaps it is quite sufficient merely to have a particular type of friend! Some people, through kindness or innocence, can create drama by the bucketful. They can also generate plenty of difficulty and leave us feeling extremely challenged. When we have such friends, we, may not be particularly likely to enjoy an easy life but it is less likely that we will have a lot of opponents. Aggressive conflict only tends to come to folk whose regular companions don't question them enough. There's little chance of that now! Someone in my world is taking a lot of energy and concentration. It seems like a drama that continues to intensify this week but I have a feeling its ultimate outcome will be beneficial to all. I tend to ignore it and just focus on one particular aspect at the moment that has taken over my mind at the moment...maybe I will stop planning ahead and just enjoy the day too!

Leili said something interesting today...after the trail of text messages of which I could hardly get my head around, as I was in a complete different universe today, I guess the bulk of the matter was that : "you only feel alone when you are not there for your self!"....

They say, "You can't judge a book by looking at its cover." But as a matter of fact, these days, you can. Book-jacket designers everywhere strive tirelessly to assure an instant, accurate association, between the images on the front and the words within. Books we can consider quite safe to purchase on a whim at the checkout, but we would be pretty silly to consider that people are quite so transparent. We can't judge a soul by the body it happens to be living in. We can't judge the kindness of the heart from the sharpness of the intellect. Perhaps it is wrong of me to make assumptions, perhaps I should make inquiries instead. If I don't actually ask for what I want, then when I get it and it turns out to be not quite what I was hoping for, I can blame someone else. Or, at least, I can feel entitled to reject it. This is more or less the reason why I am always so careful about expressing a preference. Plus, of course, fear of disappointment as nothing in life is more painful than rejection. Maybe a good way of avoiding the experience is to pretend that there’s nothing I want to ask for! ....Sometimes, it is better to have a gap in life than to fill the time with an unsatisfactory activity. The wrong kind of something can be a lot more harmful than the right kind of nothing! There comes a point though, where we are better off making any move than none. Even if we create a problem, we can then set about clearing that problem up. Whereas, if we just hang around waiting, it may be ages before any change occurs. I shouldn't really need to think about this...or perhaps I should? I am by nature a participant, not an observer. Oddly though, I now seem to be thinking too much about a matter that is perhaps best responded to instinctively...... I don't want to do that to myself now. I sit here and think, for a moment, about the very best thing I could possibly get...but is it available? Perhaps, I should tell myself "don't poke it. Don’t scratch it. Don’t fiddle with it in any way. Just leave it alone." ...perhaps that is the best advise I can give myself....let things happen and don't be scared...give it a chance and stop thinking of what might be!!!

There are experts all around. We only have to pick up the paper or turn on the TV. Indeed, often we need not make even that much effort. We can hear voices of consummate confidence just by listening to the friends who have an opinion about everything or the family members who know it all. How lucky we are to be surrounded by such clever characters. And what about us? Are we experts too? Do we know a thing or two? Does our own experience count for anything? Right now, my perspective doesn't seem just relevant, it seems essential, indeed. I feel I have the power to make an enormous difference. Trust myself? I guess I should.....

We all want to stay cool, calm and in control. We fancy ourselves as the strong, silent type. We want to be able to take everything in our stride. Yet happily, this is one fancy none of us can fulfil for any length of time. We have emotions. Wild, powerful, passionate urges and impulses that race through our hearts and minds. They cause endless trouble, but at least they prove that we are real human beings – not robots or Vulcans. For some strange reason, I now feel inclined to apologise for the way I feel. Perhaps I shoudn't!! I am fully entitled to the experience – and perhaps I should trust it. It is giving me a headache...you know, sometimes, when you wake up from a particularly intense dream, there's a sense of sadness. Likewise, when a good movie ends or an enjoyable book hits the final chapter. We don't want to return to reality. We are keen to prolong the fantasy. Lots of people strive to lead their whole lives in a state of delusion. They will go to almost any lengths to keep up a pretence. This is all fine during times of disappointment and deprivation. We may as well create an alternate world for ourselves if the real one is sadly lacking. But I have been dreaming for too long and right now, I seem to have an amazing, real-life opportunity. Maybe I am getting my wake-up call!? There is this voice in my head that tells me " Don't resent it – just leap up gratefully and seize what's on offer."....But the catch is...I have trouble seeing what is happening!!!

When things change in my world, they change suddenly. The build-up may be gradual but the moment of truth comes from nowhere and establishes itself at the speed of greased-lightning. The whole thing is rather like watching a balloon being blown up to the point where it finally pops. It often seems amazing how much energy or air can be absorbed. I keep thinking, something has surely got to give soon but it doesn't. And then, the point of no return is brief. What's coming up for me? Liberation! The imminent, instant end of a struggle I feared would go on forever?

Perfection is not easily attained. Indeed, there are some who might argue, that it is totally unattainable. No human being can create it. It exists only in nature. This, of course, does not stop many others from striving. Yet perhaps, we are trying for the wrong thing. Perhaps, instead of wrestling to create perfection we should be learning how to recognise and appreciate it. Perhaps we are too quick to see imperfection all around us. I may not be able to do much to improve a difficult situation but perhaps I can do plenty to alter the way I look at it!!

"All the world's a stage." said Shakespeare. But then, he was a professional dramatist. Is it really true? Are we all merely players? Or was he exaggerating? Certainly, we all play many parts. Life requires us to act out roles – especially if we are to take our responsibilities seriously. Although, while we are doing this, we do not see ourselves as pretending, this may be just because the part requires us to throw ourselves into it, body and soul. This weekend I got to see a new script in which I was cast as a very different character. Whether it proves to be highly rewarding or highly disappointing is something only time can answer!

People have a love/hate relationship with change. Some claim to want it, but resist it when it actually arrives. Others insist they are happy with everything just as it is. Secretly though, they are always planning revolutions. Change is rather like beer or blue cheese. More often than not, we must learn to like it. It grows on us slowly. Yet after a while, we develop an addiction. A return to the old way seems unthinkable. We just want more and more of the new. Bearing all this in mind, we can look at the dramas and disappointments that unfolds around us. To answer the question, "Is there a problem?"...perhaps the best fit answer would be "Only if you think there is! Only if you can't see round the next corner to the corner beyond."... The journey we embark can be the one we will never regret making! or the complete opposite...but i guess life is all about taking risks after all!

Some people insist that the word "impossible" is not in their dictionary. It IS in mine but the definition is a little different. Most people use this word to describe the reason why something cannot be done. To me, it describes the reason why other people think something cannot be done! I suppose there are many reasons why I might decide not to do something, I may conclude that a task is likely to prove unrewarding. Or dull. Or too time-consuming. But I suppose the art is not to be put off by a small matter like impossibility and it is important to make sure, that I keep my standards nice and high!

Lots of people seem to think that we are each on this earth to learn a lesson. Even i say that sometimes just to make myself feel better after disappointments...But if that's the case, where's the blackboard? And the timetable? And ought there not to be exams every so often? Maybe the lesson is that there is no lesson to learn! Maybe the point is that there is no point! Maybe we are here, not to achieve or understand anything, but simply to appreciate and enjoy the magic of it all. And maybe all we need to learn is how to be happy even when we are not quite getting what we think we want.

Is life really offering us a gift which we must learn to try and accept it gracefully? If so....can I choose my gift paper!?

it's funny how certain scenarios crop up time and time again. No matter where we go or what we do, we find ourselves experiencing the same old needs. We get hungry for food, love or excitement. We require reassurance about money, love or health. We grow desperate for sleep, love or support. Some items crop up on every list! Will there ever come a day when we can satisfy every need? Of course not! But a day when our heart feels so full that it simply has no room in it for stress? Maybe.......just maybe!

You can't put a price on a daydream. But to give you some idea of comparative value, consider this. Hollywood blockbusters can easily cost more than 100 million dollars to make. They last only a couple of hours and just cannot compete with the images you can conjure in your mind’s eye at any time. A personal vision can provide a lifetime of entertainment and distraction. It can be endlessly reshot and re-edited. It never grows old. Why be in such a hurry to get "back down to earth?"...My big idea is precious to me and, to me and indeed only to me it has a lot more resonance with reality than one might think!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

People often speak about going "on a journey of self-discovery." They make it sound like a trip to the shops. "Oh, I am just setting out on a personal quest... save me some supper if I'm late back ." In reality, such expeditions last forever. The "self" is not some finite thing that you can explore like a building. The more you learn about who you really are, the more you realise how much more there is to discover. So it would be silly to think or imagine or even assume that soon I will complete an investigation no matter how close I am in taking a significant step into territory I have never encountered before. Could it be that a revelation awaits? But isn't that true about every day in life...and every step we take to go to the next day?

Is everything predestined? Are we playing out parts that were written long ago? Or do we have choice? Can our actions influence the way things turn out? Well, that's a long debate. Some time, when you and I both have a decade to spare, perhaps we can give it the concentration and discussion it deserves. Meanwhile, I don't think I would go far wrong this weekend if I work on the following principle; Whilst the future of some things may hang in the balance – and some destinies may well be subject to change – the outcome of my highest priority project now, should perhaps be a forgone conclusion... in my favour?! ....I bloody hope so!

So here you are, at the top of a diving board. Way down below you can see what you hope, is a large pool of water... Are you ready to jump? Well, if not, what are you doing up here?
I guess when you are put on the pedestal like that you suddently realise that you have picked a fine time to decide you don’t much fancy the adventure. Is it possible to shuffle back to the steps and make your way back down? Probably – but do I now really need to make such an undignified retreat?

Perhaps my doubts and misgivings are only natural....umm too many questions....too many choices....no right answer!!!!

LET ME EAT MY CAKE!!!!

Open the packet and just add water... Follow the easy instructions...Snap your fingers and hey presto!
Oh, if only it were all so simple. Sadly, even in this high-tech push-button age, some things have to take their time. Emotional processes absolutely cannot be hurried. We cannot simply force ourselves to change the way we feel. Gradually though, we can re-train our hearts and minds. I have been working for some while now on a different way to respond to some powerful triggers. I have had my tests of that new strength.Also been told by many; " Fear not, you will pass with flying colours"...but hey...I guess things in my case are just flying...transparently!!

Library shelves creak and groan under the weight of learned tomes. They contain more books than you and I could ever plough through – even if we were to make it our life’s work AND enrol on a speed-reading course. Ought we to feel uncomfortable about the amount of information we are never likely to digest?

Might there be something missing from our lives? Well, that rather depends on whether you believe that the universe is essentially complicated – or basically simple.

Right now, I can safely assume the latter. What I don't know, won't hurt me and I don't need to know. So I will just relax.

"Watch please as I swing this crystal pendulum back and forth. Fix your gaze on the stone and follow it. Back and forth. Back and forth. You are feeling sleepy. Very sleepy. When I count to three, you will descend into a deep trance. One, two, three. OK. Now tell me honestly please, what are you really trying to achieve in your current situation? Thank you. That makes a lot more sense. When I count to three again, you will wake up and remember nothing. One, two, three. Ha! "

....That might come familiar to those of us who go to fortune tellers...or I don't know those hypnothisers...( is that what they are called!)....Anyway..not matter what they tell us, after a while, we get used to things the way they are. It doesn’t much matter whether they are good or bad, pleasing or disappointing, comfortable or awkward. We just become familiar with the world we know and we start to feel a little strange about change. But of course, nothing stays the same forever. Oddly, ironically, we encounter developments that once we couldn’t wait for. Yet we are not quite sure how we feel about these. I guess the key is to hold on for a bit ...step back and look at the direction with one more glance....


We all like to think of ourselves as invincible, infallible and immortal. Perhaps, in a way, we truly are all of these things. Invincible because, though others can sometimes hurt us, they can never destroy us. Infallible, because even when we appear to have made a mistake, we may have been doing the perfect thing for reasons that have yet to become clear. Immortal because, although our bodies do not live forever, our souls are made of energy. And energy has no beginning or end. Not convinced? Well, tough.....

The devil, they say, is in the detail!!! aha... I'm not so sure myself. It's a very strange place for the Prince of Darkness to reside. Why hide there when you can walk abroad and wreak havoc in the world of general principles? You can spread plenty of paint with a broad brush and you can spread plenty of mischief with a broad-based assumption.

Can one really stir up quite as much trouble with some fiddly-widdly, petty, predicative factor?

I don't think it is the detail we need to look at...It is the big idea. Need to ask just one question, who does it benefit most?

You can walk down the same street a thousand times and think you know all it contains. Then you can make that journey once more and find it full of surprises!! This may either be because something different has happened on the road... or in your head!!Often, our attitudes and expectations trap us in a dull world where little ever alters. Most of us only ever see what we want to see so it doesn't really matter how much there is to wonder at?...We will happily ignore it if it doesn't fit in with our big idea about what's going on. Until, that is, we get a surprise that hit us so bad that as they say 'we don't know..what hit us!' ...like today... with fresh eyes, I am starting to recognise fresh possibilities.
I try hard to be sensible. I follow rules religiously. I think of the most great people I have ever met/read about/known somehow and try to emulate their example. Ultimately though, it is all in vain. The problem, you see, is that we are living in a crazy world. It’s a madhouse and the most dangerously certifiable inhabitants are the ones who purport to be sane. I am not quite sure whether to laugh or cry about a certain factor. Laugh!...perhaps then I’ll see why it's not a problem after all. Cry!...perhaps then I'll feel better about lifes surprises...lies and deceits....

Whatever I do...I will always have a problem trusting others...and I will always be asking myself Why?...because no one else would have a reasonable explanation.....do you?

Some people think that the way to win an argument is to shout as loudly as possible. Others know that the true trick is to say as little as possible. If someone is wrong then sooner or later they will trip themselves up regardless of how much or how little they are challenged. Ok...I guess I could do that...The only trouble with this gloriously effective technique is that it requires the self-discipline of a saint! Which I don't think I am... In remaining silent one risks being unfairly accused of complicity. I guess it is important not to let the passion get the better of me. I suppose if I remain quiet and polite I will yet be presented with a perfect chance to prove an important point....ummmm would I though? or can I actually be quiet...??? ( stop shacking ur head u lot!!!)

Anyway isn't it true what folks say about 'Winning is for losers'? Of course their rational is that the people who are truly cool are not interested in petty point-scoring. They understand that "to get one over" on an opponent is to short-change yourself. It is to make an unfortunate trade - to swap a temporary state of euphoria for a permanent sense of sanguinity.

All who live on Funfair Earth should remember that the swings and the roundabouts never stop. For as long as you ride them, you will be up one moment and down the next.

I guess I shouldn't see my current difficulty as a challenge to rise to but as a chance to develop a deeper understanding!

Happiness and sadness are two sides of one coin. Their relationship is as intricate and inseparable as the bond between day and night. To declare a preference for one over the other is to imply that you cannot see the hidden link. Does that mean that we must experience both in equal measures?
......Of course not. Those who love the night soon find a way to sleep throughout the day.

I guess what we need to remember is that "to desire anything too intensely brings potential for disappointment!".

Life is not a dress rehearsal. But then again, nor is it a play. We cannot expect anyone to write our lines for us. Nor should we imagine that every situation follows a pre-defined plot. And we ought to be particularly careful about taking on a role!

Shall we have an open discussion on this? I don't even know how to set that up on my blog....but if you have comments on 'Is a hand just a hand?' u can email me on Nikoog@hotmail.com....

I promise to post the responses.....as I will the conversation I had with a friend of mine tonight on this subject!!

Is a hand just a hand?

oh yes...I meant to say how my exam went today....god....I seemed to have a mental block as soon as I looked at the questions...I bluffed my way through corporate strategy...But the funny thing is that...as soon as I got in the car...I kept remembering the right answers....What? Couldn't this come to my head half an hour ealier!!!? I guess such is life!!! Yet again.....

It's a funny old thing really. We pride ourselves on our intellect yet there are millions of things our brains can never comprehend. Try, wrapping your mind around the concept of infinity......Or eternity! We can use those words but we cannot grasp their meaning. When we sit down to imagine a universe that goes on forever and ever, we just start to boggle. Likewise, when we think about time that has no beginning and no end. So, if we cannot understand such fundamental factors - basic building blocks of existence itself - how can we expect to understand anything else?
I guess sometimes our heart is talking much more sense than our heads!!! Don't u agree?

Why is it that when there's an awkward topic of conversation, people will often avoid it? They will decide not to mention a particular problem. They will step politely around the edges of a conflict or disagreement. That's very nice in one way but it can create a false sense of security – to say nothing of a very shallow dialogue! Nothing ever improves because nothing is properly discussed. Misunderstandings multiply because no exchanges are entirely honest.....well i guess that is life...ha?

Of course, if our expectations are unreasonable, they can never be met. Everyone knows that, don't they? Well, everyone may know it but that doesn’t necessarily mean it is true!!! Is it now!???? There are many myths and misconceptions that the inhabitants of this planet cling to with great faith....Many subscribe to the notion that it is best to cut your coat according to your cloth and to work within your limitations.
In conjunction with that...a close friend of mine is under the illusion that Anything is possible... in fact...she claims she has empirical evidence to prove...on the other hand i can give her empirical evidence contradictory to her believe...any how...she seems to win...once again....now my mind bares the question.....Should that last sentence read, "Anything within reason?"....or No! Perhaps she is right and I should be more ambitious?!

If a situation makes us uncomfortable, it usually seems easier to ignore it than to deal with it. We figure that if we just grit our teeth and put up with things, they will change of their own accord. Or we just decide to do our best to accept things. Often we find that we can put up with an awful lot, as long as we somehow find a way to push it to the back of our mind. Well ..I do anyway! Yet, whenever I try to kid myself about anything, I compromise the ability to recognise reality. That’s never good. Sometimes iI have to give this putting away business a break and have a look at what’s been swept under the carpet.

You know when you find life frustrating. And when dreams just don’t seem to come true, and hopes get raised, then cruelly dashed. After a while, you are suppose to grow wise or so, at least, I think. Then you start lowering your standards. Expecting less. Protecting yurself from disappointment by setting only the most modest aspirations.

But then you wake up...it is Like a rubber ball, you keep bouncing back. And hope that every so often, you score big...and hope for chance to work some very real magic.

Athens....Last weekend!!

Sunday
6:30 am

Oh for god sake…what is razor-sharp object piercing into my eyelids…I try and to force myself to open my eyes…but I fail desperately …put my head under the duvet and turn…

6:35 am
…I can hear a loud…ZZZzzzzz which occasionally becomes …Khhhhorrrr with a random frequency…I toss and turn a few more times before my brain gets into gear…I close my eye lid…and see bright little dots…and damn…. razor-sharp array of light…close my eyes again in form of lady bird trying to escape a naughty 7 year old boys trap and now the room is spinning…bloody hell what is that scratching noise?

6:37 am
I look towards the light again…oh I see…it must be the sun coming through the curtains…what time is it I think to myself? I fish for my mobile phone on the arm of the sofa bed and I read 4:37…ummm trying to get brain to function arithmetically and do a plus 2 unconsciously!!!

It is 6:37 am in Athens, I am sleeping on the sofa bed in Alexandra’s flat next to the queen of snoring…man I wonder how her husband sleep with her at night… R, or chipmunk as we call her…since she squeaks in a chipmunk’s style when she is high...normally on Pepsi that is, is a friend of mine from university.

Now I remember this happened last night too…and I wowed that I will get Dee to sleep on the sofa tonight…damn I was too tired to remember….

6:40 am
I slip out of the bed and walk towards the window, I can hear the horns from outside…wow Greeks are early risers…it is Sunday for god sake! I pull the curtain away and open the first door (two doors instead of double glazing…odd!)…and I can hear a man’s voice shouting… ‘kalimera’ , which reminds me of calamari and the fact that I am hungry…but in actual facts means good morning in Greek!

As I open the door to the balcony….the scent of orange tree blossoms ( bahar narenj) hits me and reminds me of my grand fathers place in Chalous…for a few moment I had flash backs of the garden and the little ‘Parchin’…and orange trees above the little pool ( houz!)…!!

Back in Athens, it is almost 7 am and people are just coming home from the late night adventures, I am not surprised, these guys start going out at 3 am…I feel so old!! I wanted to go to bed at 1 am…and Dee and Alexandra had to drag me along in the busy streets where people were sitting outside of Café’s in the pavement drinking merrily…and I was pulling faces in style of ‘mishe bekhabam’!

I was kind of woken up by the time we got to this club called the Privilege, was pretty amusing. A big barn type club with roman style furniture and red velvet setting, a delicate but amazing chandelier and get this…no roof…so you could see the stars while you are drunk on Orzo ( some red vodka thing!), comfy sofa’s…not too mention good looking Greek blokes!!

I read some where that; Alexander the great followed a policy of integration between the Greeks and the Persian communities, encouraging marriages and applying the formula of magnanimity and generosity, which had formerly brought success to Cyrus.

I smiled to that thought as I recalled last nights experience…ummm…I guess I couldn’t argue with Alexander!


7:05 am
Found my way to the kitchen through suitcases, lighters, and something sharp that I am guessing was some ones hair pin and make an attempt to make some toast! But am too sleepy and go back to bed! Put the pillow over my ears to lock out the ‘Khor khor’…and the merry Greeks already up in their balconies….

7:10 am
…tossing and turning….I thought after a while, you get used to a new mattress. You find a position in which you can just about sleep. You learn to lie with your back away from the bumpiest bit, turning your feet so that they don’t fall into the saggy part. And when you finally get to rest on your own bed, it feels odd, wrong somehow. You almost miss the contortion.

10:30 am
What the heck is going on now!!?…I feel a kick…and the following squeaky noise…oi…wake up…! Move your bum…it suffocates me…!!
WHAT? ...here is the queen of sophisticated sleeping telling me my very attractive (I would like to think!) Iranian style bum (pear shaped...in case u are wondering) suffocating her…while I have hardly had a few hours sleep from her snoring…I could swear at her in Farsi…but that won’t go well as she knows all the responses better than me and her memory is rather good...in fact she can be Mnemosyne… (i.e. the Titan of memory and the mother of Muses!!!)…so I leave it at that…pull the duvet to my side and kick her out of the bed….

10:40 am
Dee is very mad at R (you can see her infuriating looks...like I am going to take revenge so bad...u won’t know what hit u!)…she has just woken the whole house up…with excitement of course…come on look at the sun…we are going to miss the ferry!

Oh yes…we are suppose to go to an Island…damn…I wish we haven’t mentioned that to her!


11:30 am
There was no point in resistance…we looked like the ‘ghoshoone shekast khordeh englisa’ in Daee Jan Napoleon’s war stories verses Mash Qasem’s incredible courage and credibility!

I got out of bed while R has put the music from Greek MTV…’go shorty it is your birthday’ to full blast…So I made the run for the shower before I get attacked by 3 other chicks to fight for it!!

I have now my Ice coffee out of the blender sitting in the balcony in the sun watching the people go by…the lady on the opposite balcony is airing her sheets while the one next door is reminding me of a scene we familiar to us all in Iran just before Nourouz and so called ‘Khane Tekani’…yes you guessed it…she is airing the carpets…’Farsh mitekooneh..’….this made me smile ….and then the funniest thing happened…I heard a van passing by with a loud speaker…selling vegetables…oh man…they have ‘Namaki’s and ‘Sabzi foroush’ here too…amazing!!

I guess little things make a big difference. Deft, delicate touches can transform the ordinary into the extraordinary. They can make something dull seem fascinating. They can make something cheap seem expensive. I am not trying to claim that style counts for more than substance but in a surprising number of incidences, the two have almost equal weight. Right now, I seem to have the bulk of what I need… a break from the ordinary!

3:00 pm

Finally, we are on the Ferry on the way to Hydra, an Island that we have been told by Alexandra has no cars and the means of transport are beloved donkeys!!!

Settling in my plane like seat on the ferry, I opened my book to read, but my eyes are too tired and I just decided to let them wonder off.

The city that gave birth to democracy, Athens brims with culture, history and currently builders. There’s a heck of a lot of re-development taking place to resolve the usually grid locked streets in time for the Summer Olympics which return in 2004. Athens has always been a city of change and although much of the modern city is a result of post-war dollars from the United States, a lot of its history is coloured by the occupation of the Romans and Turks. While the Parthenon can’t fail to impress, standing atop of the Acropolis for the last two thousand six hundred odd years, a lot of the cultural treasures were looted by other nations in the eighteenth century. My history is not good, but I guess they do hold a lot of grudge against the Iranians…after all we weren’t’ exactly friends 2000 years ago were we!?

We all learned the story from fifth-grade world history and ninth-grade civics. In the beginning, all was darkness, except for some little pockets of organized life in China, India, and the eastern Mediterranean. Then light broke upon the Aegean Sea, and the Greeks discovered democracy and the worth of the individual. The light was almost extinguished by Christian superstition but began to shine all the brighter in the Renaissance and Reformation, bursting into flame during the Enlightenment, which culminated in the American and French Revolutions, and, since then, Americans (and their European followers) have marched unswervingly in their progress toward Huntington's "liberty, equality, individualism, democracy, rule of law, private enterprise" -- to say nothing of free abortions, Jacuzzis in every Holiday Inn, international human rights, gourmet food you can heat up in the microwave, fresh Mexican fruit from a market run by illegal Korean aliens, freedom from religions that claim to possess the truth ... !!

I quite enjoyed the little Café culture in the cobble streets near the Acropolis and around town.
Apart from the streets night life everything here reminds me of home, the music, the people, the city’s structure and definitely the yellow cabs with the old Taxi drivers which have put up plastic flowers and tacky decorations in their cars…flash backs of Orange Peykans!!

As we walked up the hill yesterday to see the Acropolis, had Frappe’s ( Greek version of Iced coffee!), Souvlaki and enjoyed the 28 degree sun ( since we have already had out one day of summer in London…!)…I couldn’t help thinking; As curious as they were about other cultures, the Greeks divided the world between Greeks and "the others," whom they referred to as bárbaroi, a word that may be an onomatopoetic rendering of foreign babble. Although the term "barbarian" certainly included such wild peoples of the North as Illyrians and Scyths, it was more typically applied to the degenerate subjects of the great empires of the East, especially the Persians.

Herodotus, who was the first extant writer to have taken up the conflict between the two civilizations of the Mediterranean, spent a fair amount of time hopping from island to island, roaming through Egypt, and living among the barbarians. The results of his casual investigations (or "histories," as he called them) form the most entertaining (and perhaps even the most honest) work of history ever written. As a Greek, Herodotus had no doubts about the superiority of his own civilization, but he had grown up cheek-by-jowl with Carian bárbaroi, and he was fully aware of the splendid virtues of the Persians and of the cultural antiquity of the Egyptians. His openness to alien cultures extended to the point of gullibility, since he appears to have uncritically accepted nearly every preposterous story told to him by Egyptian priests.

Well despite what we read of history and the fact that Greeks ‘be khoone ma teshnan’….they seemed very nice warm and hospitable people…even to me!



4:00 pm

I was woken up…again…must be the 10th time today…by R...screaming come on the deck and see the view…so I get up tumbling and walk up on the deck…!

I have to give it to her…it was an amazing view of the little Islands…little houses and no sign of pollution!

4:30 pm

I can hear the siren…and there we are… Hydra…a little Island a short distance away from Athens, wow….how pretty is this!

We are too excited to find a place for staying the night…so we hit the beach and catch the last couple of hours the sun lounging around the stone hedged beach…drinking…talking…and a dip!

7:45 pm

We sat there quietly watching the sunset…no one said a word…I guess everyone was deep in their own little worlds…R must have missed hubby and is probably thinking how romantic would have been if he was here….Dee must be thinking ...can’t wait to get some sleep…Alexandra is probably dreaming of how to get rid of us…and I am just totally lost in the moment and can’t think of much but tomorrow!

Now, let me ask you a difficult question. Is it true that we need help to see the future? Or can we see it perfectly well? Could it be that we are concerned about our vision? Are we hoping for a second opinion or an alternative point of view? Are we, perhaps, a little overwhelmed by what appears to be looming so large on our horizon?

I guess no matter what way we think about it and how much evidence we get that we can perfectly see the future or the events of tomorrow... but we are just having some difficulty in believing the evidence of our eyes. Shall we say if what we see is inspiring, trust it? And if it is not, change it? What if we ignore it?

8:15 pm

“Izzy Wizzy let’s get busy!” That’s what Sooty used to say, before tapping his magic wand firmly on the counter. Or rather, that’s what Mr Corbett used to say that Sooty had said. Sooty, of course, was a glove puppet – famous for never speaking a word. People had to interpret his gestures. Which brings me on to this weekend’s kind of magic… For as long as we believe that power rests in someone else’s hands, namely our beloved R ( although unlike Sooty…She can’t stop talking!)…we will be ok…so she takes the lead…we walk around…brows the little shops…admire the little white and blue houses and retire to eat…at a little place by the sea…where we can see the stars…the lights of the boats in the bay and the soothing Greek music coming from the bar below…!!

And yum yum…Sea food Linguini with Greek Salad, Calamari’s and fisheggs!…I don’t think I have ever eaten so much at once!!!

Monday
00:30 am

Alexandra and I have excused ourselves and retired to our little room which we managed to rent with the help of the guys from the restaurant, and have left Dee and R on the Pier…!! I am too tired and I fall sleep as I hit the pillow!!!

The bed is actually a bit hard…but I am too exhausted to even care….

00:45 am

ringggggggg ringggggg…..what now….I can hear a mobile ring…I reach out for mine and press the red button…back to my deep sleep again…

ringggggg…….blurtttttttttttttt….this time I actually manage to open my eyes…the green light is on and it says ‘Dee’ on the screen…I guess some where in my brain I try to compute why is she calling me at this time…but obviously… I press the red button again…as you do!

Riiiiiiiiiiinggggggggggggggg….damn…YES…I blurt out…she is being very conscious of my bad mood and quietly says…”ummmm we are kind of lost!!!” That wakes me up….but can’t think so I just hand the phone to Alexandra who is now up as well with all the commotion..!

01:00 am

A big bang followed with giggles and damn…knocks on our door…Dee wants her bag which is in our room….this better be the last of them!! I am knackered…and very ‘Saggy and bad akhlagh’…..

01:05 am

Silence….. finally I can sleep……

01:07 am

Wishful thinking that was…knocking on the door again….

Now R wants her sun glasses…..WHAT???? Can’t it wait till tomorrow?...

Obviously not…..

6:30 am

ddddderedeee………..Alexandra’s alarm….

Wake up we are going to miss the ferry …..Oh my GOD……

07:00 am

We have managed to drag very moody R out of bed….decently dressed and outside….going down the stairs in the little Alley…everyone is kind of moaning and groaning….

07:10 am

the donkeys queued up to start the day….one of them is looking at me funny….’Dareh chap chap negah migone…’

What seems to be a zillion of cats have lined up by the fisher man’s boats and where they all jump in for little fishes thrown for them is rather amusing….

07:15 am

Siren…..the boat is here….

Got some sleep on the boat …thank god for that…

11:00 am

Back at Alexandra’s flat…R is feeling rather poorly…can’t figure out if it is sea sickness…lack of sleep or simply too much talking!

While we give her some tablets and put her in bed…Dee and I are getting ready to go SHOPPING…..hooray….

Human beings were born to shop. This is what they were placed upon the earth in order to do. The creator said, “Let there be people – and let them have credit cards. And let there be online catalogues for those who cannot get to the malls.” You doubt this? Then why, pray tell, are there so many retail outlets in every town centre? This is no haphazard accident of commerce – this is the divine will. Isn’t it? Then think. What else is there in life now that we can see as indispensable yet which actually matters far less …imagine?

So we hit the shops ……

10:30 pm

A day of shopping, more Frappe’s and Souvlaki and plenty of R’s sick ( sorry…..)…and we have only got couple of hours before our flight…

I sit outside in the balcony, smelling the Orange Tree blossoms ( bahar narenj)…and wish we didn’t have to leave this early…and try to inhale as much as I can to take a piece back with me for mum and Dad…especially Dad…I bet he has missed it so much!

Leili Emshab porsid : chandta shivan mondeh ta labkhand zadan? ... chandta bose mondeh ta ashegh shodan?..
Man goftam : Khabarist resideh....to mageh khabar nadari...!!

Leili Emshab goft: Khabe abi khabe aftabi mikham...darya va mojaie shekan shekan...
Man goftam : booye darya booye sahel...darim miresim...kami digar ta'amol!

Spent the Bank holiday weekend in Athens with some friends from University, 3 of us went up there and stayed with a greek friend of ours...it was great!
I have written my diary of events...I just haven't had a chance to put it up here...

I will at some point...I promise...

It is just that I have exams next week which is the right pain and tomorrow is the deadline for my project proposal, which I still haven't got as far as picking yet....and work is hectic...so bare with me!!!

"All you need is love..." So sang The Beatles. But they of course, lived in a far less sophisticated world. Things have moved on since then. Now, we have internet sites, reality TV shows and mobile phones. Had they been writing today, Messrs Lennon and McCartney could well have taken a different line. "All you need is a Sim card"they might have sung instead. Or would they? Some things, actually, never change, Nor do some people. Today's drama seems, in essence, truly timeless. So too, is the solution to apply to my problem. Love IS all it needs some might say...but is it really!?
It is true what they say;"Things will carry on getting silly until someone does something sensible". The problem, here, is that only crazy people ever imagine themselves to be sane. One has to be pretty ignorant before deciding to proclaim oneself wise. You have to be thick-skinned before you decide to describe yourself as sensitive. And you have to be big-headed to call yourself humble! So... let's look again at that sensible step one needs to take.
It is ridiculous, is it not, to suggest that I might be the best person to make it?
Well then.....
oh no...I wish there was someone you could hire to make decisions for you...like interior designers...or landscape architects...there should be personal decision making officers...!!!

None of us appreciates being awakened. We resent alarm bells when they ring. Even if we happen to know that we are waking up to something really good, we like the idea of getting in a little more shut-eye first. Usually, I need a cup of tea before I can decide quite how I really feel. And normally have a cup in my hand while hugging a pillow as I am being taken through a shift of consciousness. And this morning as I am being shown, taught or reminded of something, I feel a bit put out. I liked things the way they were. I was used to it. ummmm May be I should just put the kettle on!!!

People love to judge one another. Given the slightest opportunity they reach for conclusions and comparisons. It is doubtful whether the cosmos itself has quite so many strong opinions. The universe, after all, is a very big place with room for an awful lot of diversity. Now think of this notion of “deserving”. How relevant is that, really? Is there actually an angel with a scorecard in some distant etheric realm watching us all carefully day and night? Shall I ask, "What am I entitled to."or do I need to Ask, "What am I being given?" ....The answer, as I discovered this weekend, is an 'awful lot'.

Have you ever got into the car and started to drive, only to realise that you have inadvertently left the parking brake on? For a while, you can’t work out why your vehicle is so sluggish. Then suddenly, it becomes obvious. I guess sometimes, we make a similar error with the vehicle of our life. We begin to wonder why we just don't seem to be getting anywhere and we feel frustrated because progress is so slow and sluggish. Then it dawns on us. We are holding ourselves back. We are letting ourselves be weighed down by irrelevant fears. Untill the pennies drop. Light bulbs illuminate. Realisations arrive. Suddenly we understand what had been a mystery. One part of us says, "Oh no!"and the other says, “Of course!” ...We all fear facts and discover that these can challenge our view of the world. No matter how open-minded than most people I am but I still prefer to see myself as a person whose insights are impeccable and whose actions are always beyond reproach. Of course, in reality, no such individuals exist. So I suppose all is left is that I have to be brave, to learn the lesson life wants to teach me today...Would life will get happier, instantly?

When you are hungry, the simplest question can seem like an intimidating challenge. When you are sleepy, the easiest task can appear like an entry test for MENSA. When you are running late, when your family are being grouchy, when your team have just lost a game, a pessimistic perspective soon develops. We rarely make enough allowance for the importance of timing. I guess I should remember that some things – for some people (including me) will prove easier to do or deal with tomorrow than today. So I guess I will stop thinking about what has put me through this shock today...and worry about it tomorrow!

He asked : When is the darkest hour?
She said : Just before the dawn!
He asked: When are things most likely to change?
She said : Just when we have got used to the idea that they will never change.
He asked :When will we have learned our lesson?
She said :When we realise that life holds more lessons than we can ever learn.

People love to make clear announcements in confident tones and lead us all to believe that they know what they are talking about. But they rarely do. Progress, comes in spite of – not because of – the intervention of experts. We can tell people that a situation contains little hope. As a white lie...we do it all the time at work...( I am a consultant..give me a break!)...but can we do that in our personal life, and with our friends. Just so that it might make them a little happier?? I guess not...That would be wrong! But then again...who sets the right and wrong? Is it like what they say "Medicine amuses the patient, while nature effects the cure"... I think not ...Nor is this the only realm in which credit is often wrongly attributed. The deeply superstitious will frequently testify to the efficacy of their plans to avoid spilling salt or walking under ladders. "Look,"they will say, "I did all the right things – and they must have worked because I am still here."But that would still have been the same even if they had done all the wrong things?". so does this mean that we need to follow an insurance policy so expensive that we need an insurance policy to cover our ability to afford it???

Why can't leopards change their spots? You would think that in this go-getting, commercial world of the 21st century, someone would set up a beauty parlour in the jungle. A chilled little place with a gym, a spa and an on-site laser tattooist. The beasts could come there for stripe adjustment and spot removal. The Elephants could wear their trunks, the leopards, their leotards! Actually, I don't even think we need to go to Africa to fill such a gap in the market. Right on our doorstep there are creatures of habit, insisting that they can do things differently from everyone else!! ummm...I shall say no more...can't give away too much now can I?!!!

Desires are expensive things to have. If we can only manage to persuade ourselves that we want nothing, we can save ourselves a great deal of money, time and "emotional investment."All business people know that it is much easier to drive a hard bargain when you feel dispassionate – and conversely, that you can soon be taken advantage of if you deeply yearn to take possession of something... or someone. That is going a bit too far I guess, the problem is we can't really own people...or can we? We can't change them to our likings… can we? It is like the cars and elephant metaphor; Cars, like elephants, have two distinctly different ends. Go round the front and they seem very appealing. Go round the back and you had better be wearing a clothes peg over your nose. Hey, that's life. Two sides to every coin. If you are hoping to persuade elephants to stop doing what it is that elephants do several times a day, you are not going to get far. Nor are you likely to find a combustion engine without an exhaust. So does that mean that no matter how possessive we may be, it is not easy to change things the way we want them to be? Especially if the so called "things" in question are the people closed to us? I guess we do occasionally get the option to position ourselves where we can enjoy the advantages of a certain situation without having to look so closely at what's wrong with it. But hey that is tough too!!!

"Imagine there's no heaven, it's easy if you try... " Ah, but is it? Most of us find it difficult to envisage a world without a heaven. We may try hard to seem cynical but deep within, we are all idealists. Not only do we like to dream of an ever-after that is always happy, we also like to feel that heaven is a place on Earth. We keep hoping that any moment now we are going to enter it. ya right?!! Wake up... The "ever-after" bit I am not qualified to comment on. I have very mixed feelings at the moment of whether there is any truth on such a thing...or what the people who came up with that concept were actually thinking!!! My power of cynicism extends only to now ! And all I can think of is "when will I get a little taste of the heaven" they keep promising us?!

We live in an instant, just-add-water, push-a-button, microwaveable-in-under-three-minutes, zap-the-remote-control-and-see-the-war-before-your-very-eyes kind of a world. Not everything about it is good. Too often, we lose our appreciation for essential natural processes that need to happen slowly. We look for ways to hurry them just as we look for ways to depersonalise the injustices that we can see yet seemingly cannot influence. We end up feeling remote. And we end up looking desperately for something to put us right back in touch with the nicest part of reality.
Some people are now staring at their TV screens all day, watching the rolling news in a mesmerised daze. Others are getting the merest occasional glimpse of the war or shall we call it PWN ( Post War News). They notice a headline as they stroll past a news stand or catch a few words of the six o'clock bulletin. Who can say which group is better informed? The propagandists are showing us only what they want us to see. Even if it is not what we want to see at all. I guess it is up to us not to let others to warp our view of key situations and not get blinded by science. I suppose my granma is right when she says: "Ask your heart what it sees. And trust that."

This weekend I decided to retire...retire from this unfair and brutal game of give and take...perhaps retire to a little house on the priory with white fences and a cat who hasn't got a name! Perhaps I would sit on the porch on my rocking chair with the cat and stare at the lily path...! Perhaps I will take up knitting too...but who would I knit for...Perhaps I will make little outfits for the cat!...and perhaps the children from the village will come up to watch the old lady with the cat...Perhaps they will come and play in the yard and I sit there on the porch...on my rocking chair with the cat and watch them play...perhaps I will make them cookies! But then that would mean that I have to take my eyes of the path!
Perhaps a little bird will take refuge in the kitchen and becomes friend with the cat...an addition to our little family! Perhaps I never close my eyes...just in case I miss what goes on the lily path...Perhaps spring blooms come and go...Perhaps the summer warm wind blows...Perhaps the leaves fall as the autumn comes...Perhaps the snow falls and I watch the lily path covered with white crisp snow...closing my eyes...hoping for spring blooms again...year after year!

Some people say, "Don't sweat the small stuff." Others disagree. They say, "Little things count for a lot." To someone else, my current drama might look trivial. But from where I am standing, it seems like a very big deal. And how can any one ever really say what matters and what doesn't. If something is important to me now, it is important and I don't have to justify myself nor do I need to apologise for experiencing a perfectly reasonable reaction.

Have you ever started to feel like an arrow that is about to be fired by someone else’s bow? where you suspect you are being used as a pawn in a greater game!. And you feel a sense of the inevitable about what is happening, yet you are not sure whether you are happy with it, and you wonder whether you can turn back time? Can you stop what has already started? Can you Ignore criticism and suppress doubt? Go with the flow?, even if you are not yet quite sure where that flow is actually going?.
My Dad always says; you are never too sure of anything until it surprises you! But are there really such things as happy surprises?....

"Life is what happens to us while we are busy making other plans." This old Sufi saying, was one of Patric Walker's favourites. It became attributed to John Lennon after the late great astrologer quoted it to the Beatle in a New York hotel. Soon after, Lennon gave an interview and he used that phrase. Ever since he has been credited with this particular piece of wisdom. I am not sure if any of this really matter....Only in one way maybe. I think life is also what happens to us while we are busy watching other people. And the more energy we give their stories, the less time we have for our own!!!

Tried to put a picture up....but failed badly :(

Some things never change. They last forever. They will always be what they always were. Our deepest, most emotional bonds for example. They may deepen and strengthen or they may even suffer some stress and weaken. But in some shape or form they will be with us our whole life long. Even death cannot part us from the people with whom we have made a permanent connection! ....:)

I guess some things are just not worth thinking about. The more attention you give them, the more intimidating they seem. And, of course, they are almost always the things we simply cannot bring ourselves to ignore. It can be as hard to resist thinking a particular thought as it can be to stop smoking – or give up cheese cakes. We know we really shouldn’t but we just can’t seem to help ourselves. I don't know why I am talking about this kind of thing to you today!!! Hey this diet thing is making me cranky......

Did I ever say that the journey isn't important; it is the destination that counts? ...I am sorry if I did...because now I change my mind if I ever have committed myself to such idea...I took a completely different route to work today...walked a bit...even took the bus...I can confidently say the journey does matter and the destination is irrelevant...as long you have a set destination...how you choose to get there can make a big difference in the overall scheme of things!!!

The world divides up into two types of people. The pots... and the kettles! Or, if you prefer, the hypocritical and the inconsistent. We are all as bad as each other. We all look suitably horrified and outraged when we discover other people’s glaring contradictions. And we all manage to turn a convenient blind eye to our own, equally bad, double standards. The grass may be always greener on the other side of the fence but the snow always tends to be whiter, purer and more driven on our own side of it!!

What is the secret of true happiness? Over the centuries many people have asked this question but few have ever claimed to know the answer. Perhaps instead, we should ask, what is the cause of eternal sadness? The human heart is amazingly resilient – as too, is the mind. No matter what we experience, we can find some way to accept it or put it behind us. So if sadness cannot last forever, perhaps happiness cannot either. And perhaps, it is only when we understand this that we become truly happy!!!

I went through my phone book over and over...and it is amazing how I realised...I didn't actually had anyone I could call to cry for...some one who would just listen...or offer to hold my hand...some one who would tell me everything is going to be fine no matter how far fetched that might seemed!! some one who would simply offer an open arm...have I really hit rock bottom...what happend to my friends? I guess some where down the path of getting here things kind of changed...ya I guess they did!...So as I watched the Swans drift along the water playfully and the little girl feeding the ducks I realised... one is the loneliest number to be!!

We try so hard to take everything in our stride and to accept without question whatever life puts in our path. Yet every so often the devil takes hold of us. It pins us down, winds us up and says,"Go on, seek an explanation. Try to understand."No matter how often we have tried this in the past, we get sucked in by that idea. "Maybe," we think,"this time I will make sense of it."

Sometimes I just cannot relate to a certain person in the way I once did. Indeed, I seem to be changing one relationship with relationships! Is it because I want something different from them these days. Why?May be I shouldn't bother asking. Perhaps I should just trust that if I now follow what I feel,I won't go far wrong....! ummmmmm

Why do people talk about turning green with envy? If that's the colour we really go, we surely don’t have to worry about the colour of the grass on the other side of the fence. I am not trying to suggest that we are being unreasonably covetous. But if we want to understand the subtle motives behind various people's positions, we need to appreciate how potent desire can be. Someone we feel tempted to move in one way, when we know for sure that someone else is itching to go in a different direction. Both of us think this is the way to find happiness. But is it? I think not! It is through putting down, not picking up a passion, that life can be lightened.

Actually, you don't have to go to the other side of the fence to get greener grass. You can attain it just by pushing the lawn-mower in a particular direction. Some people become almost neurotically obsessed with getting the right stripes. They figure that if their lawn looks perfect, this will somehow help a part of their lives to be perfect. But, of course, we all know that appearances can be very deceptive. So If we want the grass to get genuinely greener, shouldn't we stop trying to sit on the fence!

Has someone slipped something in my tea? Everything seems a little more vivid than usual. Images are sharper, sounds more subtle, colours brighter, Ideas more exciting. And emotions are more intense. What could it be? oh...I get it...it is sunny today!!!!

In every busy street you will find an optician and a dentist. Clearly, a lot of eyes need looking at and a lot of mouths need looking in. Yet where are the people who check our hearing? We cannot even readily recall the name of these medical specialists? Can we conclude from this that the world is full of people who have no difficulty in that department? If this is so, how do we explain the fact that nobody ever listens to anybody else? If we are not all deaf, we are certainly terribly rude!

Every channel i flick through these days are showing images of the war...every conversation you have with people is about the war...I watched the fall of baghadad on CNN yesterday...I saw Iraqi people battering the statue of Saddam on CNN...I also saw an Iraqi girl shout go home americans and swearing at them on Jame-Jam...which one should we hear? which one should we believe? Is this why we are always told not to generalise?

When things change in the world, they change suddenly. The build-up may be gradual but the moment of truth comes from nowhere and establishes itself at the speed of greased-lightning. The whole thing is rather like watching a balloon being blown up to the point where it finally pops. It often seems amazing how much energy or air can be absorbed. it is like thinking, something has surely got to give soon but it doesn’t. And then, the point of no return is brief. What’s coming up for these people? Liberation! The imminent, instant end of a struggle they feared would go on forever?

A tatty piece of paper can be worth a fortune if it contains the autograph of some famous person, long gone from this world. How strange that we should place such a high value on something so trivial while all around us, people starve, suffer and struggle. We live in a world where real, human lives are worth far less than pieces of rubbish. No wonder we have difficulty making sense of anything. How can we ever understand what the TRUE value of anything is? Shouldn't we have start rethinking our priorities? Perhaps it will make us wiser and happier – it may yet make us better off too. Who knows!

Sometimes, the fortune fairy taps us on the shoulder with her wand and everything starts to go our way!
Sometimes, she just brushes briefly past our door, depositing a package as goes. Her deliveries are often odd, (hardly ever a bunch of flower or a cheque addressed to my name, except once actually..a check from some draw for 25p..wow i am rich!!) More likely with a label that says : "Brought to you by Depression International – Premier Promoters Of Global Gloom. Bills, demands, court cases. redundancies, rejections and regrets. Sorrows, sadnesses and stupidities. You name them, we can supply them.” although, They rarely contain the name of the sender.
Often, indeed, they are parcelled up as problems. Even if we can see through this disguise, we tend to discover, as we unwrap, that we have been given a kit for self-assembly. We have only the component parts – not the finished item. I guess that is when we know we have to do a little figuring out and thinking!!! ummmm....and that is when over analysing comes in...I wish things would have been simpler...!!

After a very busy birthday weekend where i didn't really have time to be grumpy or miserable about my age, I dragged myself out of bed this morning, feeling exhausted and not quite 100%. The journey to work was too cold for April and the Metro had all this clips about the war and Sars and got me into a right state!!!!
What if the Iraq War turns into World War III? What if the doctors can’t cure or control the new respiratory syndrome, apparently emanating from Hong Kong and China? What if the stock market crashes and we all lose our jobs? And our homes? What if global warming causes the seas to rise till there’s no land to live on? What if... well, I don’t suppose I need to go on really, do I? If you add all those what-ifs to the more personal ‘worst case scenarios’ I keep considering, you can see why I feel so edgy.
I suppose I could also ask the question : What if it all turns out to be fine?.....ya right!!!!

When I Was Just A Little Girl!
"When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother;
what will I be?
Will I be pretty?
Will I be rich?
Here's what she said to me :
Que sera, sera.
Whatever will be, will be. The future's not ours to see.
Que sera sera

Sometimes, the truth hurts. That's why it is so important for us all to tell lies. After all, we do not want to cause one another pain! Reprehensible misrepresentations of reality are, of course, only ever the result of the most laudable, socially-conscious motives. Oh, and by the way, the moon is made of green cheese!!! We can all justify anything if we set our minds to the task, but words will never be more powerful than feelings. Our instincts know the score even when our brains are being blinded by science.

On the eve of my birthday, I am now getting to see a picture that had previously been hidden from me. The experience is slightly sobering but incredibly positive!

11:29 PM

My Dad always tells me : If at first you don't succeed, try, try and try again.
My response is normally : And if you still don't get anywhere?
Dad : Try something different. That's not copping out or buckling under or giving up or letting anyone down, that's just being intelligent.

He is perhaps right, but once I get an idea in my head I am reluctant to drop it. Taurean tenacity is legendary and admirable. Every so often though, my determination becomes myAchilles heel. I guess, it is important to be fleet of foot and not let yesterday's big idea become the ball and chain that stops you from reaching a brighter tomorrow. Maybe it is true what folks say : Flexibility is a virtue, not a vice.

Once we know how to do something, we always know. We may require a little refresher if we have allowed our skills to grow rusty, but we never have to start all over again from scratch. And of course, lessons, even for the keenest of students, are not always easy to learn. So, by and large, no matter how much we may claim to seek a life of challenge and growth, we end up sticking with the devil we know. We may flirt with the foreign but we only follow through with the familiar. And then we wonder why our lives lack excitement.

Why are we always being told to put the past behind us? Why can’t we put it in front of us so that we can keep an eye on it? The past, after all, is a notoriously wriggly thing. It changes shape more shamelessly than a comedian. It answers its questions according to what mood it is in or who happens to be doing the asking.

My gold fish died today!! It didn't even get to sizdeh bedar....now the other one is all alone! :(

Often we can kid ourselves that we have some control over the world. We take action and we get results. We therefore assume that there must be some connection between the two. But periodically, the universe sets out to remind us that the link is more fragile than we think. Sometimes, we cause an effect – sometimes we just get an effect without doing anything to bring it about.

May be I should begin to wonder if the steering wheel of my life has anything whatsoever to do with the wheel. Is there actually a link ? If so, then is it hidding? or it is just not quite as obvious as I might want it to be!?

We try so hard to get it right. To win friends and to influence people. To make choices we can be proud of. Sometimes we succeed. Sometimes we don’t. And sometimes, it all gets a little confusing. We think we are winning but we turn out to be losing. We suspect all is hopeless, then we suddenly see a hidden opportunity. We may well have strong opinions about what’s happening in life but can we be sure that these are right? Certainly, if they relate to trying too hard to do anything, they are probably wrong. Then again...how can we be sure of anything!!!

Eid shoma Mobarak....
Another year...another Spring...another haft sin....and another set of pleasantries...Sali por bar va por mofavagiat...Some one said I am sure this year things would be great for you!!! duh...

In an insecure and unreasonable world, how can it possibly be rational to be sure of anything? Certainty is just a shield to hide behind – a dummy to suck on.

Fine I am still a pessimist...I guess somethings never change!